In divorce, divorce advice, Uncategorized on February 27, 2017 at 6:10 pm
While some people certainly make stereotypes come to life, there are also a lot of unfair stereotypes in this world. In my own experience, my ex has fit the bill with some of the stereotypes you’ll see here…but many of my divorced friends and associates do not fall into these harsh and sometimes, untrue assumptions about divorced men. Not every woman or man who divorced is exactly how you imagine them– the money hungry ex-wife….the deadbeat ex-husband. Here are stereotypes that divorced men face each day—no matter how good a man he is…or not.
It was his fault
A lot of people assume the divorce was the man’s fault—at least initially. Obviously if people know a couple, they’ll have an idea of the “root” of the issues, but most times when I tell people I am divorced, they assume it was my ex’s fault. I’m not going to personally reveal the source of our divorce, but I am stating that many people assume the guy either was a cheater, jerk or the cause of the marital discord.
Read More: Are These Divorce Men Stereotypes Fair?
Stereotypes Lie in Falsehoods, Too…
In divorce advice on January 19, 2017 at 2:44 am
Getting a divorce is a marathon—not a sprint and if you know you’re going down the divorce road, prepping your finances is a smart way to handle what’s about to come your way. Finances can be the hardest obstacle of them all in divorce. It’s one thing to go through the various emotions of divorce—grief, anger, happiness, relief and sadness, but quite another to be potentially facing a perilous financial situation.
Here are some tips to help you financially prep for divorce:
1- Assess your accounts and debts—joint and sole:
Here’s one piece of scary news—you better hope your spouse doesn’t have debt secretly wracked up because as the spouse, you can be held responsible. This is something out of your control, but what you can do is assess all the joint and sole accounts and debts. Get a handle on what the two of you stand to have to pay off—and what the two of you will potentially be fighting for, or splitting.
And if you don’t have your own account…
Read more: 8 Tips to Help You with Finances When Facing Divorce
Run With Purpose,
In divorce, divorce advice, single dad, single mom, single parent life on November 21, 2016 at 2:49 am
I have never been a shy or introverted person. I was always comfortable being “me” even at a young age. Still, I have always been a sensitive soul and as I got older, I was anxious—a high energy, anxious, Type A sort of woman. When my ex and I separated, the anxiety ebbed and flowed. Sometimes, it was fine. There was a happiness and peace in finally deciding to divorce once and for all, as well as a joy in not being with the wrong person: i.e., not fighting every day and night anymore. But with separation and divorce, there came major uncertainty and with those changes and “new territory,” came anxiety.
Dating. Losing a home. Moving out on my own. Becoming financially independent. Navigating the divorce process. Sharing our child. Coparenting.
All of these things brought some very real fears and others, imagined. One of the greatest fears I would wager to bet most divorced people fear is failure.
Will I be able to make it on my own?
Did I make the right choice?
Will my daughter be fine?
Will I go broke?
Will I meet someone?
I want to tell you that two years later all my fears have subsided, but life has changed since we went our separate ways and in some ways, things are easier and other ways, things are much harder.
Single parenthood though, made me face my fears to the highest level.
Read More: Why Single Parenthood Helped Me Face My Anxiety
You Can Do It,
In divorce, divorce advice on November 21, 2016 at 2:46 am
Parenting after divorce can range from very smooth to completely and utterly difficult. In general after divorce, most parents “coparent” together—sharing duties, working together to be on the same page discipline wise, acting together to plan hobbies, as well as making decisions together on medical and educational matters. It’s not always smooth and pretty, but some parents of divorce can coparent like champs, and even spend time together.
Yeah. That happens sometimes.
But for parents who are in high-conflict divorces or are in the middle of negotiating a divorce, coparenting can be very difficult and sometimes, completely impossible. In that case, these parents “parallel parent,” in which they make daily choices for the kids on their own, without consulting the other parent. In general, they’ll still make the major decisions together—albeit mostly through email—such as health care and education. Because the strife is so ripe and the relationship is so toxic or disengaged, former spouses who parallel parent may not breathe even one word to each other; instead, they rely on the technology of email and text to get the decisions resolved.
Here are the daily differences between coparenting and parallel parenting:
Awareness of the households:
Coparenting— Coparents are very aware of what is going on in the former spouse’s household. They’re both aware of the routines and respect each other’s household differences.
Read More: Coparenting Versus Parallel Parenting
Sometimes You Can’t Coparent,
In divorce, divorce advice on October 26, 2016 at 5:54 pm
Hands down the greatest fear involving divorce is the fear of the unknown. It’s the fear of walking away from something you have known for years, maybe even for decades, simply to walk out into the great unknown. If you’re divorcing with kids, the second greatest fear is “How will my kids cope?” but before you can even consider how you will get your kids through the ordeal, you have to commit to making the choice to leave.
I wish I had magic that could tell you that making this choice will be crystal clear and vivid. Indeed, it may. There are some people who after much fretting, getting the feeling and vision that the only choice for survival is to leave, right away! This vision/emotion will carry someone through the whole divorce process.
And then of course, there are many people who fall into the “grey” area. They may know leaving is the best choice, but as they make the call, they struggle internally with whether or not it’s really the right thing. The good news in all of this is no matter what, I can tell you that even if you leave a marriage feeling uncertain and fearful, eventually, you will see that you made the right choice.
That crystal clear vision WILL come.
