How to Piss Off People With Your Parenting

For some reason, the whole world loves to comment on parents. We’re never doing a “good enough job” or somehow, we made a mistake and crap — didn’t we all know we aren’t supposed to make mistakes?! Especially mothers.

They rake mothers against the coals and by “they” I mean, the public. Gorilla incident anyone?

So instead of trying to deny our parenthood or apologize every single damn time our kids make a noise or a scene in public because, you know kids are supposed to be seen and not heard, why not piss people off more, with our parenting? This is, apparently, the early 19th century or so and kids aren’t supposed to be kids. They’re supposed to be silent, mature adults and moms and dads are supposed to be perfect parents, 24/7. Since that’s not possible and we know that because we are moms, let’s show the public how it’s done:

Read More: How to Piss Off People With Your Parenting

Make Them Mad,

Laura

5 Reasons Being a Mom Makes You Sexier

The whole “MILF” thing is really unnecessary. I mean, everyone knows that moms are sexy, 24/7. We don’t need a special title of “MILF” or “Cougar Mom” to embrace our sexiness. There are so many reasons that motherhood just immediately makes you one sexy mutha f*cker, in the words of the late, great Prince.

Buckle up, sexy momma! Let’s discuss some reasons being “mother” to one or many makes you so darn hot!

1. Nothing Like a Squirt

Squirting breast milk everywhere like a fountain? Leaking when you hear babies cry? Rock-hard breasts that feel like boulders on your sternum? Oh yes, porn stars everywhere are jealous of the nursing mom or the mom whose milk has finally come in. There’s nothing sexier than that! Truly. Now, is that a statement piece you’re wearing, or did you leak again?

Read More: 5 Reasons Being a Mom Makes You Sexier

Squirting & Spit-Up,

Laura

What Men Want, According to Online Dating

I’m trying this online dating thing. You see, I’m late 30s and almost officially divorced. As a single mom, I don’t have much options meeting men and when I do go out, guys in their mid-20s flock to me. It’s sweet but not really practical.

So here I am, finally splashing in the big kid pool called dating. I wasn’t sure what men wanted at my age. I mean, I had been monogamous for years and so I didn’t know what to expect. I signed up for a few sites, and low and behold, I have learned a few things about what men want, according to online dating. I thought it would be conversation, company, and maybe sex.
Turns out it’s not exactly what I had expected.

Read More on HuffPost Comedy: What Men Want, According to Online Dating

Yard Work is for the Birds,

Laura

8 Ways to Be Your Therapist’s Favorite Patient

So you’re in therapy and secretly or not-so secretly, you have taken your therapist on as a second mom or dad. Your therapist’s advice is peppered throughout your conversations with friends like,
“Well my therapist said this…” or “Well my therapist really feels…” or “I asked my therapist about that and he/she…”

Suddenly, you and your therapist are one. Well, you’re just slightly obsessed with his or her advice and kind of use this person as your mental life jacket, but the most important thing in all of this is:

Does your therapist like you? Does he/she like you more than the other patients?

No one likes to be number 2!

Here are 8 ways to be your therapist’s favorite patient. That’s right, number 1 baby!

Read More: 8 Ways to Be Your Therapist’s Favorite Patient

Number 1,

Laura

12 Things Only People With Anxiety Can Teach You About Life

Your anxious friends can teach you a LOT.
Dealing with anxiety can make life difficult. I sometimes feel as if my anxiety takes over the control center in my brain and puts me in the backseat.

I may not even realize it, but anxiety can fuel a response, reaction, or behavior. It’s not until a few seconds, minutes, or hours later that I realize: anxiety got me. Again.

For example, I was worried about a potential health issue and the worrying took on such a life of its own that I actually started to make my stomach sick and head ache. Once I realized this was happening, I did my best to breathe deep and tell myself to relax.
Except, I had to continually do this to keep myself calm because sometimes, managing anxiety is a job.

Read More: 12 Things Only People With Anxiety Can Teach You About Life

Obsessively Worrying,

Laura

How Much of a Man Are You? ’80s Hair Metal Explains It All

These days men can’t just be stone-crushing, elephant-lifting, six-pack having babe magnets. Now you have to have an amazing job, 401K, be a great father, and manscape. It’s not easy anymore. The days of good looks and pure muscle strength are over, boys. It’s the big time now.

But how does one truly know how much of a man he is?

Well boys, it depends on what kind of hair metal you blasted out of your Trans Am, Yugo, Mustang, or Vette back in the ’80s…

Yes, that’s the real deciding factor.

Read More: How Much of a Man Are You? ’80s Hair Metal Explains It All

Break Out the Aqua Net Boys,

Laura

The Three Stages of Depression, as Defined by Pathetic 80’s Love Ballads

If you’ve ever been depressed and had someone ask how you feel, after a while it gets boring just saying, “I’m depressed … still.” or “I’m depressed … yet again.”

How does one quantify the depths of his or her depression in an adequate way? It’s not like you’re at the hospital with the pain chart that says “1-10” with varying degrees of sad or painful faces.

Instead of pondering how to truly express your heartache and sadness, I have made this terrific chart on how to explain your level of misery using pathetic 80’s love ballads. Plug in, tune out, and cry like a little b*tch as much as you want. Now your friends and family can truly understand the depths of your doom and gloom.

