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Archive for the ‘divorce advice’ Category

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Why You Should Never Be Ashamed of Getting a Divorce

In divorce, divorce advice on August 9, 2017 at 2:31 am

When I randomly look through articles I have written on divorce or read through comments on social media posts of these same articles, there’s always at least one or two “shamers” trolling the pieces. Usually these shamers quote biblical accounts or talk about how these people must be weak or awful, terrible parents (if divorced with kids) or quitters. How back in the day, “people stayed married.” It’s funny. These random strangers seem to think they know everything about a complete stranger’s divorce and life from one article. The ones who quote religion are acting as a “god” of sorts, passing judgments on people they’ve never met and never will.

You, the divorced or the person about to get divorced may also get shamers from your community. Family. Friends. Neighbors. Acquaintances. “Another one bites the dust. Another one quits.” You can see it on their faces, hear it in their words.

Well, as someone three years out and happy, I can tell you: pay these shamers no mind.

#1 Who Made These Folks The Boss Of Your Life?

Really, who gets to tell you what to do or how to feel about your life? Why would you let anyone tell you how to feel about your marriage, your divorce, or anything, period?

No one is the boss of you. Just you. And if someone pulls in religion, remind this person of free will. You have the right to leave someone. You have the right to move on. Unless these people are paying your bills and wiping your tush, who are they? Pay no mind!

Read More: Why You Should Never Be Ashamed of Getting a Divorce

No Shame In My Game!

Laura

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7 Small Silver Linings of Going Through a Divorce

In divorce, divorce advice on August 9, 2017 at 2:29 am

When you’re going through a divorce, it can be hard at times to see all the positives that are coming from breaking off a dead and done marriage. You might find yourself sulking in your own self-pity too much. You might find yourself looking at the glass as not only half-empty, but dead damn empty.

Quit it! It’s OK to be sad. It’s not OK to persist in misery. Whether you wanted the divorce or you didn’t, let’s turn the page and view this as a new start. Here are seven small silver linings of going through a divorce that you’re apt to feel a lot happier and more positive about your new future if you always remember.

#1 A Fresh Start

Do you remember how good it felt when you started something new? New school year? New relationship? New job? New workout? New whatever? Sure, you felt anxious, too. But there was also positivity. Hope. Excitement.

Going through a divorce means at the end, there’s a fresh new start. Cherish that. Cherish it and run with it and I promise you you will feel great joy in your new life.

Read More: 7 Small Silver Linings of Going Through a Divorce

Find The Bright Side,

Laura

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The Number 1 Hardest Thing About Divorce and Hint, It is Not The Finances

In divorce, divorce advice on July 22, 2017 at 1:54 am

Let’s face it. Financial stress can be a key factor in delaying divorce. People are afraid to split due to financial woes. People are delaying the divorce because someone doesn’t want to sign the papers over a low alimony number…whatever the case may be, finances are indeed a real hardship and pain in the butt when it comes to divorce. But the reality is even with that over a divorcing couple’s heads, it’s not the hardest thing about divorce.

And trust me, I know. I did not walk away from my marriage financially comfortable. I hustle. I work hard. There are definitely some incredibly tense times that I don’t sleep worrying about money.

But even still, the hardest thing about divorce is not dividing the property, paying off debts and starting up again on your own.

The hardest thing is having faith that you will be okay again. The hardest thing is telling you that as you’re walking away from someone you may have known for years and years and years…that you will rebuild. That you will find love. That you will be okay.

This is something I struggled with greatly during my separation from my former husband. I wondered if all of the “newness” and uncertainty would be worth it. I wondered if one day, this struggle both emotionally and financially would pay off. I wondered if I would be “okay” again.

So many people sit in bad marriages and situations because the devil they know is easier to deal with than the devil they don’t—will I be ok? Will I move on? Will I find love again? — in so many ways. It’s what my friend Sid calls “Sitting in sh*t.” So many of us sit in the sh*t because the idea of getting ourselves up and cleaning ourselves off seems so much worse than the agony of sitting in smelly, rotten feces—metaphorically speaking.

It’s that question that lingers in the backs of our heads as we move forward and untangle our lives from our former partners that can stall us from either calling it completely quits or from really moving on and embracing a new life after divorce.

It’s that doubt and that silent nagging voice that makes us wonder, even when we know full well that there is NO way in hell we could have stayed married to our former spouses if we will really truly be okay.

