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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

8 Ways to Justify Living in Your Yoga Pants

In humor, motherhood on January 9, 2017 at 3:09 am

Yoga pants.

Some might say it’s the staple item of male excitement.

Some might say it’s the staple item of female fitness.

The majority of moms would say it’s the wardrobe necessity of choice.

Actually, make that THE wardrobe, period.

For all the teasing a mom’s partner will give her about her varied outfits of black yoga pants, black yoga pants, and black yoga pants, these partners don’t understand the pure vitality and life comfort a pair of yoga pants brings. The pure sight of clean yoga pants in a mother’s burgeoning clean laundry pile of is a sight almost as welcome as a child silently sleeping.

Almost.

So ladies, don’t let people’s negativity around your yoga pants ruin a perfectly great relationship. Think about it, is there any other relationship in which you receive such ease and comfort? Is there any other relationship in which you receive no stress or aggravation? Nope! Even your family cat or dog can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

So screw the haters, here are just eight reasons to justify all that yoga pant wearing (not that we need reasons…):

Read More: 8 Ways to Justify Living in Your Yoga Pants

DO IT!

Laura

How to Use Wine in the Bedroom

In humor, sex on December 12, 2016 at 3:27 am

You’ve met a very discerning man or a scintillating lady of taste. You’ve been on your very best behavior. You mentioned your stint in the Peace Corps twice and then once more because they were rustling their napkin the first time and chewing loudly the second. You dropped mention of all your charity works and in between describing all the joys you have brought to the less fortunate, you remembered to flash your abs, flex your arms, or push out your chest and bat your eyelids. The mating dance is officially complete, and it’s finally that time: the Sexy Time. 

But all your grad school accomplishments and your fancy office and your good deeds won’t get your new amour in bed quite like a great bottle of wine will. Here’s how to use wine in the bedroom:

Read More: How to Use Wine in the Bedroom

Va-va Voom!

Laura

How to Please Your Mother-in-Law in 5 Easy Steps

In humor, marriage, Uncategorized on November 11, 2016 at 1:53 am

You want your mother-in-law to like you but the chances of that happening are about, oh, one in a million, but you still have hope.

That’s OK, Mama. Everyone can have dreams. But just remember, you took her baby boy. Her pride and joy. Her reason for existing. Did you just experience a little heartburn upon reading that? Not surprising.

It’s hard to understand why your MIL can love the grandchildren you made, yet wish for your death simultaneously. Don’t try to understand it. You never will unless I suppose you have a son and even still, you want your son to grow up to be happy and loved, right?

Just accept that most likely, you will have to nail yourself to a cross in order for her to see how badly her behavior can sometimes make you suffer. Chances of you doing that are zero, so just realize she won’t change and instead do your best to painstakingly please this woman in order to survive being her “family.”

Read More: How to Please Your Mother-in-Law in 5 Easy Steps

She Hates You,

Laura

11 Awesome Things From Our Childhood That Our Kids Will Never Get To Do

In humor, motherhood, parenthood on November 3, 2016 at 12:41 am
Every generation of kids thinks they have it better/worse/easier or harder than the previous, but in my opinion, it’s not that easy to compare a whole generation of time and being to another. However, there are some awesome things that I got to do as a kid that my daughter will most likely never experience, and quite frankly, that stinks—for her!

1. Making Prank Calls

I’m not sorry in admitting I loved prank calling people. I was damn good at it, and it continued all the way up through college.

But with smartphone technology, sure you can block a number, but it’s much easier to get caught. And besides, kids today can tweet, Snapchat and Facebook each other a bunch of nonsense under fake profiles.

Still, there’s nothing quite like the thrill of live prank calling.

2. Playing MASH

Our kids will never know how awesome it is to discover your entire future on a piece of paper.

Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.

Single. Married. Divorce.

How many kids you had.

Read More: 11 Awesome Things From Our Childhood That Our Kids Will Never Get To Do

I Was Promised a Mansion,

Laura

These Are the 4 Stages of a Mom Meltdown

In humor, motherhood on October 27, 2016 at 7:04 pm

Look, it’s not only kids who go over the edge — it’s us mommies too. In fact, now that I mention it, our kids are the biggest reason we’re sometimes ready to blow our gaskets. That, and our partners. And lack of chocolate. Definitely lack of chocolate.

When we can’t keep our composure anymore and are about to bite off a bat’s head, you know that whoever caused us to lose it is in deep, deep trouble. Read through for the four stages of the Mom Meltdown, brought to you by whiny kids, PMS, too much laundry, another PTA fundraiser, and not being able to pee alone in private.

1. The “Is it Getting Hot in Here?” Stage

Your kid asked you for the 50th time if he could use the iPad.

Your partner complained about dinner and then decided to leave dirty clothes on the floor.

The cat puked on your new rug.

You are this close to crying and this close to taking the family dog and leaving for the night, but it’s OK. The cat puke is almost all the way out of the rug, you’re giving your partner the silent treatment, and you told your kid to take the darn iPad already. Your sanity is still intact . . . for now.

Read More: These Are the 4 Stages of a Mom Meltdown

Mommy Needs a Helper,

Laura

7 Things I Want to Say to Strangers During My Child’s Public Meltdown

In humor, motherhood, parenthood on October 24, 2016 at 1:35 am

Kids will meltdown and it will always happens at the worst moment, like when they’re meeting someone very important to you, or in public among a large crowd. I’m pretty certain that children time these tantrums appropriately to humiliate us to the largest possible degree.

