The 4 Real Stages of the Crazy Woman, I mean, Menstrual Cycle; Be afraid. Be Very Afraid!

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Look, there are plenty of sane women. There are also women who don’t PMS. Women who do charity work. Who wear chastity belts.

Who are saints.

Then there are the rest of us.

And since women are crazy because men are sometimes, ahem, stupid, I thought I would delineate the stages of the menstrual cycle for the lazyman, I mean, the layman.

#1 All is well

Let’s call this day 1 of the cycle. Period is done.

The woman is happy. Her vagina is free of tampons, and her crotch is free of maxi pads. There’s nothing going down down there, and praise be! That’s all we ask. A  little peace and quiet in the netherlands of our “netherlands.”

Our skin is clear. Our boobs aren’t sore. And we haven’t ate everyone out of the house or held up a CVS or Duane Reade at gunpoint for Peanut Butter cups.

Not yet at least.

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Excuse me. I think I just had an orgasm. What was I saying?

Oh yeah. stage #2

#2 High-energy

Right before ovulation, things start to get cooking. We’re peppy, and hey guys, we even like you. We might ask you to go steady, or to fu*k off, but chances are we will be nice if we tell you to go south. We exercise, command attention, and are super-efficient. Life is better than good–it’s awesome.

#3 A Love Bomb is about to Drop

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This is right at ovulation or a 1-3 days before.

We. Are. Horny. Very.

This is the time to make babies, or make peace, depending on bad you pissed off your lady. This is the peak opportune time to ask her to do something naughty in bed.

Some women may speak in tongues during orgasms. Others may just simply make you agree to spend loads of money you didn’t really want to, but you don’t care. You got some. We like you. We want you around, and we make your life easy.

Our skin may break out–damn, that sucks—but otherwise, we are symptom free, minus a few cramps indicating that “Damn son, an egg is about to drop!”

If you don’t want a baby, watch out!

#4 Run For Cover, or Prepare for potential Death

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This is right before our period…the stage called PMS, and the actual PERIOD. Yup, blood and all.

We become bloated. Some of us have sore boobs. We may cramp. We may break out as if we are a goddamned teenager again. We may eat you out of the house. We may decide to hold up 7-11 for a slushie and a chocolate bar, forgetting we’ve got the cash to pay for it in our wallets. Besides, we didn’t ask to go through this. Nature gave us this crap. We deserve whatever we want.

Men, you will do EVERYTHING wrong, unless you aren’t stupid, and we will hate your clothes, words, face, soul, job, mother, and heart.

We will cry when you forget the DVR the Golden GIrls because don’t you know it, it was the episode in which Sophia was in the hospital. Damn you!

We will get mad when you forget (see a theme here?) what our confirmation/Hebrew name is! You terrible pathetic jerkoff! How dare you forget my confirmation name that goes like: Mary Margaret Theresa Marie.

How dare you get it in the wrong order?

Watch as your precious items are burned.

Football, unless she’s a fan, will be banned.

If you even whisper, “Touchdown,” prepare for your death.

Right until when it is all over, and we’re back to stage 1.

The impressions in this blog are of the author, a sane and smart woman. Well, one of those is true.

If you are an angel all month long, please ignore this.

If you love getting your period, screw you.

If you don’t understand this is humor, you are stupid.

Love,

Me

**images by Photobucket

Men are Simple.

Lately I see a lot of women in my life questioning the men in their lives, and often with good cause. Men say women are complicated, and dare I say it, I agree, although we must be careful to not pigeonhole people by gender. Some women are simple and some men are complicated dudes We women are socialized to be so nice and polite, yet when our feelings conflict with these socialized norms, we experience conflict, and don’t often say what we think.

Consider the common phrases like “Whatever,” or ” It doesn’t matter,” when you can damn well tell that it sure as hell does matter. I know many women who are sometimes afraid to say what they think, so there is a disconnect between action and emotion that men then have to interpret. They tell you, “whatever,” when what they really mean is, “I am so upset right now!” There are a billion Facebook memes about this female communication strategy that rarely works, if you ask me, but then again, I am a direct woman. Ask and you shall receive the blatant truth.

Men–in my experience and of course, not all men will fall into this category as we are all individuals with varied characteristics,–are simple folk.

I see friends and family–and myself at times, questioning male behavior, but to me, the basic primitive communication skills of the average male is pretty cut and dry.

So instead of paying the big bucks to read some book about men, here are my general tips. You can thank me later or send me money…or a cleaning guy who also strips. That would certainly be handy.

1- If he likes you, he will call you. Or text you.

Men hunt for what they want. If they want you, they will contact you. They want to secure their desired object.

