When I was in my twenties, I dated this guy who was very much my type, but also really flaky. Hot and cold, he wanted the relationship but didn’t want the relationship. I really liked him and wanted the relationship, but he would change his mind a lot. It was annoying.
I hit my breaking point one day as I was going to visit my family for the holidays from the city, where I was living. I was sad and tired. Sad of him being a flaky pain in my butt. Sad of feeling neglected and also, on his back and forth path. Enough was enough. I wanted off his space cadet tour.
I told him I was done, but happy to be friends. I knew it wouldn’t be super easy to be friends, but I knew I would be happier and honestly, he had gotten on my nerves so much that I was at a point where I didn’t feel the same way about him. I lost the attraction for the most part, too. Being his friend worked for me. A few months after I told him I was done, he tried holding my hand when we went to a movie. I looked at him like, “WTF,” and told him “Nope.”
He stuck to the friendship boundaries for the rest of the friendship, but, still occasionally veered off track by flirting inappropriately or saying how he wished he had given me a real chance. I avoided all that nonsense because to me, I had put him in the friend zone. I had had enough. He had had his chance. Laura was done. He had regrets– and me? I had none.
Sure, sometimes I wondered “What if?” or had some feelings about it, mostly annoyance, especially when years later he met someone and got serious finally, but it rolled past me and we are still friendly to this day, talking periodically here and there.
But as I went through his ups and downs, it was hard on me. I beat myself up feeling like how come I couldn’t get this flaky dude to settle? What was wrong with me?
After beating myself up for a while, I realized it wasn’t me. It was him. I stopped caring. It felt great!
A bit later on after my mixed-up twenties boy, I met someone really special to me. Certain of him and what I wanted, I hoped the relationship would take off. I was definitely more attached to him than the previous mentioned dude, and he seemed to really care about me.
But he flip-flopped constantly, just like my former twenties boy.
He really liked me but didn’t want a relationship. Which really as we all know quite well, meant he didn’t like me enough. He didn’t really care about me. If he did, he would have committed to me.
It tore me up. The feeling that while he liked me, he really didn’t like me enough to commit.
He didn’t like me enough to pick me — for more than a brief phrase.
Remember when you were a kid in school– kindergarten age– and you wanted the teacher to call on you?
That’s exactly how it felt.
Pick me! Pick us! Pick this relationship.
And each time, he would waver and ultimately, not choose to commit to me.
He liked me sure—he liked me but not enough to make me a pivotal part of his life.
I felt those same bad feelings as I had before, but more intensely due to the strength of my connection to him (he said he was connected to me but if he couldn’t commit that was questionable).
Why wasn’t I good enough? What had I done wrong? Actually, I hadn’t done anything wrong.
He seemed to really really really like me, so what was his problem? What wasn’t good enough for him? We had a great time together. Our dates were amazing. What happened?
Did I say the wrong thing? Was I too this or too that? Had I been too available? Should I have been more aloof? Was I not pretty enough or smart enough? Where did I go wrong?
The wall of frustration, loneliness and low self-worth came trickling in.
Actually forget wall, it was a friggin’ mountain of self-doubt and pain as I attempted to figure out what this guy wanted as it clearly wasn’t me. It put me in a depression.
He didn’t want the relationship enough to get the relationship really off the ground.
And we all know that trying to make something work means trying for a consistent period of time with consistent efforts and the acknowledgment between two people that “Hey, we’re trying to make this work” not vacillating back and forth.
My breaking point came during a very lonely and stressful point in my life. I had had enough of being not good enough. I decided I deserved someone who really cared deeply about me.
So, how it feels when someone likes you but not enough, is terrible.
But eventually, you tell yourself— I am better than a “situationship.” I deserve the best. A committed relationship. I am tired of not being what you want. I deserve to be wanted and not as your space-filler or time-killer while you hope to meet someone else you like better.
And at the end of the story, comes someone amazing who does like you enough.
Who does love you 100% and not when convenient or occasional.
The person knows you’re right and makes you feel like you are enough.
This person wants it as much as you do and you don’t have to spend your precious moments feeling like crap about yourself.
Because you are wonderful and amazing and good enough.
And a smart person will see how great you are, unlike the fool who didn’t.
Eventually, you don’t even care what that person thinks of you.
You stop wanting that person.
You had spent so much time trying to please and make the person happy repeatedly, over and over– and failed to get the person to care about you for real– that you just didn’t care anymore.
And that’s when someone amazing walks in and sees you, gets you and pursues you.
This is when the happily ever after begins.
Believe it. It will happen. I promise.