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Archive for the ‘divorce’ Category

9 New Traditions to Make in Your Life After Divorce

In divorce, divorce advice on October 16, 2017 at 1:04 am

If you’re recently divorced or just divorced, it’s sort of a baptism or conversion by fire. Suddenly you’re single. Suddenly perhaps, you’re raising children alone. Suddenly, your money is gone…you’re back in the workforce…

Whatever the case may be, divorce brings up sudden, and in many ways, irreversible changes to your life. And while some of these changes may be joyous, others may not be. You’re essentially sitting there with the pieces of your life saying, “Hmm, what is the best way to put this together in such a way that my life is better than it was before?”

Because we divorce to have a better life, don’t we? To have a better marriage. To have a better love. To have peace within our hearts and our homes and our children’s homes. To start afresh. To accept that sometimes, relationships end.

And to start your life off right whether you’re newly divorced or perhaps divorced for years and realizing that hey, I haven’t been doing this whole “post-divorce life” right….

You need new traditions! You need milestones and “evaluations” that symbolizes who you are and maybe even who your family is now, after divorce. These traditions will make your life feel and be special and positive.

These traditions will show that your home is not broken, just reconfigured.

1) Annual Divorceaversary

I don’t see this to be crude about divorce or trite but, each year as your divorce anniversary comes around, why not take it as a moment to evaluate:

  • How far you have come and maybe even how far your kids have come
  • Where you need to go to next
  • What things are you still struggling with? What are things your kids struggling with still?
  • Have you made peace with the divorce?
  • Are you having meaningful relationships, romantically and with friends and family?

Use this time to reflect on all you have done…and all you need to do still.

Read More: 9 New Traditions to Make in Your Life After Divorce 

All Fresh,

Laura

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Why Saying Goodbye Can Mean Saying Hello To A Better Start

In divorce, love, relationships on October 8, 2017 at 2:37 am

Saying goodbye is probably the most painful thing, ever. It’s the worst word to ever utter. It’s right up there neck and neck with, “I don’t love you” or even worse:

Telling someone you love him or her…and that person not saying I love you back.

Goodbye is final. It’s depressing. It’s heartwrenching. It cuts you right in the gut.

Endings are the worst. Truly. There is no torture worse than a breakup or divorce, right?

Right…very right. And wrong.

When love is real and right, it doesn’t end. It doesn’t end for a few weeks or months. It doesn’t die. It might ebb and flow. You might have times in which your “love tank” for your partner is low.

But it doesn’t end. It doesn’t say goodbye. Real love persists, even when sometimes, g-d damnit, we wish we didn’t love someone …

Real love with someone is forever because it always exists.

So if you’re saying goodbye or someone is leaving you in the dust it is very painful, but sometimes?

It’s very right.

Saying goodbye means that there is a “Hello” about to come right around the corner.

Saying goodbye to someone who isn’t right for you, isn’t right to you, or you two aren’t right together…means a fresh start.

Saying goodbye means you are back on that train platform, waiting to see what destination awaits you.

Where your heart will take you next.

Read More: Why Saying Goodbye Can Mean Saying Hello To A Better Start 

Start Fresh,

Laura

5 Things You Should Not Be Ashamed to Do During and After Divorce

In divorce, divorce advice on September 22, 2017 at 1:09 am

Imagine a huge knotted ball of yarn in front of you. Imagine you’re trying to untangle each knot. Have you ever done that? Untangled a gold chain? A knot in your hair? Your shoelace? Your ball of yarn?

Can you recall the feeling of frustration and annoyance, as every time you thought you had the knot free and clear, you really didn’t? Can you remember the patience and persistence it took to get that knot free?

That my friends is divorce. Untangling your life from another’s. Learning to build another life as you pick away at “knots” often frustrated, but always, always requiring persistence.

With that said there will be things you may have to do during and after the divorce process that will feel frustrating and require you to be persistent and patient. Despite those feelings of discomfort and aggravation, please don’t be ashamed to do these things in order to cope with both the divorce itself and making a life for you once the divorce is done.

 

1- Get Financial Help

You may not have financial stability during this process. You may have once been comfortable. You may have come from a comfortable or middle-class family.

You may now be completely, financially unstable.

You may feel desperate at times and may wonder, “Which bill should I pay and which should I risk letting go?”

Here are things you should do—and don’t feel ashamed:

Read More: 5 Things You Should Not Be Ashamed to Do During and After Divorce

 

Stay Positive,

Laura

10 Things You SHOULD Do When Divorcing With Kids

In divorce, divorce advice on September 7, 2017 at 8:12 pm

There are some things that people intrinsically know and “say” they’re going to do if they are divorcing with kids…and then the divorce gets ugly.

And then…people stop behaving like adults in the best interest of the kids…and instead, in the best of interest of their own egos and attitudes…entirely in the worst way for their children!