Read More: How to Build Your Strength To Leave
You Can Do It,
In divorce, divorce advice, Uncategorized on October 11, 2016 at 1:29 am
You and your soon-to-be ex-spouse have decided to get a divorce and at first, the two of you were not ready to tell anyone. However now, it’s time to separate and really step out into the world as two separated distinct beings. How do you go about telling your friends and family? Is there a method or a way to go about it to try and break the news in a way that allows you to both keep your sanities and privacy?
There is no definite rulebook as to how to tell everyone, but there are some smart ways to go about the matter that will incur you and your former spouse, les stress.
Who NEEDS to Know
Before you start breaking the news, decide who really needs to know. In the early stages of separation, you are most likely going to feel vulnerable, scared and unsure. You and your former spouse can have a conversation over whom you both feel “needs” to know about the divorce, but understand that your partner’s view and comfort level may be different than yours. So when deciding to tell people, choose people in the beginning that you feel comfortable seeing you at your potential worst. The early stages are often the hardest.
Read More: How to Tell Your Friends & Family You’re Getting a Divorce
It’s Going to Be O.k.,
In divorce, divorce advice on July 31, 2016 at 2:11 am
You are like Oz: the man behind the curtain is much smaller and vulnerable than he appears to be.
I see you everywhere, broken hearted divorced guys. You come up as my matches through online dating. You are my friends. You are the guys who talk to me and get close, only to retreat away. You are the men who comment under my articles, an anger seething in even the mildest words.
You are broken hearted but you won’t say so.
You’ll use words like “angry” or “over her” or “not ready,” but not once will you admit it: You are broken hearted. Your spirits are down. Your heart is broken. You wonder if you will ever be whole again.
You wonder if you will ever find the person you were before all of this began. You won’t say a word to anyone. Why call friends and burden them? Why go through the blow-by-blow of your disintegrated and dead marriage with family? Do they need to hear your heart’s worst pains?
No, you tell yourself. A real man goes this alone. And besides, you don’t want to be known as the “sad” guy. You don’t want pity or someone’s “I’m sorries.” Instead, you want to feel like a man again. You want to feel human. You want to wash yourself clean of this experience and magically, voila, be a new person again.
Except that doesn’t happen. Not to anyone. It comes in time, but to you, it’s taking too long. Why does it need to be never-ending?
Read More: For All The Broken Divorced Guys Out There
It Gets Better,
In dating, dating advice, divorce, divorce advice on July 31, 2016 at 2:03 am
You’re separated from your soon-to-be-former spouse, and now you’re wondering: is it acceptable for me to date?
I wish I had an easy yes or no answer for you, but each situation is different. Some people may be available to date easily, and others? Not so much. There is one thing I can say with absolute certainty on the subject and that is this: whether you are divorcing with kids, without kids, or have been married a long time or simply a few years, no one is ready to be serious with ANYONE right after a separation.
Sure, you could be ready to have fun, have sex, and casually date, but you are no one’s Mrs. Right until you have taken time to assess yourself, your failed marriage, and where you are going in life. Not to mention, you need to heal. You may feel completely over someone, but the fact is it takes time to unravel yourself from a marriage.
Here are some indicators/rules you can go by to determine whether you are ready to casually date vs. whether you are not ready to casually date.
Read More: Do NOT Date Before the Divorce Is Finalized Until You Consider These Important Factors
It’s Not the Smartest Move,
In divorce, divorce advice, single dad, single mom on July 21, 2016 at 1:36 pm
I learned something very important in court parenting class. Something I didn’t expect.
I was sitting in a large nondescript room that looked something like a school cafeteria or a VFW, about to listen to a court parenting class. They offered cheap snacks like peanuts and granola bars, along with water bottles. I grabbed some snacks and looked around. As I scanned the crowd I saw newly separated people with the mark of divorce on their faces. The exhaustion, fear and defeat showed on almost everyone. I had already been separated for 2 years at this point so it wasn’t new to me. Yet as “old” as it was to me, sitting in that class taught me a lot.
I learned a lot about what the court deals with in regards to children and divorce. I learned a lot about what the court expects from me and other divorced parents.
But the one thing that stuck with me was when the court social worker told us we should never call our “ex” our “ex” in front of our children or to other people we are speaking to in front of the kids.
“Ex has a bad connotation. Ex is something that is no longer part of you. Ex is the past. But to your kids, your “ex” is their father or mother. A good person. A part of them. Their present and future.”
Read More: The 1 Thing to Never Say to Your Child After Divorce
One Small Habit to Make,
In divorce, divorce advice, single dad, single mom, single parent life on May 26, 2016 at 5:00 pm
In all truth, ever since splitting from my former husband, the hardest times for me have been holidays…and summer weekends alone. It’s easy to understand why adjusting to sharing holidays has been hard. Thankfully, my ex and I split almost every single holiday day in half since we live close. But why have I found summer weekends alone to be hard in particular? Well, I suppose it’s one thing to be alone on a frigid cold winter night. Is everyone else going out and having a good time? Most likely not. Most likely they’re Netflixing and “chilling” or literally watching Netflix alone like any other single gal home at night on a Saturday in January. But in the summer there are a lot of family vacations, hot summer romances, trips away…and as a single person who hasn’t been too impressed yet with the dating pool, the nights I found myself struggling to find something to do felt pretty awkward and sad in the past. I was, in theory, supposed to have “fun” on my free nights and be out like everyone else, so why wasn’t I? I mean, I was having fun sometimes, but it was hard to find other single people ready to go out. It seemed like more of a chore to find something to do than I had expected, but most of my friends were home with their partners, like other married folks.
Read More: How to make the most of a long weekend alone without the kids— Divorce Style