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Archive for the ‘motherhood’ Category

7 Types of Moms You’ll Meet in Mom Group

In humor, motherhood on July 6, 2017 at 1:49 am

You’ve just had a baby or, finally, you’re deciding to mingle with mommies no matter how old your child is. So you decide to join a mom group. Because where else can you meet a large group of women in one shot who most likely have kids your age, live near you and are experiencing some of the same things you are as a mom?

Truly, joining a mom’s group when my daughter was a wee babe was a great way to get my nursing, post-C section butt out of the door and among other adult humans. It was a great experience for me that I cherish. But still, I’ve come to learn that in every mom’s group on earth, you are bound to meet these mommy types.

1. The Organic Band-Aid Mom

This mom wouldn’t put a drop of anything on her kid without guaranteeing that it was made from something organic and completely GMO-free, even if it meant losing her house to buy that most expensive and rare diaper cream made from only the purest of the purest (insert ingredient no one has ever heard about yet).

She’ll frown at your choice of just about everything and she’ll narrow her eyes upon hearing you used bug spray on your kid last year. She might even worry about your own personal grooming and health choices to such a degree that you can be guaranteed she’ll be emailing you “suggestions,” most of which you won’t be able to afford unless you get your baby or toddler to work in a third world sweatshop.

Read More: 7 Types of Moms You’ll Meet in Mom Group

No Organic Band-Aids Here…

Laura

7 Reasons You Should Give Zero F*cks If Your Kid Isn’t Potty Trained Yet

In humor, motherhood, parenthood on July 6, 2017 at 1:44 am

So your kid isn’t potty trained yet? To hell with you! What kind of mother are you anyway?

Kidding.

Really, everyone learns to use the bathroom in his or her own time and we all know there are some adults that still “miss” the toilet, so is this really a tragedy? Does it really matter if your kid pees in a pull-up or in the super special Star Wars undies you bought for them? The answer to all these is a resounding NO.

Here are just seven reasons you should care less if your kid still isn’t potty-trained:

1. They Won’t Wear a Diaper to the Prom

Eventually, your child will get it. He won’t be begging you to change his diaper or wipe his butt as he rides off with a girl who looks older than you and like she might have an R-rated Instagram account.

2. Underwear Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Really. Have you ever had your kid complain about a wedgie? Diapers are comfy, cushy and soft. Underwear rides up butts. You’ll just love when your kid pulls at their undies in public and another human laughs at your child—or worse—your kid insists these are the “worst underwear” ever.

Yes, that is an ACTUAL thing that children do to their parents in order to torture them. My daughter constantly tells me her undies are too tight or too loose. Meanwhile, they look perfectly fine to me. Argh!

Read More: 7 Reasons You Should Give Zero F*cks If Your Kid Isn’t Potty Trained Yet

Chillax,

Laura

5 Ways Sex Makes You a Better Mom and Employee

In career, motherhood, sex, working mom life on January 30, 2017 at 8:54 pm

Listen up, girlfriends: All those times you’ve been saying you’ve got a headache is secretly jeopardizing your home and employment life. Having more sex makes you a better employee—and mother! No, really. The more times you hop in the sack, the more likely you are to hit a home run at work and with the kiddos. Here’s why:

1. You’ll Get Better Sleep

Having sex helps you get better sleep—something we could all use. As you bond with your partner, your body secretes the hormone oxytocin, often called “the love hormone.” That’s also the same hormone responsible for bonding with your baby, especially when nursing. Thanks to oxytocin, your body will be more relaxed, so you’ll be less stressed, leading to better sleep for you, mama.

And with better sleep comes a brighter morning handling a bunch of kids before running off to work and kicking serious butt in the office. So say yes next time your significant other wants to get frisky. Maybe you’ll get a raise, too!

 

Read More: 5 Ways Sex Makes You a Better Mom and Employee

Do It Tonight,

Laura

8 Ways to Justify Living in Your Yoga Pants

In humor, motherhood on January 9, 2017 at 3:09 am

Yoga pants.

Some might say it’s the staple item of male excitement.

Some might say it’s the staple item of female fitness.