This is not acceptable. We know way too much about the impact of divorce on children. We all love our kids. Just because the divorce is stressful it does not mean that parents get to forget about the little human beings that need them so very much to be, civil, mature and responsible.

Here are 10 things you SHOULD do when divorcing with kids if you want your kids to be happy, period.

 

1- Don’t Compare Them to The Ex – Keep To Yourself

Telling your kid in a negative tone of voice how “You remind me so much of your father/mother” or “You act so much like daddy/mommy,” is a surefire way to mess up your kids.

I don’t care if your child is your ex’s twin—be quiet! Keep those thoughts in your head. Save your issues with your ex for your ex, and not your innocent child.

 

2- Let The Small Stuff Slide

Does your ex-have the sneakers you bought at his or her house and not yours?

Does your child want to bring toys from your house to your ex’s? Does your child not feeling well and wants to sleep in at the exes during your custody time?

Let it slide. If it’s not happening constantly or affecting YOUR CHILD, drop it.

Read More:  10 Things You SHOULD Do When Divorcing With Kids

My Summer of Zero Dates

In dating, dating advice, divorce, Uncategorized on August 9, 2017 at 2:33 am

I decided at some point that this was going to be my summer of zero dates.

Well, mostly.

I was online and on apps a lot. I had more first dates in a two month period than I had in my entire life, and I was always a pretty active dater. Nothing disastrous had happened. Nothing traumatic. I just felt as if the dating had become a chore.

For most people, casual conversation with a “mostly” stranger like the dates you have online are difficult. For me, I could talk to anyone…really. The janitor. The CEO. The three-year old child. The eighty-year old guy with Dementia on the subway. Conversing with dates was a breeze.

I met interesting people…and not so interesting people. Some were a little crazy while others were perfectly fine.

None gave me a tingle or spark. None made me say, let’s take this to the next level.

And hey, when you are divorced and dating, we all know how tough that can be.

Juggling your schedules around the kids…if you’ve both got them or you or your date is a parent.

Trusting someone after perhaps some intense trust fails from an ex.

Revealing parts of yourself and being vulnerable after watching a marriage fail.

Dating after divorce is an intricate dance, and one that I had committed to carrying out, from the beginning intro the final curtsy, but before summer had even dropped its hot humid temperatures on the East Coast, I was just done.

Not bitter. Not jaded.

Just bored.

Read More: My Summer of Zero Dates

A Little Break,

Laura

Why You Should Never Be Ashamed of Getting a Divorce

In divorce, divorce advice on August 9, 2017 at 2:31 am

When I randomly look through articles I have written on divorce or read through comments on social media posts of these same articles, there’s always at least one or two “shamers” trolling the pieces. Usually these shamers quote biblical accounts or talk about how these people must be weak or awful, terrible parents (if divorced with kids) or quitters. How back in the day, “people stayed married.” It’s funny. These random strangers seem to think they know everything about a complete stranger’s divorce and life from one article. The ones who quote religion are acting as a “god” of sorts, passing judgments on people they’ve never met and never will.

You, the divorced or the person about to get divorced may also get shamers from your community. Family. Friends. Neighbors. Acquaintances. “Another one bites the dust. Another one quits.” You can see it on their faces, hear it in their words.

Well, as someone three years out and happy, I can tell you: pay these shamers no mind.

#1 Who Made These Folks The Boss Of Your Life?

Really, who gets to tell you what to do or how to feel about your life? Why would you let anyone tell you how to feel about your marriage, your divorce, or anything, period?

No one is the boss of you. Just you. And if someone pulls in religion, remind this person of free will. You have the right to leave someone. You have the right to move on. Unless these people are paying your bills and wiping your tush, who are they? Pay no mind!

Read More: Why You Should Never Be Ashamed of Getting a Divorce

No Shame In My Game!

Laura

7 Small Silver Linings of Going Through a Divorce

In divorce, divorce advice on August 9, 2017 at 2:29 am

When you’re going through a divorce, it can be hard at times to see all the positives that are coming from breaking off a dead and done marriage. You might find yourself sulking in your own self-pity too much. You might find yourself looking at the glass as not only half-empty, but dead damn empty.

Quit it! It’s OK to be sad. It’s not OK to persist in misery. Whether you wanted the divorce or you didn’t, let’s turn the page and view this as a new start. Here are seven small silver linings of going through a divorce that you’re apt to feel a lot happier and more positive about your new future if you always remember.

#1 A Fresh Start

Do you remember how good it felt when you started something new? New school year? New relationship? New job? New workout? New whatever? Sure, you felt anxious, too. But there was also positivity. Hope. Excitement.

Going through a divorce means at the end, there’s a fresh new start. Cherish that. Cherish it and run with it and I promise you you will feel great joy in your new life.