Moral of story? If he doesn’t contact you, he doesn’t like you.

Exception: if he only contacts you late at night when he is drunk, he only likes your vagina.

2- He is not being coy. He isn’t into you.

If a guy says it is over or he doesn’t want a relationship than there is no way you will convince him otherwise. It doesn’t matter if you have five vaginas, or twenty hands. It’s done or it wasn’t about to begin in the first place.  He isn’t struggling to express himself woman, he told you exactly what he means.

The caveman was simple and direct. If he says it, he probably means it.

Exception: if he is mentally ill, he may want a relationship with you still, but be wary of a dude on heavy meds.

3-Guys solve problems.

Guys like to solve problems. Listening to you ramble about a fight with your girlfriend is not exactly a fun time for an XY. He likes to solve problems rather than commiserate over them. Accept this and you will learn to appreciate the various solutions a gentleman will offer you. It’s a sign of care that he wants to help, even if you want him to shut up and listen.

4- Men are visual–mostly.

When a man is confused, draw a picture. If he is mad at you, wear something x-rated. Plead your case well, but do it in a visual manner.

Exception: if he is color blind, watch the color choices in your “attire.” If he is blind, don’t draw him a picture. Scream in his ear.

5- I have no freaking clue about men. I wrote this list up to prove how little I know about men. Men of the world are all laughing at me and my diatribes. I have now led women to destruction, and no one will ever date or love or marry again.

Whatever. It doesn’t matter anyway.

Are you going to always be this way? I love you, but change.

It’s the same old song and dance. You get married or you get into a partnership/relationship of sorts, and as time wears on, there’s often this one statement that pops to the surface:

“I don’t like X or Y about you…I thought you would be different…”

“I wish you could change…I love you but, X, Y, or Z is driving me nuts…”

Sometimes, the person wants you to change something small that is possible for you to do, and at other times, someone might ask you to change something about yourself that is inextricably linked to your personhood, and impossible to be divorced from.

Or maybe you are the culprit. Maybe you want your partner to change something that is impossible for him or her to change.

Broadway shows, self-help books, and tons of comedians have deal with this topic: I love you, now change, Bitch.

It’s almost as if the things we once found attractive about someone become offensive and scalding to our sensibilities. Or our partner starts to become so skeeved out by the things she once really liked about you. Maybe it’s because opposites attract…to a point. At some point maybe they simply just repel? Maybe opposites work until the orgasms stop coming so quickly, or when things get stressful? Does this mean opposites can’t work? No, I’m not saying that, but the question is: why do people start to want their partners to be different? Why do we expect or ask others to change? Why are we suddenly bothered by something in our lovers that didn’t bother us before?

I suspect that this desire isn’t that you didn’t love or don’t love the person per se, but maybe we change…and as we change and grow, our needs from a person changes, and therefore what we once found cute/sexy/attractive becomes no longer attractive anymore. Suddenly we need something different. Well isn’t that a bitch, because you choose someone based on who he or she was when you met that person.

Example: If your husband is a sullen guy and you were into sullen because it was during your emo stage, well don’t be pissed that he’s still crying into napkins and you’re over emo and into something else. Now you want a funny guy. Well guess what Ex-Emo chick? You picked sullen dude. He can’t change. Sure, he might be able to crack a smile or attempt a knock-knock joke, but don’t expect him to be Happy Dude. He’s sullen guy.

Or perhaps your wife was a loudmouth when you met her. Perhaps she was a big loudmouth who liked going out and partying. Don’t expect loudmouth party chick to all of a sudden become the Martha Stewart your mother has been hoping for all these years.

The fact is, relationships are so hard because we change as individuals over time, and all you can do is hope that both partners grow at a suitable or similar pace to each other, towards each other.

Maybe you want religion in  your life and you started out in your relationship as an atheist. Maybe you were a sexually shy and permissive type and as you got older, you came into your own and now you want more of a variety from your partner. Maybe your partner was a quiet type who often let you lead things/plans/life, and now he or she has grown more confident and wants you to hold back while he or she lets rip.

There are so many different scenarios that follow couples on this journey through life that it makes monogamy, marriage, and coupledom so very hard. The traits you once loved from someone as your partner may not be the same traits you like when that person becomes a parent with you…shares bills with you…and daily bullshit with you. Everything is romantic when it ends either at midnight or the next morning as you do the walk of shame home. Nothing is romantic when it is in the morning, on weekends, at night, and all day, every day. It is work. It is a job, and if you don’t like this particular job, it’s one you ought to quit before everyone is miserable.

