6 Bad Attitudes That Keep You From Finalizing Your Divorce

One of the biggest themes I see in the divorce groups I frequent as well as moderate is the grey zone of separation. So there you are. You’re separated. Maybe you’ve been separated for a few months or maybe, a few years. You figure that as long as you’re separated, it’s done and finalizing the whole deal…doesn’t really matter.

Wrong.

That’s what you have told yourself, at least. I’ve watched, counseled, listened and read person after person struggle with cutting the cord for good. Almost everyone (including my former self!) has had excuse after excuse to delay the process.

When usually, the reality is that you’re harboring some bad or negative attitudes that are holding you back from making it official. It could even be fear of what’s to come. The hope of reconciliation. The dread of dealing with the legalities.

From separation to the final court date, it took about two years for my ex and I to make our divorce official. And that, my friends, was too long. Too long for both of us, I am sure, but now at least it’s been done for a few years now.

Read More: 6 Bad Attitudes That Keep You From Finalizing Your Divorce

Move Ahead,

Laura

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5 Ways Divorce Changed My Attitude About Love for the Better

After my divorce, I wanted to be better, not bitter. Loved, not lonely. Positive, not prattling on about how things didn’t turn out for me. Whining is not sexy and after age six, it’s downright dreadful, to be honest. Even before age six, but I like to try to give kids a benefit of the doubt until kindergarten. Wink.

I knew I didn’t want to be that angry chick at the bar pissing and moaning about her ex-husband.

What Motivated Me?

A million things, but one day, a girlfriend of mine and I went to a bar by the shore for a drink. It was a beautiful summer night, and a lecherous drunk dude kept bothering me. When he asked me out, I—
surprise—said no, and he proceeded to curse me out. Thank god the bartender told him to back the heck off. Once drunk dude quit yelling at me, he went on to talk about his “whore ex-wife.”

That was not going to be me I thought, in the middle of finalizing my divorce.

Read More: 5 Ways Divorce Changed My Attitude About Love for the Better

Believe,

Laura

The Top 6 Things I Learned From My Failed Marriage

People don’t walk down the aisle expecting to end up going separate ways. If they did, that would be clinically insane. With that said, sometimes things don’t go the way we planned or hoped, and that goes for marriage. We could have a billion good intentions and truly believe in our heart of hearts that this marriage will work out and then … it doesn’t.

The vows have been said. Families have been made. Bonds have been created.

And broken. And frayed. And destroyed.

What happens when it doesn’t work out? What happens when the love is gone and you have to start over?

You live. You learn. You move on. You grow. You love again—and often, even more than you did before.

That may be hard to believe if you’re in the middle of watching your marriage disintegrate, but it is so true! Here are the top six things I learned from my failed marriage, and they have served me all for the better.

Read More: The Top 6 Things I Learned From My Failed Marriage

Always Learning,

Laura

4 Perspectives to Embrace When Supporting Your Kids After Divorce

Our children are bystanders in the divorce process. Theyoverave no control in the matter and can often just sit or stand by and watch as their families change, drastically. Depending on the age of the child and the child’s individual personality, some kids will roll with divorce more easily than others. Not to mention, a child will fare better and come out happy despite divorce if the two parents are both active parents who for the most part, get along. This doesn’t mean you and your former spouse have to be “BFF’s,” but that the more you get along, the easier it is in general.

Keeping this in mind that our children are bystanders and the “audience” of the whole divorce debacle, how can we minimize the negative impacts a divorce can bring? Because our kids aren’t part of a passive audience: the divorce changes their lives in many ways.

Whether you’re separating, newly divorced or an old seasoned “pro” at divorce, keep in mind these 4 perspectives when parenting children after divorce.

Read More: 4 Perspectives to Embrace When Supporting Your Kids After Divorce

Support Them,

Laura

 

6 Thoughts You Will Have About Your Ex and Damnit, It’s Ok

If we really loved our exes so much, we would still be with them. You don’t divorce someone because that person is the love of your life. Of course, you can still have plenty of positive thoughts about your ex-spouse after a divorce, but if you have a few bad ones, well … that’s not unusual, and you won’t go to hell.
Unless of course, you treat the person like garbage. That’s a whole other story.
But if you’ve ever had these thoughts about your ex, you’re in good company with many others who have felt the same way. Have a laugh and also, take heed of the positive spin I’ll give on all of those negative feelings. If you can’t grow from this experience, then what was the point of divorcing the person?

  1. HOW DID MY EX FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO FALL FOR HIS/HER SH*T?

     

    Yup, this isn’t an unusual thought to have. But before you go crazy wondering, keep a few things in mind:

    Read More: 6 Thoughts You Will Have About Your Ex and Damnit, It’s Ok

 

You’re Human,

Laura

7 Bad Habits to Ditch From Your Marriage For a Happier Life

Whether you realize it or not, you formulated bad habits during your broken marriage that need to be left behind. We’ve all seen it: people get divorced or break up, and they carry that heavy baggage with them, bringing along a boatload of issues to the next relationship. We can’t completely ignore the fact that our experiences do shape us, but we can let go of certain bad behaviors and habits from our past in order to transition to a healthier future.

If you’ve dusted yourself off after your divorce and want to have a happier future, here are some bad habits to ditch from here on out.

  1. BELIEVING YOU ARE A VICTIM

     

    Yes, your ex could have been abusive or manipulative. Yes, your ex may have lied and had an affair. These are both horrible things, and difficult to recover from.