And truthfully, it’s not your family or friends that care about their behavior so much—it’s total strangers who love to judge you for for every imperfect moment your child has to prove you’re a big fat failure as a mother.

Here are some things I would love to say to strangers as they burn holes into my soul, wishing me into dirt, for all of the bad things my kid has done in public:

1. “She’s just like her [insert other family member name here]”

When my daughter is having a “moment,” I would love to blame it on another family member, simply to relieve myself of those nasty beady stranger eyes, and also to jolt some nonsense into that nosy stranger!

Like, “Oh yeah lady, well she gets this awful habit from her INSERT FAMILY MEMBER NAME HERE—but definitely not me,” and then go on to pick my nose right in front of her.

Charming, right?

2. “If you think you can do a better job, here, she’s yours.”

When strangers be looking at you and your kid like you’re both spawns of Satan, I would love to tell them to try to beat my parenting game.

Read More:7 Things I Want to Say to Strangers During My Child’s Public Meltdown

Everyone is an Expert,

Laura

7 Things I Would Like to Do With Shopkins

In humor, motherhood on October 24, 2016 at 1:32 am

Do the possibilities end?

NO!

Lucky you, they never end. Season upon season upon season, these little hard plastic things that come with those little plastic bags never end. And much to your demise, those little Shopkins faces are so cute that your kids can’t get enough of them… ever.

Thanks to the clever manufacturer, there are so many things your kids can do with their Shopkins—none of which would go on my personal to-do list with Shopkins!

Here are some things I’d like to do with those little plastic toys from hell myself:

1. Throw them in a trash bag and leave them on my ex’s porch.

Want revenge? Why does it have to be hurtful? Why does it have to be a fist to the gut? Can’t it just be a bag full of Shopkins for someone else to collect, step on, poke oneself with, and find in sinks, toilets and bathtubs?

2. Make a trail with them and lead a kid to the ending.

Step 1: Take all your kid’s Shopkins.

Read More: 7 Things I Would Like to Do With Shopkins

Tampon Tara?

Laura

11 Things You Didn’t Know About Motherhood Before You Became a Mom

In humor on October 12, 2016 at 1:54 am

You read the baby books. You attended birthing class. You interviewed pediatricians. You were ready. Prepared. Set to be a mom! Until you became a mom and realized, you didn’t know jack sh*t about being a mother, now did you?

Nope. You were one clueless SOB.

And now you’re learning on the job. Enjoy those learning curves, ladies. They’re unflattering sometimes, aren’t they?

1. You will hate small toys.

You will step on small toys, like Legos. Legos are supposed to be fun. The reality is when you step on one, you cry like a little b*tch. No one told you Legos were a weapon of war.

Oh yes indeedy, they are!

Let’s not forget the burden of tiny, tiny, tiny toys. Like Shopkins. And all the utensils in the Barbie Dreamhouse.

The utensils in the Barbie Dreamhouse are worse than Barbie’s shoes.

Read More: 11 Things You Didn’t Know About Motherhood Before You Became a Mom

You Knew Jack S&*T,

Laura

 

8 Things Your Partner Will Do During Your Labor Instead of Being a Birth Coach

In humor, pregnancy on September 8, 2016 at 12:45 pm

Your partner is so excited about having a baby that, at times, you feel as if they could totally bypass your involvement in the whole baby-making matter, except for the whole labor part (minor detail). Then during the labor, your partner sounds like a sportscaster and posts photos and updates to Facebook the entire time you writhe in pain. You were sort of hoping for a little help with those deep breaths and pushes . . . but sometimes you have to take what you can get.

Read through for eight things your partner will probably do instead of strictly being your birth coach while you’re in labor.

1. Be a sportscaster.

Your partner is probably going to be on their phone texting the play-by-play of your labor: OK folks, she’s about 3 centimeters dilated. Doctor thinks things are progressing well. But suddenly (fumble!) labor slows down. Doc says we may have to take next steps.

You’re probably going to sit there waiting for them to come do all that fun breathing and supportive stuff you saw in the birth class videos, but instead, it’s more like a round table of NFL chat.

Read More: 8 Things Your Partner Will Do During Your Labor Instead of Being a Birth Coach

Can’t Help Him/Herself,

Laura

11 Things Your Child Does to Drive You Crazy Each and Every Day

In humor, motherhood, parenthood on July 31, 2016 at 2:06 am

Kids. They say and do the DAMNDEST things. Most of which of course, are done intentionally to drive moms nuts. Some of it of course isn’t intentional, but just part of our kids’ DNA to make us batty. Our kids are born beautiful for a reason: this way we moms remember that even when they push us to the limits of wanting a padded room and restraints, we will still love them and not eat them alive like certain animal mothers who devour their young. In fact, we probably drive our own kids just as crazy. It wouldn’t be as much fun if we didn’t, would it?

1. Make Us Suffer Insufferable Cartoons

If I have to watch “Littlest Pet Shop” one more time, I might start bleeding cats and dogs! It’s actually one of the better and cuter shows though, if a bit pointless. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse made me want to drive my car into a pole, mostly because of Mickey and Minnie’s voice. It’s also the most inane show ever. The learning lessons about shapes and such seemed so blase. Let’s not forget the “Hot Dog” dance.

Then again, Calliou will make you regret motherhood. Well, at least for a few minutes.

Read More: 11 Things Your Child Does to Drive You Crazy Each and Every Day

But We Love Them,

Laura