Read More: 7 Small Silver Linings of Going Through a Divorce

Find The Bright Side,

Laura

The Number 1 Hardest Thing About Divorce and Hint, It is Not The Finances

In divorce, divorce advice on July 22, 2017 at 1:54 am

Let’s face it. Financial stress can be a key factor in delaying divorce. People are afraid to split due to financial woes. People are delaying the divorce because someone doesn’t want to sign the papers over a low alimony number…whatever the case may be, finances are indeed a real hardship and pain in the butt when it comes to divorce. But the reality is even with that over a divorcing couple’s heads, it’s not the hardest thing about divorce.

And trust me, I know. I did not walk away from my marriage financially comfortable. I hustle. I work hard. There are definitely some incredibly tense times that I don’t sleep worrying about money.

But even still, the hardest thing about divorce is not dividing the property, paying off debts and starting up again on your own.

The hardest thing is having faith that you will be okay again. The hardest thing is telling you that as you’re walking away from someone you may have known for years and years and years…that you will rebuild. That you will find love. That you will be okay.

This is something I struggled with greatly during my separation from my former husband. I wondered if all of the “newness” and uncertainty would be worth it. I wondered if one day, this struggle both emotionally and financially would pay off. I wondered if I would be “okay” again.

So many people sit in bad marriages and situations because the devil they know is easier to deal with than the devil they don’t—will I be ok? Will I move on? Will I find love again? — in so many ways. It’s what my friend Sid calls “Sitting in sh*t.” So many of us sit in the sh*t because the idea of getting ourselves up and cleaning ourselves off seems so much worse than the agony of sitting in smelly, rotten feces—metaphorically speaking.

It’s that question that lingers in the backs of our heads as we move forward and untangle our lives from our former partners that can stall us from either calling it completely quits or from really moving on and embracing a new life after divorce.

It’s that doubt and that silent nagging voice that makes us wonder, even when we know full well that there is NO way in hell we could have stayed married to our former spouses if we will really truly be okay.

 

Read More: The Number 1 Hardest Thing About Divorce and Hint, It is Not The Finances

You Will Be Ok,

Laura

10 Ways to Show Appreciation to Your Ex For Being a Good Dad This Fathers Day

In divorce, divorce advice, single dad on June 16, 2017 at 2:53 pm

Father’s Day is almost here, but you’re not living with the father of your child/children anymore. If your kids are older, they can certainly figure out a way to tell dad how much they love him, but for those of you with younger children…isn’t it up to you to do something?

Sure, a stepmother or new partner may hold the helm with these duties, but as mom of those children, if you’ve got an ex who is an active and good dad, you should step up and do something. You don’t have to drop cash on him or go all out like you used to because you’re not his wife…but they’re still his kids. If your ex is a good father, step up and show him your appreciation. It could be so much worse. Even if you’re still feeling the sting over the divorce, think of the many divorced parents who watch as the dad walks out on the kids’ lives. If your ex is in it for the long haul, show him how important he is on Father’s Day with these ideas.

1- Plan a Breakfast

If the kids are dying to make him breakfast, ask if he wouldn’t mind if you help the littles make breakfast for him. If his new partner is not happy with the idea, try inviting the new partner too.

What will an hour together hurt?

If the two of you can’t get along but he’s still an awesome dad, give the kids money and let them treat him to breakfast!

Read More: 10 Ways to Show Appreciation to Your Ex For Being a Good Dad This Fathers Day

Be Grateful If He’s Good,

Laura

Are You Harboring Resentment Against Your Ex?

In divorce, divorce advice on June 8, 2017 at 8:15 pm

One of the hardest things to do during or after a divorce, is let go of any resentment you might have towards a jerky ex.

I get it. You hate her. You hate him. He’s a piece of dog poo. She’s a mess. Your skin crawls when you hear his or her voice…your blood pressure rises with every single email or text from this human being.

Welcome to divorce. Wink.

If you loved your ex still, most likely you wouldn’t be divorced! This doesn’t mean that everyone who gets divorced hates his or her ex as some people remain friendly afterwards, but it’s not unusual to have a bit of dislike for your former partner.

Especially if your ex is a bad coparent, an absent coparent, financially wrecked you, doesn’t pay support, milks you for every cent…or many other numerous reasons. It’s very easy if you’re struggling to rebuild yourself after divorce with or without kids, to not feel a little pissed at the person who is doing you wrong, essentially.

However, anger is an emotion that while it seems to go one way, is an emotion that is both directed…and swallowed. What the heck does that mean? I’m asking myself that now.

It means that when you’re angry, the other party feels your anger, but so do you. They say that depression is anger turned inwards, right? Well if you’re angry at someone else, you’re bound to feel it. Dare I say it, you’re probably consumed with anger! It’s not exactly a very fleeting feeling…being angry at someone. But all that resentment you have towards your ex—is it really making this person a better person? Or is it just wasting your energy?

Read More: Are You Harboring Resentment Against Your Ex?

Let It Go,

Laura