It seems as if every therapist, school of thought or philosophy has its own idea about how to be a good partner and make a relationship thrive. The reality is, if love were all that logical and scientific, we could then easily extract how to manage relationships through equation and theory. This isn’t to say that there isn’t some “science” and evolutionary theory in how we all pick our partners, but that we can’t simply plug in some equation and decide how to pick a partner or what to say when we’re arguing with a lover.
This also isn’t to say that we cannot use guidelines or common sense, no of course not!, but that love is not born of logic and equations.
This is often something people forget– especially men who seem to need to break down every component of a situation with logic that they end up tied down in their own questions.
We can certainly value logic in our love decision. For example, logically, I would tell you to avoid dating someone currently embroiled in a substance abuse problem or someone who knows he or she doesn’t want kids when you want kids. Yes, there are markers and decision points, but ultimately there is no way to logically set out a solid love and “keep yourself” from getting hurt.
Love is risk in many ways. Even when on paper, you have the perfect partner and situation, variables and life will happen. Change is guaranteed. Love, when it is real, nurtured and judges not, it will grow in the weirdest of situations.
The poor couple struggling financially will have it hard, but they will love on.
Blended families struggling or not struggling to become a new unit will love on.
Long-distance loves thrive on.
Love is often born from an illogical place. Your hormones (thanks science) race and produce the most wonderful feelings our bodies know. This is what makes us fall in love with our children at birth, and fall in “love” with the man or woman we see across the room.
Love asks us to push other options (people aside) and to narrow in on one single sole intoxicating and frightening possibility. The joy in this is that there is a chance it will greatly succeed and of course, the pain in that it may not.
But if we approach love with no common sense (bad move) but with the fixation that it must happen with a: certain person b: at a certain time c: in a certain way
we end up ruining what is with our fixed notion that “This is how it is supposed to be!”
The first time I fell in love, I heard those notions of logic but I fought against it, and took the risk and fell in love.
It was worth it but it didn’t work out. I now have more knowledge of what and who I want.
One of the things I have to offer as a partner is I have common sense but my brain won’t stop me from loving. I will take the risk and love 150% as I am, freely and openly.
I think this is a gift. So many people after divorce especially, cannot do this and I can.
To love openly is no small feat.
So for those of you who are too busy trying to figure out love, stop trying to make it algebra and start trying to make it music.
Love is much closer to music than algebra.
Don’t forgot though, to choose someone kind and well “semi-logical,”