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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

6 Things I’d Rather Do Than Be Pregnant Again

In humor, pregnancy on August 11, 2017 at 12:30 pm

Pregnancy, for me at least, was hard and sucked. I was hospitalized, sick the majority of the time and barely ate the whole time. It was definitely nothing like the TV shows and movies told me it would be. And you know, those TV pregnancies went by in two episodes. They were quick. Sitcom labor looked like it hurt just a little—about as painful as a splinter removal or ripping off a Band-Aid.

Needless to say, the media lied.

Whenever I get the stomach flu or bad heartburn or anything related to my stomach, I have flashbacks to pregnancy. Puking in a pink bucket. Eating ice cubes for meals. And suddenly wanting my life to end that very minute.

So, thanks, but no thanks. There won’t be a “second act.” One and done. Period.

Here are 6 things I would rather do than be pregnant again!

1. Walk Down the Street Naked

I would rather walk in my nice, quiet neighborhood nude and have people point and say, “Where are her meds?” and show everyone my everything than be pregnant for even one friggin’ day!

Read More: 6 Things I’d Rather Do Than Be Pregnant Again

The State of Wellness

In fitness & wellness, humor on July 22, 2017 at 1:52 am

Being well. Eating organic. Avoiding GMO’s. Making sure you’re part of a Crossfit “box.” Never using anything that has toxins on your skin. Doing yoga at least twice a week. Having a life coach.

If you are not taking your wellness seriously…you are ill! Incredibly ill. 

And a failure as a human being, completely, don’t you know?

Being well isn’t just feeling healthy and happy these days. It’s a full on business, complete with Kool-Aid sold to you at sometimes, exorbitant prices, with the goal of you being the most fit, green, and organic human being on the Earth. Forget keeping up with the Joneses; these days, it’s “out-rawing” your neighbor and making sure your home is so Feng Shui’d out that you are the most “well” person on the planet. These days it’s ensuring you can out “burpee” and bench press your fellow citizen and then brag that you haven’t ate a cooked piece of meat or used a skincare product with the word “paraben” on the label in order to know that indeed:

You. Are. Well!

Don’t get me wrong. I love running, the gym, ballet and eating healthy, but you won’t catch me going vegan or meditating every second. Although truth be told, a little meditation would be good for me! The fact is being well and healthy is very important but we can’t have a life coach for every move we make and we can’t squat and burpee our way down every single hallway and through every event in our life. We can’t always keep calm and Zen, mantra-ing our way through the day with a side of Yoga and essential oil. Sometimes, you need a little caffeine, curse words, chocolate and a complete meltdown on your couch.

Read More: The State of Wellness

A Little Caffeinated & A Little Zen, Too

Laura

7 Types of Moms You’ll Meet in Mom Group

In humor, motherhood on July 6, 2017 at 1:49 am

You’ve just had a baby or, finally, you’re deciding to mingle with mommies no matter how old your child is. So you decide to join a mom group. Because where else can you meet a large group of women in one shot who most likely have kids your age, live near you and are experiencing some of the same things you are as a mom?

Truly, joining a mom’s group when my daughter was a wee babe was a great way to get my nursing, post-C section butt out of the door and among other adult humans. It was a great experience for me that I cherish. But still, I’ve come to learn that in every mom’s group on earth, you are bound to meet these mommy types.

1. The Organic Band-Aid Mom

This mom wouldn’t put a drop of anything on her kid without guaranteeing that it was made from something organic and completely GMO-free, even if it meant losing her house to buy that most expensive and rare diaper cream made from only the purest of the purest (insert ingredient no one has ever heard about yet).

She’ll frown at your choice of just about everything and she’ll narrow her eyes upon hearing you used bug spray on your kid last year. She might even worry about your own personal grooming and health choices to such a degree that you can be guaranteed she’ll be emailing you “suggestions,” most of which you won’t be able to afford unless you get your baby or toddler to work in a third world sweatshop.