 

Read More: The Number 1 Hardest Thing About Divorce and Hint, It is Not The Finances

You Will Be Ok,

Laura

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10 Ways to Show Appreciation to Your Ex For Being a Good Dad This Fathers Day

In divorce, divorce advice, single dad on June 16, 2017 at 2:53 pm

Father’s Day is almost here, but you’re not living with the father of your child/children anymore. If your kids are older, they can certainly figure out a way to tell dad how much they love him, but for those of you with younger children…isn’t it up to you to do something?

Sure, a stepmother or new partner may hold the helm with these duties, but as mom of those children, if you’ve got an ex who is an active and good dad, you should step up and do something. You don’t have to drop cash on him or go all out like you used to because you’re not his wife…but they’re still his kids. If your ex is a good father, step up and show him your appreciation. It could be so much worse. Even if you’re still feeling the sting over the divorce, think of the many divorced parents who watch as the dad walks out on the kids’ lives. If your ex is in it for the long haul, show him how important he is on Father’s Day with these ideas.

1- Plan a Breakfast

If the kids are dying to make him breakfast, ask if he wouldn’t mind if you help the littles make breakfast for him. If his new partner is not happy with the idea, try inviting the new partner too.

What will an hour together hurt?

If the two of you can’t get along but he’s still an awesome dad, give the kids money and let them treat him to breakfast!

Read More: 10 Ways to Show Appreciation to Your Ex For Being a Good Dad This Fathers Day

Be Grateful If He’s Good,

Laura

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Are You Harboring Resentment Against Your Ex?

In divorce, divorce advice on June 8, 2017 at 8:15 pm

One of the hardest things to do during or after a divorce, is let go of any resentment you might have towards a jerky ex.

I get it. You hate her. You hate him. He’s a piece of dog poo. She’s a mess. Your skin crawls when you hear his or her voice…your blood pressure rises with every single email or text from this human being.

Welcome to divorce. Wink.

If you loved your ex still, most likely you wouldn’t be divorced! This doesn’t mean that everyone who gets divorced hates his or her ex as some people remain friendly afterwards, but it’s not unusual to have a bit of dislike for your former partner.

Especially if your ex is a bad coparent, an absent coparent, financially wrecked you, doesn’t pay support, milks you for every cent…or many other numerous reasons. It’s very easy if you’re struggling to rebuild yourself after divorce with or without kids, to not feel a little pissed at the person who is doing you wrong, essentially.

However, anger is an emotion that while it seems to go one way, is an emotion that is both directed…and swallowed. What the heck does that mean? I’m asking myself that now.

It means that when you’re angry, the other party feels your anger, but so do you. They say that depression is anger turned inwards, right? Well if you’re angry at someone else, you’re bound to feel it. Dare I say it, you’re probably consumed with anger! It’s not exactly a very fleeting feeling…being angry at someone. But all that resentment you have towards your ex—is it really making this person a better person? Or is it just wasting your energy?

Read More: Are You Harboring Resentment Against Your Ex?

Let It Go,

Laura

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10 Things You MUST Do In Your First Year As A Divorcée

In divorce, divorce advice on May 13, 2017 at 8:50 pm

Everyone experiences the emotions of divorce differently, but that first year as a divorcee can be a variety of things. From transformative to stressful or perhaps both, the first year can set the stage for how you view life and love, post-marriage.

I highly recommend to all of you just getting your papers signed and official to make this year as positive as possible, even if there are quite a few sh*tstorms headed your way. Here are 9 things to do after a divorce that are absolutely necessary.

1. Start a new hobby.

It doesn’t matter what you choose, but pick a new hobby! If you’re broke and can’t get out of the house much, pick something you can do at home. I don’t care if it’s knitting, painting, scrapbooking, boxing, cycling — whatever hobby you choose, make it something you do for yourself. Not a hobby to meet a new partner or make friends (although making friends is great), but something you can do for you.

It’s time you got to know yourself again. Think of yourself like a plant: after a divorce, you’re dry and thirsty for food, water and sustenance. Feed yourself.

2. Get a physical.

How healthy are you really? After an ordeal like divorce, maybe you’re not as healthy as you would like to be. Get a physical. Get yourself checked out. Assess how you feel so you can decide how to take care of yourself from here on out. Remember, you’re a dry and starving plant.

Read More:  10 Things You MUST Do In Your First Year As A Divorcée

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Are These Divorce Men Stereotypes Fair?

