Hanging By a Rope

Photo by Mae Mu on Unsplash

I’ve had a minor health issue for a while, which didn’t bother me terribly until recently. It got worse and was causing a lot of pain and discomfort.

I went to my doctor, who then referred me to a surgeon/specialist and then another specialist. Everyone had something different to say– and all of my “options” come with pluses and serious minuses. I also can just do nothing– or try something minor to see if I notice any difference, which I may or may not notice at all. Oh– and of course, comes with side effects of its own.

I left each appointment feeling more overwhelmed. Worse, when I met with the surgeon, I didn’t think to bring someone with me to ask questions while I sat dazed, overwhelmed and tired trying to follow everything he said. I ended up forgetting to ask a bunch of questions in the meantime, wishing I had afterwards.

Since no one could give me a clear direction on what to do and left it in my hands, I’ve been feeling like I am hanging .. by a thread or dangling by a rope, waiting for some kind of lifeline or answer to come. So far, I’ve just felt mostly paralyzed with indecision.

And then, when I came to a conclusion or a treatment plan or sorts, I then came up against the biggest roadblock: lack of support and help. Trying to coordinate what would happen for my kid and me if I had a procedure in the hospital has been as stressful as seeing the doctors. And feeling that lack of support, I just decided it was better to do nothing.

Until I decided to do further testing … with the hopes that further testing will give me a clearer picture of what I need to do, lifting this sort of indecisive grip that’s come over me. I am just as worried that doing nothing will end up with me feeling worse or regretting that I did nothing.

It’s amazing though what a lack of support can do to a person. It has really caused me to retreat and feel defeated before I’ve even begun. It truly takes someone who actually gives a sh*t to support someone through medical stuff, and I guess I haven’t met someone who actually does give a sh*t yet, sadly. I do know that it could be worse. And for the most part, I am living a healthy life and am active. I try to remind myself of that every day. But the indecision and lack of support, sucks.

Hanging On,

Laura

Mature Love, Immature Lust, Sex & In-between

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When I was younger, I often got too confused between sexual feelings and love. Good sex does not equal love or deep feelings. Just because a man or woman is attracted to you, does not mean that person cares. I stumbled a lot and met disingenuous people back then, but I’m older and wiser now.

Good sex is important in any relationship. There is no doubt that a powerful sexual connection and intimacy will be incredibly beneficial to a relationship and its longevity, but lust does not equal love. While sex can be compromised of two loving partners, it could also be composed of two people who simply are attracted to each other. Animalistic tendencies… Desire and lust does not mean someone actually cares about you or respects you on a deep level.

Immature lust comes with fun and pleasure, but does not come with connection, deep intimacy and deep respect— usually. Although you can lust for a partner you deeply love and you should respect anyone you’re intimate with. But typically, immature lust is just based on physical feelings. That person who lusts after you doesn’t necessarily care about you beyond a physical need. More often that not, you are a need that person wants to fulfill. But beyond that need… you don’t much matter on your own.

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When Someone is Never, Ever Satisfied With You

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Have you ever had a friendship or romantic relationship– even a work relationship or family relationship, where nothing could ever POSSIBLY please the person? Where you tried your damndest to steer the boat and keep things going… while the other person sat back, did nothing?

There is no greater hardship than having someone you care about or admire or work with who never appreciates you or anything you do. For the longest time. I have been quiet. I haven’t written– well, actually, I’ve been working on a novel– but I haven’t been blogging. I was considering simply shutting down my blog and starting a new one. Which I’ve still been thinking about… but that’s when this topic hit close to home with me and is prompting me to return to writing.

I think I have a bad habit of trying too hard to please people. I don’t enjoy conflict and I also, very much enjoy having friendships and romantic relationships. I am a people person. That said, I will do my best to really understand and assess the other person whether it’s work, friend or love, with the goal of making things work.

But I found myself constantly trying to please one person and always failing. The person was confusing and just difficult to predict. There I was steering the boat and trying to understand the course– and the person made it so I never knew where I really stood– or whether I was sailing the right course.

I was patient and things were quiet for a while. I thought I had figured the person and path out. The water was calm… and then it wasn’t. The person was not available like I needed. I missed all the good things about the person because they had become unreachable, withholding the good things I liked so much.

That’s when I had enough. Nothing I did was good enough– the person was never happy enough with me. I stopped trying. It was too much effort to steer the boat and try to keep things going on my own, while this person made it hard.

Moral of the shipwrecked story? Don’t kill yourself trying to make something work or someone happy. There will always be people who are difficult to please. If you’re not enough or right for them and nothing you do is good enough, than that person is the problem.

Setting Sail,

Laura