Read More: 7 Types of Moms You’ll Meet in Mom Group

No Organic Band-Aids Here…

Laura

7 Reasons You Should Give Zero F*cks If Your Kid Isn’t Potty Trained Yet

In humor, motherhood, parenthood on July 6, 2017 at 1:44 am

So your kid isn’t potty trained yet? To hell with you! What kind of mother are you anyway?

Kidding.

Really, everyone learns to use the bathroom in his or her own time and we all know there are some adults that still “miss” the toilet, so is this really a tragedy? Does it really matter if your kid pees in a pull-up or in the super special Star Wars undies you bought for them? The answer to all these is a resounding NO.

Here are just seven reasons you should care less if your kid still isn’t potty-trained:

1. They Won’t Wear a Diaper to the Prom

Eventually, your child will get it. He won’t be begging you to change his diaper or wipe his butt as he rides off with a girl who looks older than you and like she might have an R-rated Instagram account.

2. Underwear Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Really. Have you ever had your kid complain about a wedgie? Diapers are comfy, cushy and soft. Underwear rides up butts. You’ll just love when your kid pulls at their undies in public and another human laughs at your child—or worse—your kid insists these are the “worst underwear” ever.

Yes, that is an ACTUAL thing that children do to their parents in order to torture them. My daughter constantly tells me her undies are too tight or too loose. Meanwhile, they look perfectly fine to me. Argh!

Read More: 7 Reasons You Should Give Zero F*cks If Your Kid Isn’t Potty Trained Yet

Chillax,

Laura

8 Ways to Justify Living in Your Yoga Pants

In humor, motherhood on January 9, 2017 at 3:09 am

Yoga pants.

Some might say it’s the staple item of male excitement.

Some might say it’s the staple item of female fitness.

The majority of moms would say it’s the wardrobe necessity of choice.

Actually, make that THE wardrobe, period.

For all the teasing a mom’s partner will give her about her varied outfits of black yoga pants, black yoga pants, and black yoga pants, these partners don’t understand the pure vitality and life comfort a pair of yoga pants brings. The pure sight of clean yoga pants in a mother’s burgeoning clean laundry pile of is a sight almost as welcome as a child silently sleeping.

Almost.

So ladies, don’t let people’s negativity around your yoga pants ruin a perfectly great relationship. Think about it, is there any other relationship in which you receive such ease and comfort? Is there any other relationship in which you receive no stress or aggravation? Nope! Even your family cat or dog can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

So screw the haters, here are just eight reasons to justify all that yoga pant wearing (not that we need reasons…):

Read More: 8 Ways to Justify Living in Your Yoga Pants

DO IT!

Laura

How to Use Wine in the Bedroom

In humor, sex on December 12, 2016 at 3:27 am

You’ve met a very discerning man or a scintillating lady of taste. You’ve been on your very best behavior. You mentioned your stint in the Peace Corps twice and then once more because they were rustling their napkin the first time and chewing loudly the second. You dropped mention of all your charity works and in between describing all the joys you have brought to the less fortunate, you remembered to flash your abs, flex your arms, or push out your chest and bat your eyelids. The mating dance is officially complete, and it’s finally that time: the Sexy Time. 

But all your grad school accomplishments and your fancy office and your good deeds won’t get your new amour in bed quite like a great bottle of wine will. Here’s how to use wine in the bedroom:

Read More: How to Use Wine in the Bedroom

Va-va Voom!

Laura

How to Please Your Mother-in-Law in 5 Easy Steps

In humor, marriage, Uncategorized on November 11, 2016 at 1:53 am

You want your mother-in-law to like you but the chances of that happening are about, oh, one in a million, but you still have hope.

That’s OK, Mama. Everyone can have dreams. But just remember, you took her baby boy. Her pride and joy. Her reason for existing. Did you just experience a little heartburn upon reading that? Not surprising.

It’s hard to understand why your MIL can love the grandchildren you made, yet wish for your death simultaneously. Don’t try to understand it. You never will unless I suppose you have a son and even still, you want your son to grow up to be happy and loved, right?