The majority of moms would say it’s the wardrobe necessity of choice.

Actually, make that THE wardrobe, period.

For all the teasing a mom’s partner will give her about her varied outfits of black yoga pants, black yoga pants, and black yoga pants, these partners don’t understand the pure vitality and life comfort a pair of yoga pants brings. The pure sight of clean yoga pants in a mother’s burgeoning clean laundry pile of is a sight almost as welcome as a child silently sleeping.

Almost.

So ladies, don’t let people’s negativity around your yoga pants ruin a perfectly great relationship. Think about it, is there any other relationship in which you receive such ease and comfort? Is there any other relationship in which you receive no stress or aggravation? Nope! Even your family cat or dog can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

So screw the haters, here are just eight reasons to justify all that yoga pant wearing (not that we need reasons…):

Read More: 8 Ways to Justify Living in Your Yoga Pants

DO IT!

Laura

11 Awesome Things From Our Childhood That Our Kids Will Never Get To Do

In humor, motherhood, parenthood on November 3, 2016 at 12:41 am
Every generation of kids thinks they have it better/worse/easier or harder than the previous, but in my opinion, it’s not that easy to compare a whole generation of time and being to another. However, there are some awesome things that I got to do as a kid that my daughter will most likely never experience, and quite frankly, that stinks—for her!

1. Making Prank Calls

I’m not sorry in admitting I loved prank calling people. I was damn good at it, and it continued all the way up through college.

But with smartphone technology, sure you can block a number, but it’s much easier to get caught. And besides, kids today can tweet, Snapchat and Facebook each other a bunch of nonsense under fake profiles.

Still, there’s nothing quite like the thrill of live prank calling.

2. Playing MASH

Our kids will never know how awesome it is to discover your entire future on a piece of paper.

Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.

Single. Married. Divorce.

How many kids you had.

Read More: 11 Awesome Things From Our Childhood That Our Kids Will Never Get To Do

I Was Promised a Mansion,

Laura

These Are the 4 Stages of a Mom Meltdown

In humor, motherhood on October 27, 2016 at 7:04 pm

Look, it’s not only kids who go over the edge — it’s us mommies too. In fact, now that I mention it, our kids are the biggest reason we’re sometimes ready to blow our gaskets. That, and our partners. And lack of chocolate. Definitely lack of chocolate.

When we can’t keep our composure anymore and are about to bite off a bat’s head, you know that whoever caused us to lose it is in deep, deep trouble. Read through for the four stages of the Mom Meltdown, brought to you by whiny kids, PMS, too much laundry, another PTA fundraiser, and not being able to pee alone in private.

1. The “Is it Getting Hot in Here?” Stage

Your kid asked you for the 50th time if he could use the iPad.

Your partner complained about dinner and then decided to leave dirty clothes on the floor.

The cat puked on your new rug.

You are this close to crying and this close to taking the family dog and leaving for the night, but it’s OK. The cat puke is almost all the way out of the rug, you’re giving your partner the silent treatment, and you told your kid to take the darn iPad already. Your sanity is still intact . . . for now.

Read More: These Are the 4 Stages of a Mom Meltdown

Mommy Needs a Helper,

Laura

10 Myths, Pros and Cons of Being a Breadwinning Mom

In career, marriage, motherhood on October 24, 2016 at 1:56 am

Did you know that breadwinning moms make up some 40 percent of all U.S. households’ major (or equal with partner) earners? That’s according to a 2013 Pew study, and we hear that the number has risen since then. Yep—that’s a lot of us working moms!

Even so, there are myths and stereotypes that still surround breadwinning moms, like these:
She emasculates her husband with her success.
She’s too concerned with her career.
She’s bound for divorce with her success.

But beyond these less-than-flattering and less-than-truthful attributions are the positives that we know, like the fact that commanding a good salary and supporting your family is a wonderful and empowering scenario. The reality is that today there are many pluses to being a breadwinning mom that go beyond making the sole or larger paycheck—in or a marriage or not.

Here, a family and relationship expert—and real-life breadwinning mom—helps us dismantle the falsehoods and promote the truths of this way of life.

