Month: January 2016

To the Divorced Guys: What It Means to Be a Nice Guy

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I understand that as a woman, the dudes are going to give me hell for this.
Please men, I love you dearly. In fact, probably way too much. I know women are “bad” too, but see I am not out in the world dating women, so I’m not as invested in other women and their dating habits as I am with the pool of guys I am meeting as a single woman.

So gentlemen, listen with an open heart.

A lot of men claim to be “nice guys.” And indeed, there are quite a few of you out there. Namely, I am thinking of my friends Mike, Chris, Steve, Tim, Stephen, and there are a ton more but, there are also impostors. Men who claim to be nice, but aren’t really. This isn’t because they’re intentionally evil, but that they’re not “all together” just yet. Under the issues, the man is nice. Above the issues? The man is toxic.

Let me just say — there is nothing more brutal than dating a man who is not over his divorce. Since separating from my ex, I have been on some dates the past two years, and I have met quite a few men who either openly or covertly ( with no evil intention but simply unbeknownst to them) were not over their marriages, yet were out in the dating world attempting to mix with the female sex.

Read More: To the Divorced Guys: What It Means to Be a Nice Guy

Be Nice,

Laura

No More Cinderella: Why Teaching Your Daughter to Tolerate Nastiness Is a Bad Idea

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Cinderella is a lovely tale. The poor girl ends up victorious and a princess! Not too shabby of an ending. Of course, Cinderella has to endure torture and the life of an indentured servant up to the bitter end in which she’s finally set free of her terrible life. In the recent revamp of Cinderella, the main character goes on and on about being kind and having “kindness.” Truly, Cinderella is admirable. Being kind constantly to people who treat you terribly — well, that requires some vicious kind of fortitude, doesn’t it? And isn’t she a great example for our girls? To show them that kindness and turning the other cheek are the right things?

Well . . . sort of.

See, I think it’s important to instill in our girls that kindness is key, especially if we expect others to be kind to us, but Cinderella isn’t just kind. She’s a doormat. She never sticks up for herself. She takes it and takes it . . . and takes it! Is that really the example we want our daughters to follow? No. I don’t think so.

Read More: No More Cinderella: Why Teaching Your Daughter to Tolerate Nastiness Is a Bad Idea

Teach Her to Stand Up For Herself,

Laura

Divorced in Your 30s? 8 Ways You Can Have the Best Year Ever

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So this is it. You’re divorced and in your 30s. Well, welcome to the club! There are many of us in this club, so don’t feel bad. Instead use your divorce to spin off an improved you (you don’t need a new you — the old you is lovely — you just need some touch-ups) for an amazing 2016. This way, you can kiss your divorce blues buh-bye and make it a stellar year.

Read More: Divorced in Your 30s? 8 Ways You Can Have the Best Year Ever

 

Moms, Stop Putting Pressure on Dads to Create the Perfect Valentine’s Day

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In case you’ve been living in a bubble since Jan. 1, Valentine’s Day is coming up. Get ready for the dud gifts or the smashed-up chocolates or the gift you didn’t want to end up in your lap. Get ready for the guys and dads standing in line last minute at the drugstore buying cards and chocolate. How terrible, right? I mean, couldn’t they have made some effort? Last minute really shows poor attitude, right? It IS Valentine’s Day, after all! The day of love . . . the day of . . .

Wait a minute!

Let’s think about this logically, moms.

Do you think your marriage or partnership truly weighs heavily on the actions of one day? I mean, it’s true — someone could do something terrible to devastate a relationship in one day, but chances are, buying a card at the drugstore on Valentine’s Day and shoving a box of cheap chocolates in your hands is not the worst thing that will happen to your relationship or marriage. Chances are, your hubby or main squeeze loves you to pieces. That last-minute stop? It felt like effort to him. It felt like effort among all the pressures and stresses of life that a dad feels just like you feel, as a mother.

Read More: Moms, Stop Putting Pressure on Dads to Create the Perfect Valentine’s Day

Appreciate the Small Things,

Laura

Why We Shouldn’t Shame Moms Who Hate Infancy

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A month or two ago, a woman who I knew as an acquaintance at my gym had her first baby.

“How’s it going?” I asked, congratulating her and asking how she was feeling, something I noticed most people don’t do.

It’s all about the baby, after all.

“It’s OK, you know, she’s not sleeping very well and she cries a lot. I mean a lot, a lot!”

I heard it in her speech: infancy was not her cup of tea right now.

“I’m so sorry. You know, it’s OK if you hate this right now. My daughter slept very well, but I’ve had friends and family who dealt with colic.”

Looking at me with a face of relief: “Thank you — you’re the first person I’ve been able to be honest with. The first person who asked how I was. Honestly, I’m struggling and totally hating it. I feel so guilty.”

Read More: Why We Shouldn’t Shame Moms Who Hate Infancy

Support All Moms,

Laura

Why Having a Bossy Girl is a Good Thing

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We all know that it’s annoying when someone constantly bosses us around. We also all know that sometimes girls can be bossy. This is discussed, hashed out and paraded around like all the other stereotypes about girls and hey, it’s a pretty true stereotype.

But it’s also an unfair stereotype.

We love to drag girls through the mud for being bossy and b*tchy at a young age, but we find it heroic, amazing, sexy, and “part of the job” when a man or boy is bossy.