Just accept that most likely, you will have to nail yourself to a cross in order for her to see how badly her behavior can sometimes make you suffer. Chances of you doing that are zero, so just realize she won’t change and instead do your best to painstakingly please this woman in order to survive being her “family.”

Read More: How to Please Your Mother-in-Law in 5 Easy Steps

She Hates You,

Laura

11 Awesome Things From Our Childhood That Our Kids Will Never Get To Do

In humor, motherhood, parenthood on November 3, 2016 at 12:41 am
Every generation of kids thinks they have it better/worse/easier or harder than the previous, but in my opinion, it’s not that easy to compare a whole generation of time and being to another. However, there are some awesome things that I got to do as a kid that my daughter will most likely never experience, and quite frankly, that stinks—for her!

1. Making Prank Calls

I’m not sorry in admitting I loved prank calling people. I was damn good at it, and it continued all the way up through college.

But with smartphone technology, sure you can block a number, but it’s much easier to get caught. And besides, kids today can tweet, Snapchat and Facebook each other a bunch of nonsense under fake profiles.

Still, there’s nothing quite like the thrill of live prank calling.

2. Playing MASH

Our kids will never know how awesome it is to discover your entire future on a piece of paper.

Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.

Single. Married. Divorce.

How many kids you had.

Read More: 11 Awesome Things From Our Childhood That Our Kids Will Never Get To Do

I Was Promised a Mansion,

Laura

These Are the 4 Stages of a Mom Meltdown

In humor, motherhood on October 27, 2016 at 7:04 pm

Look, it’s not only kids who go over the edge — it’s us mommies too. In fact, now that I mention it, our kids are the biggest reason we’re sometimes ready to blow our gaskets. That, and our partners. And lack of chocolate. Definitely lack of chocolate.

When we can’t keep our composure anymore and are about to bite off a bat’s head, you know that whoever caused us to lose it is in deep, deep trouble. Read through for the four stages of the Mom Meltdown, brought to you by whiny kids, PMS, too much laundry, another PTA fundraiser, and not being able to pee alone in private.

1. The “Is it Getting Hot in Here?” Stage

Your kid asked you for the 50th time if he could use the iPad.

Your partner complained about dinner and then decided to leave dirty clothes on the floor.

The cat puked on your new rug.

You are this close to crying and this close to taking the family dog and leaving for the night, but it’s OK. The cat puke is almost all the way out of the rug, you’re giving your partner the silent treatment, and you told your kid to take the darn iPad already. Your sanity is still intact . . . for now.

Read More: These Are the 4 Stages of a Mom Meltdown

Mommy Needs a Helper,

Laura

7 Things I Want to Say to Strangers During My Child’s Public Meltdown

In humor, motherhood, parenthood on October 24, 2016 at 1:35 am

Kids will meltdown and it will always happens at the worst moment, like when they’re meeting someone very important to you, or in public among a large crowd. I’m pretty certain that children time these tantrums appropriately to humiliate us to the largest possible degree.

And truthfully, it’s not your family or friends that care about their behavior so much—it’s total strangers who love to judge you for for every imperfect moment your child has to prove you’re a big fat failure as a mother.

Here are some things I would love to say to strangers as they burn holes into my soul, wishing me into dirt, for all of the bad things my kid has done in public:

1. “She’s just like her [insert other family member name here]”

When my daughter is having a “moment,” I would love to blame it on another family member, simply to relieve myself of those nasty beady stranger eyes, and also to jolt some nonsense into that nosy stranger!

Like, “Oh yeah lady, well she gets this awful habit from her INSERT FAMILY MEMBER NAME HERE—but definitely not me,” and then go on to pick my nose right in front of her.

Charming, right?

2. “If you think you can do a better job, here, she’s yours.”

When strangers be looking at you and your kid like you’re both spawns of Satan, I would love to tell them to try to beat my parenting game.

Read More:7 Things I Want to Say to Strangers During My Child’s Public Meltdown

Everyone is an Expert,

Laura