Why Does My Partner Go From Hot to Cold & Back Again?

There is nothing more frustrating than having a partner rescind his or her warmth and love. Especially if in return, you get a cold front.

It’s like having a relationship with someone who exists in a room: the door opens and so does your partner and then, the door closes … and so does the access to your partner.

I’ve been down this road before where a love interest or partner would shut me out and let me in … I know how painful it can be to deal with. I know the questions that run in your mind and that maybe keep you up at night. I also know what it’s like to walk away from that person. At times, my ex-husband could be very cold.

Here are a few reasons that could explain your partner’s mood changes from cold to hot, and hot to cold.

1- Battling Over the State of Your Relationship or Marriage

Your partner may be unsure how committed he or she is to you OR, may be upset over issues between the two of you OR upset over behaviors of yours or circumstances in the relationship.

The cold and hot moodiness is purely a reflection of that hesitancy/hurt or anger towards you or the plaguing situation. One minute, your partner wants you and the next minute … not so much. Literally, your partner could be torn about staying or going.

What do you do?

  • Talk to your partner and explain how you feel about his/her behaviors and see if any progress comes about
  • See if your partner and you can work out the issues that are standing in your way– are there changes you can make to help your partner? Be open to change, and don’t put all the blame on your partner unless it’s truly his/her blame
  • Tell your partner his/her behaviors are affecting you– ask for space and request for the partner to take time to think about these behaviors and what he or she truly wants …

2- Hesitating About Commitment– In General

It may not be an issue between the two of you that is causing your partner to be so moody with affection … it could be that your love is unsure whether or not commitment is important to him or her.

In that case– take the space so your partner can decide, without treating you as his or her human yo-yo. This is hard–trust me … I know how hard it is!

3- Dealing With Mental Health Issues

Your partner might be depressed, anxious– or both. Your partner may even have a personality or mood disorder, like bipolar disorder. Talk to your partner and share your concerns. Keep the focus on “your concern for your partner and wanting him or her to feel better.” Ask if your main squeeze might consider talking to someone– or see if he/she has any other ideas to help manage the mood changes. Your partner might not even realize how his/her behavior is impacting you.

  • Be kind with your approach
  • Do not attack with “you statements”– use ” I feel X when you do Y” statements instead
  • Ask how you can help

Your partner may be afraid to get help– or may know it’s needed. You don’t know until you bring it up.

4- Modeling Relationships Behaviors From The Family

If your partner’s parents had an up and down relationship– or up and down relationship with your partner, your love may be modeling what he or she learned in childhood.

Talk to your partner. Be open. Use “I feel” statements. Recommend therapy– maybe go together even. Many of us have bad habits we “picked” up from our parents.  Your partner may not even realize the impact of his or her former family relationships on his/her behavior.

Relationships aren’t easy– especially when we feel hurt and pushed away by our loved ones.

Hang in there,


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