He’s being a leader.

Our girls are being bossy little tyrants.

Enough already.

As a grown woman with a bit of bossiness to her, I am the mom of a girl who is also bossy. Sometimes, it’s absolutely annoying. Through action, example, and discussion, my daughter and I go over the importance of leading and taking turns. Giving other people a chance to take charge and why we should try playing other people’s games, etc. She sees my happy and strong friendships and I try to model by example as best I can.

 

Read More: Why Having a Bossy Girl is a Good Thing

Praise our Strong Girls,

Laura

6 Things to Do When Divorce Gets Ugly

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The divorce process can drag on forever. At this rate, I’m wondering if my divorce will be final before my daughter goes to college (she’s 4 years old). During the process, it’s completely normal to have highs — days in which you feel happy about the divorce — and lows — days in which you feel burdened with grief and pain over the decision.

It’s also just as common to have highs and lows with your former spouse, especially as the two of you attempt to get into a rhythm as coparents. Distance helps any drama the two of you may have, but being diligent coparents requires that sometimes you’ll have to deal with each other. If you’re ready to blow a gasket because your divorce is becoming ugly or stressful, these are six things you can do to calm your head.

1. Review, Review, Review

Before you hit send on that text or email message to your ex, back away from your words for at least 20 minutes if the two of you have been fighting. Sometimes we say things out of anger but things said out of anger can be used against you in divorce.

2. Move!

When you’re ready to pull out your hair (or your ex’s) it’s time to move — physically. Getting exercise will help release anxious and stressful energy and allow you to have a space to release toxic feelings. Not only will exercise give you that ability to let go of bad emotions, but it will also flood your brain with feel-good emotions. To this day, running has been the best therapy since my divorce. And even better? It’s free!

Read More: 6 Things to Do When Divorce Gets Ugly

You’ve Got This,

Laura

8 Goals For the Newly Divorced Woman in Her 20s

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Divorce impacts everyone it touches, but depending on your age and life situation when you divorce, it will strike you in different ways. As a newly divorced woman in her 20s, what are the next steps and goals you should set to move forward from your divorce? Well, every individual is different, but these goals should help you start to see the sunny side of the street in no time, and that big old word called “divorce” will start to seem smaller every day in 2016!

1- You Are NOT Damaged

Being in your 20s and divorced is rarer than being in your 30s and 40s and divorced. This may make you feel alone and a bit damaged as compared to your single or married friends, but you need to kick those feelings to the curb in 2016 because they’re NOT true!

First, acknowledge your feelings of shame and regret by writing them down. When you’re all “Dear Diary”-ed out, read them and then tear the paper up, hit delete, or set the list to fire! (Just be careful if you choose the last option.) You are not damaged. You took a chance on love early on. Perhaps you are very mature for your age. Perhaps you’re a romantic. Perhaps — many reasons. There is nothing wrong with failing at love at any age! And just think — now you have many years to find the right one.

Read More: 8 Goals For the Newly Divorced Woman in Her 20s

You’re Amazing,

Laura

10 Love Mistakes I Made In My 20s I’ll Never, EVER Repeat Again

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As I near the end of my 30s, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship mistakes, especially as I finalize my divorce. Mistakes are meant to happen but if you don’t learn from them, you’ll never grow or get what you’re looking for.

For me, I benefit the most when I share the life lessons I learned the hard way with the hopes that someone can steal a gem from the mistakes I made and choose a better path. In the two years since I’ve been separated from my former husband, I’ve also promised myself that I will never go through a divorce again, nor will I commit to the wrong person again.

These are some of the relationship mistakes I made in my 20s that set the bar too low for me. And I will NEVER repeat them again.

  1. I ignored the nice guys.

Women ignore the nice guys when they feel bad about themselves. When you feel bad about yourself, you pick people who continue to validate those bad feelings about yourself. I’m not saying I will go out with anyone who’s nice simply because he’s nice, but I will give a nice guy a chance because I know that’s what I deserve.

Read More: 10 Love Mistakes I Made In My 20s I’ll Never, EVER Repeat Again

Not Doing It,

Laura

10 Things I Did As A New Parent That I Would NEVER Do Again

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As a first time parent there are always things you do because you’re a nervous newbie who’s learning on the go. Or in other words, new parenting is basically trial-by-fire and sometimes it can be explosive, especially those breastfed baby poops.

Here are a few things I wouldn’t do as a new parent if I had the chance to start all over again.

  1. Throwing big birthday parties

Since my former husband and I started celebrating our daughter’s birthday with a big celebration, it means the expectations are set high. To pull back and say, “Oh, let’s just havefamily over for cake” right now would be an epic fail because expectations have fallen into place. This does NOT mean that I can’t say, “Hey daughter, parties are expensive. Let’s scale down this year,” but it does make it harder.

Truthfully, I have one child and I don’t mind celebrating her birthday in style, especially for the first birthday (which is really a party for the parents, but maybe I would’ve gone more low-key after that until kindergarten). Once you set the bar high with anything in life, it’s hard to lower it; it’s key in all aspects of parenthood to set realistic expectations for our children.

Read More: 10 Things I Did As A New Parent That I Would NEVER Do Again

Live and Learn,

Laura