I hesitated to write this but felt compelled to get it off my petite shoulders.
I am happily single but there is one thing that I have yet to grapple with. The fact that it is over.
Oh not my marriage. That I am totally fine with being over. Yes, I said that. I am fine with having a divorce. I am not grieving the end anymore. I am sure once I get word that my divorce is final that I may feel some sadness but to be honest, I am not sure there will be any more pain. I am done, done, done. And so is he. That chapter is long shut.
What I struggle to accept is that it may be over for me, in terms of love again.
When we choose consciously to be single, there is the chance that we may be alone. For life.
Personally? I think being alone for life is a hell of a lot better than what I commonly see: people scrambling and rushing into relationships and marriages quicker than you can say Rumpelstiltskin. Being along for life is better than being miserable, abused, neglected or mismatched with the wrong person.
At this point in my life, I only need someone for repairs and car issues. There is nothing that I am NOT doing on my own. Of course I do have a coparent, and I am glad he is an active father but we don’t parent together daily. If I want help with child care, I call a babysitter.
I know that I am worthy and deserving of love. I don’t struggle with knowing this. Well, most of the times I don’t.
I know that my daughter deserves someone great in her life and if there is no one great, than there is no one.
I know my daughter knows the difference between her father and me.
“Daddy has grandma and grandpa and Pinky (our dog). Mommy is all alone,” she told me a little less than a year ago.
She also said “Mommy, you have so many friends! So many people!”
She knows mommy relies on mommy for living and socially, that mommy has a huge life around her full of interesting, special and amazing people.
She knows daddy has a girlfriend.
She knows mom does NOT have a boyfriend, despite her attempts to “connect” me with my local Starbucks barista.
The problem for me lies in accepting that it may be over for me. For good.
Honestly? I am a complex woman who wants someone with a certain level of intelligence and finesse. I bore myself sometimes. I am also at that age in which I am too old for some men and some men are way too young or way too old for me.
The fact that I have a child and live in the suburbs with an artistic and entrepenuial spirit leaves me at a disadvantage to meeting the right person.
The fact that I am a woman with a strong personality unlike the more passive doormats men seem to prefer doesn’t help but HELL. I am not changing for anyone.
I am not desperate to find someone that “almost fits.” I am looking for the perfect fit. In doing so I have realized, it is most likely over for me.
And I try to not care about it and accept what is.
It could be worse. I could be married miserably or coupled with a total jerk or idiot.
Is being alone for life a death sentence? I think not. I think many people do it. I just think with my social and romantic nature, it’s not an easy cross for me to bear because it’s in direct conflict with my personality and nature. I grew up with three other siblings and loved being around them and other people. I am not a loner. By far.
I think the real problem lies not within me, but within others.
I have too much to offer. Men seem nervous by my career, intimidated to type to me (writers do check grammar) and also put off by the juxtaposition that I could be so youthful and sort of wild/eccentric, yet Type A and a mother.
If I am doing it all by myself, what really might a man feel he has to offer if he is insecure, and so many of the ones I have met as of late are.
Someone commented on my twitter the other day that I hate men. Clearly, the guy was a fool. I love men. That’s what gets me into trouble, 9 times out of 10. I know there is a shallow dating pool for me unlike when I was 25 or 30, but I know there are good men out there. They just don’t seem to be into me or I don’t seem to be into them…or perhaps my GPS is not finding them so well. I know that I am able to spot bad toxic people quickly and that I make better dating choices than I ever did.
I know I am smart to not subject my daughter to constant strangers or fly-by night men and I certainly have a full life, but accepting that it is most likely over, is not something that is easy to do but when you become single it is smart to say “Hey I may be alone for life but at least I am not miserable.”
I accept where I am and am proud of the choices I have made in the past two years but man, to know that it is most likely over is a harder fate to accept.
I hope no matter what, I am always strong and positive.
Fixing My Crown,