    However, you are not a victim. You got out of the situation and while you may still have to deal with this person, you need to view yourself as empowered and not a victim. You need to see yourself as having options and being in charge of your destiny. You chose to marry the wrong person. Accept this, and move on knowing you will choose better the next time.

Read More: 7 Bad Habits to Ditch From Your Marriage For a Happier Life

Say Buh-Bye, Bad Habits,

Laura

8 Signs You’ve Healed After Your Broken Marriage

Healing from a broken marriage requires time, love and patience — to a different degree for each individual. How much time, love and patience you’ll need with yourself to heal really depends on a few things, like:

  • How positive your outlook is
  • How your mental health is to start, before the divorce process, as mental health issues may play into your healing
  • How strong your support network is
  • How self-aware you are of your own role in your marriage’s demise, whether it was picking a bad abusive partner, making bad choices on your end, or a mix of things
  • How committed you are to having a better life after divorce
  • How much change you need to make to finalize the divorce (housing, money, etc.)

 

No matter whether the cards are stacked for you or against you though, you can move on and heal from your broken marriage. It may seem hard to put the past behind you, but you have to. You have to leave it where it belongs…in the past. It can’t be changed, reversed or altered, so accepting what is and trying to decide what will be next is vital to your happiness. Your future is bright and your glass is always half-full!

 

Here are 8 signs you’ve healed past your broken marriage:

  1. YOU WANT SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE WITHOUT FEAR HE/SHE WILL BE A REPEAT

     

    You’re not sitting around fearful that the next person will just be like your “insert bad word” ex spouse. Sure, you may be afraid to be vulnerable and get hurt, but the fear is not so paralyzing that you’re going to A: self-sabotage something with a great new partner or B: run from any commitment. You know you could get hurt and you’re scared, but not so scared that you’re about to stay home alone every Saturday night to protect yourself from getting hurt.

Read More: 8 Signs You’ve Healed After Your Broken Marriage

Feeling Good,

Laura

When Life Gives You Lemons, Tell Life F U And Laugh

Life loves to hand out lemons. Whether you’re rich or poor, young or old, male or female or whatever you choose to identify as, I can guarantee you that life will send some lemons your way, for sure.

And let’s be real: when you’ve gone through a divorce you sort of feel as if you took the whole friggin’ lemon in your mouth and drank sour juice for months on end. Even in the best of divorce situations, we’ve all had a bit of sour taste in our mouth and it’s easy to be depressed and discouraged with puckered lips to boot.

With a show of hands, how many of you have simply felt like you couldn’t handle another thing life handed you? How many of you have felt like it’s never going to get better? Like life is raining little tiny sh*t balls all over you? Feeling like you’re walking around the corner, getting slimed by your worst enemies every day?

Read More: When Life Gives You Lemons, Tell Life F U And Laugh

Adjust Your Crown & Keep Walking,

Laura

How My Divorce Turned Me Into The Independent Woman I Am Today

When I first met my ex-husband, I was wrapping up a period in which I saw an amazing therapist. I was working on myself and trying to overcome certain things and doing a great job, but still had a ways to go. But hey—each journey begins with one step, right?

I say that I had a ways to go because when I met my ex-husband, I really believed that maybe I wasn’t quite good enough yet and that the relationship was proof that I was indeed, good enough. If you don’t know this, a healthy relationship begins with two people who already know they are worthy of love, and not needing a relationship to “confirm” this belief. Unfortunately, my ex used this to his advantage numerous times, trying to remind me how basically, I wasn’t all that great or smart and that I had “so many problems,” unlike him, who was apparently, untouchable from problems that the rest of the population had. Empathy was not his strong suit.

This isn’t to say that he never said good things about me and this isn’t to say I was the perfect wife. I wasn’t perfect. I made mistakes of course like anyone, but that narrative was I was slightly lesser than and needed his help. Who wrote the narrative? Was it me? Him? Both of us?

Read More: How My Divorce Turned Me Into The Independent Woman I Am Today 

Stronger,

Laura

Two Spiritual Changes In My Life That I Once Snubbed, But Needed To Make

I am not religious. My parents came from two religious backgrounds, and so we weren’t particularly religious or observant. But growing up, I was completely fascinated by religion and people’s cultural and familial habits. I loved (and still love) learning about what religious beliefs people practice, how they formed or learned about these practices, what texts/traditions and habits surround their beliefs and how they honor/or don’t honor them today as adults. So, I guess you could say that I was always interested in spirituality, but at the same time I feel conflicted. I’ve read a bunch of religious texts and studied around, but I don’t have watertight convictions that I am certain of. I’m half romantic, and half skeptic/scientist. I want proof, I’m not sure there is any proof, but at the same time, I want to believe in faith, hope, and a divine power and being.

So I’ve had a hard time throughout life really figuring out where I fall in because often, religion proves to be too strict or too narrow-minded for me, and yet, spirituality…sounds too open-ended. Or too hippie-ish for me. But as times got harder after my divorce, I realized I needed something for myself…something to help provide a place of peace and happiness. Positivity, even if it’s just a spark of positivity, because sometimes one little spark can set my attitude aflame, in the right kind of way. I started to realize that instead of saying, “Yeah, I should really do this for my own well-being,” I had to actually start doing it instead of simply talking the talk and not walking the walk.

Read More: Two Spiritual Changes In My Life That I Once Snubbed, But Needed To Make 

Breathe Deep & Reflect,

Laura