I wonder what it is that tips off people into the abyss.
When someone disappears, I think to myself: “What was going on in his or her life to tip that person off?”
I wonder what his or her “last straw” was.
There comes a time in which even the strongest cannot hold up. I absolutely hate the saying that says “God only gives us what he can handle.”
But what if you cannot handle it anymore?
What if God or some other deity or spirit or life or fate– whatever you happen to believe– gives you more than you can handle and you can’t continue as you once were?
To be honest, I don’t know if I believe in God or not, but there are definitely some real-life satans. Some absolute, god-awful toxic people that the world could do without. That’s for sure. A ‘Satan’ for sure is present in the world.
And let’s face it: sometimes the best people in the world are given the shittiest decks of cards. I know for myself, I have much to be grateful for. An amazing daughter. Friends and family. Intelligence. A roof over my head. The ability to work and an education that I cherished.
There are people who are dealt way worse. I did not come from poverty.
But sometimes, when the last straw is pulled, it doesn’t matter everything you have in that great big pile of wonderful because dammit, the last straw was pulled and slowly, you unravel.
No man is an island.
Sometimes, I wonder how my Jewish ancestors and people withstood the holocaust. How black people dealt with slavery.
How indentured servants kept showing up to work.
It is beyond admirable the level of fortitude.
I know I have many tales of pain and heartaches that I hope my daughter will never endure, but the ones I mentioned above– the constant cases of genocide around the world The hatred and vile acts.
The mass shootings in the United States.
How did people move forward?
Emotional bullets are hard to fend.
I don’t know if I am that strong.
And the fact that others are, I admire them.
And wish that I could fuel an inner resolve to match that but I am afraid that I am just too tired.
I try to support everyone in his or her lives after divorce. Married. Single. Mothers. Fathers. Non-mothers and non-fathers.
I try to lift others up because I know how much it matters to be held to the light when you can’t see it for yourself, even when it’s shining bright in your face.
Right now, I cannot see the light.