One of the hardest things about being the youngest of four kids with a large age gap between me and the other 3 kids, is that my parents are older and unable to support me and be there for me in the way I wish they could. I understand why they can’t though, especially with my mom’s health issues, but it is still hard. They root for me on the sidelines, but because they are dealing with a lot– I cannot at their age ask for too much. In fact, I try to give instead of take when it comes to them. They paid their dues in their eighties to be helped instead of burdened.
Still, it makes it really challenging– especially when going through a very hard situation knowing that they can’t physically be there for me.
This week, I have to handle a serious matter alone. Trust me, no one wants to be alone in the situation I am facing this week, but it is what it is. I won’t back down from doing the right thing even though it is hard. I have run away out of fear many times before, but I can’t. I have to be a role model. I have to stand for the right thing.
After prepping this morning for the matter with a trusted resource, it really hit me today how damn challenging life has been and how hard I have tried, only to get pushed down repeatedly.
Is it okay to want to give up sometimes? Is it okay to be tired of dealing with everything alone?
Is it okay to not fake smile my way through the day? Because I can’t today and believe me, I am by nature, a bubbly, goofy and outgoing individual.
It seems that no matter how hard I try– and I try harder than most, believe me– nothing seems to get easier. It just seems to get more complex or sometimes more disappointing or sometimes things are going smoothly and then a wrench gets thrown into the mix– a huge and massive wrench, and the worst part about it all is– it’s all out of my control. Always.
I’m just witnessing people making bad decisions and me thinking, “Why?”
When is it okay to stop trying? When is it okay to say, “Enough, God– or G-d. I’ve had enough of the nonsense.”
I have taken the high road at almost every impasse. I have made hard choices that were hard, but necessary. I have given my every little bit to loved ones and my child. I have made a lot of sacrifices for her and dealt with challenging people in order to protect her from their scathing treatment. I have made a concerted effort to be a good person in society.
I have rooted for people and clapped on the sidelines. I have given countless advice to numerous people and been a loving presences for people much younger than I am and people much older than I am. I have cheered on engagements, new relationships, marriages and more. I have been the voice of reason and support for many martial problems and divorces. I have tried to be as positive as possible and focused.
But today, I don’t have it in me to be that person. I actually told someone the other day– “I’m sorry but I can’t be a good listener today. I am not feeling myself.”
Sometimes, the adviser and the positive need to be uplifted, too.
Sometimes, the strong need to be carried. Need to be weak.
I am told by many– which is a nice thing– that they admire my tenacity and strength, but even the strong’s shoulders can give. Even the backs of the tenacious can get sore.
Sometimes, we need someone who cares and goes the extra mile for us because I for one am tired of going the distance and never being met half-way.
I keep seeing visions. Not in some trippy way as I’m as sober as can be– but just in my mind.
My mom holding me sick as a kid. Me calling my mom crying as a young adult. Me sitting with my mom at the movies bonding, as a teen.
Be there with your parents as much as you can. One day, they won’t be able to be the parents they once were– and you will miss them greatly.
Then, I remember one guy in particular. A really nice guy from my childhood that was supportive and kind. I remember him working very hard to buy me this beautiful Celtic Cross crystal necklace as a birthday gift. We were great friends. We were in HS, but he understood a lot about me for a teenage boy. He was a good person.
Right now, I wish for a little hope to carry me through this dark time because even the strong needs to be loved.
I wish for good people like my friend and my mom.
I wish for things to get easier.
Sometimes, even the writer doesn’t have hope or inspiration just like everyone else.
Sometimes we too, are a little lost.