Read More: The Three Stages of Depression, as Defined by Pathetic 80’s Love Ballads

Take A Look At Me Now,

Laura

The Rough Road of the Memoir

I just wrote 3 additional pages to my memoir tonight. I am close to finally finishing my baby, and I have been working on this for a long time.

People wonder why it takes so long, yet this isn’t fiction. I am not dealing with characters from my mind or imagination. If I were, I could treat them with a different perspective and emotional stance, but since I am writing my own story, it is a whole different ball game.

Tonight I was working on a section that covered a sad and dark time in my life, and after three pages, I just couldn’t keep going for the night. It is not always fun to write about these things so honestly, yet I feel in order for the book to be authentic and worthwhile in a literary fashion, I have to be distant enough to provide a perspective that I didn’t have while in the actual situation. And even though I am more than distant from the scenario I wrote about, since I am having a bad day, I find it hard to face the page for extended periods of time.

One of the things I love about doing comedy is that I can take dark moments and make light (er) of them. It is a refreshing break for me, and provides me with a different medium in which to be artistic. It also makes me happy, usually, although I sometimes find the atmosphere of comedy to not be so awesome.

Writing a book however, is such a mentally and emotionally fulfilling project, but it is one that takes time.

You need to have space from yourself in order to craft a memoir that can really bring depth, humor, and honesty, in my opinion.  From the first day I started until now, I can tell you that I have finally learned what the real heart of the book is, and where the meat of my story is. If someone asked me years ago to write a book jacket for my upcoming memoir, I would have panicked. Now that I have spent  a great deal of time writing this book along with more time and perspective, that book jacket doesn’t seem so daunting.

I know the story so intimately not only because it is my own, but because I have spent so much time crafting it, that I know what is it that needs to be told, and for the most part, what doesn’t.

But on days when I am feeling sad or doubtful, it is hard to face the page with the same expertise and skill that I normally have.

This project has been such a big deal to me, and I cannot wait to have it published, and it will be.

There is no try, only do.

My identity through the eyes of men: Female Otherness

As a woman who grew up in a predominately female household, I didn’t learn that we were inferior or incapable of doing things that society indicated was otherwise.

But as I left my home and became integrated into society–school,  work, college, etc, I learned differently.

To admit this is maybe weak but, for a long majority of my life I have defined myself by Men. By their standards, judgments, and beliefs about me. Or about my otherness in relation to them. My wanting access to the circle that only men belong to. Forget about the glass ceiling. I didn’t want to be the most successful female. I wanted to be the most successful person, period. I wanted the men to lay in their tears while I threw tissues to them on the ground, walking away in triumph.

One thing I have hated since I was as  young as seven years old, was the feeling that the male circle was impenetrable. I hated when boys gathered to talk and gossip or dominated classroom conversations. I wasn’t considering that these little men might just want to be around other little men, but that because I was female I couldn’t join in. It didn’t matter that I was smarter than most of them or as equal to them, or that the same jokes they liked, I did too. I just had to merely squeak by the circle, and lean in to hear what these XY’s were saying.

Then I got older, and then the circle got even tighter. When I was younger, an occasional boy would let me in, and even let me play sports with the kids on the block. As I got older though, the message was clear: If you don’t have a cock,  keep out. Having good looks occasionally meant entering into the circle, but usually then for other reasons such as, one man or a few men’s sexual needs. Maybe one or two might have found me clever and smart. Most were not considering me beyond what my appearance had to offer.

I imagine my experience is no different than many other women, however the thoughts, rejections, and acceptances from men really whittled me down. For the majority of my  early twenties, I found male attention and approval intoxicating on the level of addicting, and their rejection, painful and harsh.

When I entered stand-up, I found men to be either wonderful and helpful, or absolute toxic creatures who liked to shut me out of conversations with not just looks, but with words. Telling me I wasn’t smart  and wasn’t funny. These were the same men of course, who wanted to sleep with me.

Let’s not let the cute one succeed. Instead, let’s take her for all of her good parts, and throw the rest of her to the wolves.

The one moment of fresh air came when I entered college. While my former educational experiences taught me that the boys are more cherished and nurtured intellectually, college was a bit more fair and egalitarian. I felt like my intellect and potential mattered.

There have been many times in my life pre-30’s in which I let men decide where I would be allowed to go both personally, and professionally. I cowed to their toxic comments. I backed away at times when I wanted to be treated as an intellectual and artistic equal, yet I always had a bit of a fight in me, like a scrappy dog who refuses to get beaten down by a shinier, larger full-breed.  The same girl who wanted to beat every boy competitively, not physically, in elementary school has always been alive and well.

After spending a long time–years–working on my memoir, I realize that claiming my identity and refusing to let it be defined by anyone, especially men was my big hurdle to cross.

After six years departing from comedy, I went back last night. I went back because I will not let men tell me what I can do or who I can be. I am not 25 anymore. I am not someone’s plaything or some stupid blonde.

I am me, and after taking the time to do other important things–reproduce, finish college, get my head together–I decided I wanted to share my story in more than just the printed word again, and I won’t shut up until someone enjoys me. Until someone figures out that my story is much like many other women and people.

And if anyone doesn’t like it, F-off.

I am woman. Hear me roar.

Now? The 30’s have told me