I think it’s also easy for us to assume that our partner would just change if he or she loved us enough, but that’s bullshit too. When I think of who I am as a person now and reflect upon who I was at age 6, guess what? There are a lot of similarities. I’m still outspoken, sweet, and friendly. I don’t wet my bed anymore, and I have grown more anxious over time, however, that core individual still exists. I will always be sensitive. I will always be outgoing. This doesn’t mean that there aren’t things I can change about myself, but that I have accepted that there are some things that won’t budge.

When it comes down to core personality traits, your partner will not change. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Sullen Dude will not become Happy Dude unless Sullen Dude has been depressed for a particular reason or just temporarily been sad. If he has always been sullen and subdued, this will not change.

If you want someone to kick a bad habit, work on compromising more, listen more attentively, or try to pick up after him or herself, you can probably find success, but if you want someone who is different than the person you signed up for, you need to leave.

Life’s little BS’s change us as well. Happy Dude may become Sullen Guy after losing a job…or experiencing a loss in the family. This is temporary and can be worked through. This stuff happens constantly in relationships. It’s a never ending cycle of life’s up’s and down’s…it’s not the romantic passion you watch on television. Getting someone through a rough period is worth it and mandatory if you want to be in a committed relationship. Expecting a guy who has refused treatment for his depression is whole life…is not something to be worked through. That’s something that won’t change until he wants it to.

My message is simply, if you are unhappy and want your partner to change, ask yourself if this is a trait or situation that has always been true for your partner, or is just a temporary state? Is this a lifelong trait, or a bad habit? How eager is the person to change? Am I asking too much? And then, look at yourself.

Are you happy with yourself? Is there some thing or things you need to change? Why do you need your partner to be different now? What are your “new” needs?

These are all some of the questions to ask yourself before expecting the person you’re in bed with to metamorphis into something else.

Remember folks, Disney is a fantasy. Prince Charming might have one ball, no college education, and a stubborn streak…Cinderella might not be a virgin, a good cook, and a vicious tendency to throw things.

Life is messy.

 

The Definition of Mother: a reality check.

Everyone has his or her own ideas about what it means to be a mother, or what it feels like to be a mother.

Some think it means being at home, making cookies, cleaning the house, and making blanket forts.

Others think it means teaching at home, working somewhere else, and doing laundry in between chasing a naughty toddler around.

Some thinks it means doing what you can to pay the bills, while lovingly squeezing up minutes of her child’s time.

Whatever the location, the definition and job description embodies guilt.

Guilt you’re not making money at home. Guilt you’re not at home, and you’re making money.

Some mother alone, others with a partner, and others alone, yet with a partner…and some mother with another mother…and some Mother with an extended family.

Mothering can be amazing, awful, anxiety-producing, awe-inspiring, jaw-dropping, boring, loving, irritating, tiring, and impatient.

We think it will be one way and we will behave in a particular manner up until the time a baby is in our arms, and then we realize that all our armchair parenting was a load of crap. That we know nothing, and that we still know nothing.

That we love our child/children, yet he or she perplexes us to the same degree. That we want them to be like us, yet we also hope they won’t be.

We have idealized images in our mind, and then when we fall short, we are victim to our own guilt.

Society has ideas about how we should be of how we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do, and when we aren’t that way, we feel helpless, worthless, and unsure.

When we are how we think we should be, we feel amazing, unstoppable, and a bit too proud. We sometimes forget when we see another mother screwing up, how we did too…just the other day–hour–or minute.

We champion other mothers, yet we inspect them and hold them, deciding if they mother the way we do–if it’s good enough, forgetting that we fall short all the time.

We long to mother, and then fear we are no good.

We become a mother, and then long for the days sometimes when we were just ourselves. Just our name, and not “someone else’s mommy.”

All those Facebook memes about how we are all so happy to give up sleeping in and wearing ponytails, seem like a load of shit to us silently, because we certainly are sick of wearing our hair in a ponytail sometimes, and we want to sleep in. We love our children, but we miss our non-mothering self at times.

We try to remember what that was like, yet we can’t fully. We have photos, flashbacks, and videos to remind us…certainly we can envision that non-child person, yet we can never be her again fully. We have to be a different version of ourselves. Better. Smarter. More Patient.

We enter into new sexual territory. Some of us could care less about sex, others long for it…and miss the days when we didn’t fit as neatly into the box labeled Madonna or whore. Some of us wish it would go away at times, and others don’t want to be the soccer mom that young men say, “Yes maam,” to on a daily basis.

Some of us are still heavy from pregnancy, others are fit, and yet our bodies whether sightly or unsightly to ourselves, are somewhat different. It has done something it never did before.

We have done something we have never done before.

Every day is a learning process. Parenting is learning on the job. Prepare to fail, and plan to succeed.