In divorce, divorce advice, Uncategorized on February 27, 2017 at 6:10 pm

While some people certainly make stereotypes come to life, there are also a lot of unfair stereotypes in this world. In my own experience, my ex has fit the bill with some of the stereotypes you’ll see here…but many of my divorced friends and associates do not fall into these harsh and sometimes, untrue assumptions about divorced men. Not every woman or man who divorced is exactly how you imagine them– the money hungry ex-wife….the deadbeat ex-husband. Here are stereotypes that divorced men face each day—no matter how good a man he is…or not.

It was his fault

A lot of people assume the divorce was the man’s fault—at least initially. Obviously if people know a couple, they’ll have an idea of the “root” of the issues, but most times when I tell people I am divorced, they assume it was my ex’s fault. I’m not going to personally reveal the source of our divorce, but I am stating that many people assume the guy either was a cheater, jerk or the cause of the marital discord.

Read More: Are These Divorce Men Stereotypes Fair?

Stereotypes Lie in Falsehoods, Too…

Laura

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8 Tips to Help You with Finances When Facing Divorce

In divorce advice on January 19, 2017 at 2:44 am

Getting a divorce is a marathon—not a sprint and if you know you’re going down the divorce road, prepping your finances is a smart way to handle what’s about to come your way. Finances can be the hardest obstacle of them all in divorce. It’s one thing to go through the various emotions of divorce—grief, anger, happiness, relief and sadness, but quite another to be potentially facing a perilous financial situation.

Here are some tips to help you financially prep for divorce:

1- Assess your accounts and debts—joint and sole:

Here’s one piece of scary news—you better hope your spouse doesn’t have debt secretly wracked up because as the spouse, you can be held responsible. This is something out of your control, but what you can do is assess all the joint and sole accounts and debts. Get a handle on what the two of you stand to have to pay off—and what the two of you will potentially be fighting for, or splitting.

And if you don’t have your own account…

Read more: 8 Tips to Help You with Finances When Facing Divorce

Run With Purpose,

Laura

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Why Single Parenthood Helped Me Face My Anxiety

In divorce, divorce advice, single dad, single mom, single parent life on November 21, 2016 at 2:49 am

I have never been a shy or introverted person. I was always comfortable being “me” even at a young age. Still, I have always been a sensitive soul and as I got older, I was anxious—a high energy, anxious, Type A sort of woman. When my ex and I separated, the anxiety ebbed and flowed. Sometimes, it was fine. There was a happiness and peace in finally deciding to divorce once and for all, as well as a joy in not being with the wrong person: i.e., not fighting every day and night anymore. But with separation and divorce, there came major uncertainty and with those changes and “new territory,” came anxiety.

Dating. Losing a home. Moving out on my own. Becoming financially independent. Navigating the divorce process. Sharing our child. Coparenting.

All of these things brought some very real fears and others, imagined. One of the greatest fears I would wager to bet most divorced people fear is failure.

Will I be able to make it on my own?

Did I make the right choice?

Will my daughter be fine?

Will I go broke?

Will I meet someone?

I want to tell you that two years later all my fears have subsided, but life has changed since we went our separate ways and in some ways, things are easier and other ways, things are much harder.

Single parenthood though, made me face my fears to the highest level.

Read More: Why Single Parenthood Helped Me Face My Anxiety

You Can Do It,

Laura

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Coparenting Versus Parallel Parenting

In divorce, divorce advice on November 21, 2016 at 2:46 am

Parenting after divorce can range from very smooth to completely and utterly difficult. In general after divorce, most parents “coparent” together—sharing duties, working together to be on the same page discipline wise, acting together to plan hobbies, as well as making decisions together on medical and educational matters. It’s not always smooth and pretty, but some parents of divorce can coparent like champs, and even spend time together.

Yeah. That happens sometimes.

But for parents who are in high-conflict divorces or are in the middle of negotiating a divorce, coparenting can be very difficult and sometimes, completely impossible. In that case, these parents “parallel parent,” in which they make daily choices for the kids on their own, without consulting the other parent. In general, they’ll still make the major decisions together—albeit mostly through email—such as health care and education. Because the strife is so ripe and the relationship is so toxic or disengaged, former spouses who parallel parent may not breathe even one word to each other; instead, they rely on the technology of email and text to get the decisions resolved.

Here are the daily differences between coparenting and parallel parenting:

Awareness of the households:

Coparenting— Coparents are very aware of what is going on in the former spouse’s household. They’re both aware of the routines and respect each other’s household differences.

Read More: Coparenting Versus Parallel Parenting

Sometimes You Can’t Coparent,

Laura