1. Myth: A breadwinning mom’s success wrecks her marriage or relationship.

The idea that heterosexual breadwinning moms are ruining their relationships with their career/financial status is a modern-day myth, asserts Stephanie Coontz, author of the award-winning A Strange Stirring: The Feminine Mystique and American Women at the Dawn of the 1960sand director of research at the Council on Contemporary Families. “It used to be true that couples where a women earned more than her husband faced a higher risk of divorce. But for marriages formed in the 1990s and later, that is no longer true.” Take that, myth! But …

Read More: 10 Myths, Pros and Cons of Being a Breadwinning Mom

Times Are a Changin’

Laura

7 Things I Want to Say to Strangers During My Child’s Public Meltdown

In humor, motherhood, parenthood on October 24, 2016 at 1:35 am

Kids will meltdown and it will always happens at the worst moment, like when they’re meeting someone very important to you, or in public among a large crowd. I’m pretty certain that children time these tantrums appropriately to humiliate us to the largest possible degree.

And truthfully, it’s not your family or friends that care about their behavior so much—it’s total strangers who love to judge you for for every imperfect moment your child has to prove you’re a big fat failure as a mother.

Here are some things I would love to say to strangers as they burn holes into my soul, wishing me into dirt, for all of the bad things my kid has done in public:

1. “She’s just like her [insert other family member name here]”

When my daughter is having a “moment,” I would love to blame it on another family member, simply to relieve myself of those nasty beady stranger eyes, and also to jolt some nonsense into that nosy stranger!

Like, “Oh yeah lady, well she gets this awful habit from her INSERT FAMILY MEMBER NAME HERE—but definitely not me,” and then go on to pick my nose right in front of her.

Charming, right?

2. “If you think you can do a better job, here, she’s yours.”

When strangers be looking at you and your kid like you’re both spawns of Satan, I would love to tell them to try to beat my parenting game.

Read More:7 Things I Want to Say to Strangers During My Child’s Public Meltdown

Everyone is an Expert,

Laura

7 Things I Would Like to Do With Shopkins

In humor, motherhood on October 24, 2016 at 1:32 am

Do the possibilities end?

NO!

Lucky you, they never end. Season upon season upon season, these little hard plastic things that come with those little plastic bags never end. And much to your demise, those little Shopkins faces are so cute that your kids can’t get enough of them… ever.

Thanks to the clever manufacturer, there are so many things your kids can do with their Shopkins—none of which would go on my personal to-do list with Shopkins!

Here are some things I’d like to do with those little plastic toys from hell myself:

1. Throw them in a trash bag and leave them on my ex’s porch.

Want revenge? Why does it have to be hurtful? Why does it have to be a fist to the gut? Can’t it just be a bag full of Shopkins for someone else to collect, step on, poke oneself with, and find in sinks, toilets and bathtubs?

2. Make a trail with them and lead a kid to the ending.

Step 1: Take all your kid’s Shopkins.

Read More: 7 Things I Would Like to Do With Shopkins

Tampon Tara?

Laura

7 Ways to Handle the Know-It-All Mom of the Group

In motherhood on October 18, 2016 at 1:08 am

You think you have something to offer during a conversation among moms with your own parenting experience, when BAM!, the “Mom Who Knows It All” (hereby known as the MWKA) strikes. She’s got the answer to every problem or her two cents to add in about everything, which she clearly feels is more valuable than what you have to say as she either discredits your input or talks right over you in the process.

It’s easy to get angry at MWKA, but there’s one important thing to remember before you get red in the face.

The MWKA is insecure. She has to say what she does is the “best way” because deep down inside she’s either afraid she’s completely messing up or because she wants people to value her and like her. By adding her opinion in — even if she discredits yours — she thinks this will make her seem valuable and well-liked. She’s not trying (well, in many cases) to be rude to you even if she is; instead, she’s trying to become or seem important.

Keeping this information in mind, here are seven tips for dealing with the MWKA.

Read More: 7 Ways to Handle the Know-It-All Mom of the Group

Let it Fly,

Laura