There is no moment more magical than the moment where you realize you deserve more. Better. The best.
The only moment more magical would be meeting someone you love and cherish. The first time you set eyes on that person.
But the moment when you realize that you’re getting shortchanged and deserve better is a pivotal moment.
Because two things can happen in that moment:
1- You commit to demanding better for yourself OR
2- You recognize you deserve better, but keep living the same damn way.
Married life is great if you’re happy but of course, it’s not the same type of love as when you first met. So, it’s not unusual for your married friends to be curious and eager to chat about your dating life simply because it’s interesting (or so they think) and exciting compared to a date night with their partners.
There is definitely a clear difference in the conversations around dating when I talk with a divorced person vs. a married person. The divorced person already knows or has a gist of the reality you face whereas the married person has ideas about it that are either rooted in fantasy or perhaps, horror!
At the end of it all, your married friends want to see you happy and loved—whether it’s self-love from you or coupled love with someone else. Truly, at the bottom of all their curious and nosy questions, there is a love that radiates to you hoping for your happiness. Remember—these were the people who most likely saw you at your very worst in your marriage: unhappy and brokenhearted.
Read More: What Your Married Friends Think Dating After Divorce Is Like VS. What It’s Really Like
Reality Check,
Going out on the first date after divorce or separation is quite a doozy for most people. Think of it as like a cocktail of emotions—a dash of excitement, a sprinkle of dread and a dousing of nerves—and voila—you’ve got the first date after divorce.
Of course, the situation is different for everyone. If you’re going out with an ex or an old friend, your “spidey senses” won’t be as tingling since the person is familiar. If you’re venturing out with an online date or app match, chances are your nerves are in overdrive because, let’s face it: the online experience is a kooky one.
You might even feel a little guilty that first date out, even though you shouldn’t. Guilt over moving on or guilt over being so excited about a date and maybe not caring at all about your ex.
Read More: Tips For Your First Date After Divorce
You’ve Got This,
Laura
When it comes to dating, you’re concerned. You have a laundry list of fears. You’re worried about the size of your thighs. You’re worried someone won’t accept your kids. You’re worried you won’t have the time for someone. You’re concerned people will judge you for your divorce. You’re feeling old. Isn’t that a count against you? And truly, will someone else love you for you? Or was your former marriage the last chance that happened, if your ex even loved you for you in the first place?
The fears I hear from people, men and women, but especially women after divorce, usually sound like the ones I listed above. The fear that ultimately, you have lost your chance at love, forever, simply because your marriage failed.
By the way, that’s a flat-out no, you haven’t, but it’s a fear many people have—men and women, alike.
Yet, there is one thing that I see many women forgetting as they start dating after divorce that if they considered it would really change the way they date and meet someone, for good.
Read More: The One Change You Need To Make Before Going Out On A Date
Is He/She Worthy?
Laura
If you’re divorced, it’s normal to wonder if you’re going to ever love someone again and have that person love you.
Doubting love and the longevity of relationships is normal. But if you’re one of those people who have decided that you want to try dating after divorce and find a lasting love, you need to make sure you’re approaching love the right way, and not from dysfunction.
Many of us struggle with issues such as trust, confidence and commitment after our marriages fail, but it’s how you manage those issues that make you succeed — or lose — in love.
Here are 9 ways you keep yourself from finding love after divorce.
You’re divorced, but your boundaries with your ex are fragile. You two are too invested in each other’s lives, or perhaps, you’re too invested in continuing to fight with each other.
This type of emotional friction keeps you from finding love. You need to stop the battle or stop the emotional investment in your ex in order to move on.
Read More: 9 Ways You Unknowingly And Actively Sabotage Yourself From Finding Love Again After Divorce
Your Own Worst Enemy- YOU!
Laura
You’re divorced and now you’re ready to meet the right one.
Ok, got it! So many of us are looking for love, part deux.
But are you putting your best self forward? Or are you sabotaging romance before a spark can set aflame?
It’s not unusual for people to go out into the world bitter, afraid and slightly jaded after a divorce or any major breakup really. The key is really going out there and meeting people when you are truly your best self. Here are 8 serious signs you are sabotaging your love life all on your own.
1) A Billion Things on the Checklist
Before you’ve even met the person, you’ve got a billion things on the checklist someone needs to meet or you won’t consider him or her.
If your list of criteria is so stringent it is enviable to college application requirements, you’re not ready.
Yes—you should have deal breakers in your list.
Yes—you shouldn’t settle.
But no, it shouldn’t require jumping through hoops to be with you.
2) A Great Big Dump
Are you joining dates for a drink, only to prattle on about your ex or how jaded or torn you are about love and relationships?
You’re not ready. You’re a big hot mess of negativity and sorry, no one wants that.
No one wants to date your sad stories. A potential partner wants to date you—the available loving, you. Sure, you come with baggage like everyone does, but if your baggage arrives at the date before your personality can…you are not ready!
Read More: 8 Serious Signs You Are Self-Sabotaging Your Love Life
Tellin’ Y’all It’s Sabotage…
Laura
I decided at some point that this was going to be my summer of zero dates.
Well, mostly.
I was online and on apps a lot. I had more first dates in a two month period than I had in my entire life, and I was always a pretty active dater. Nothing disastrous had happened. Nothing traumatic. I just felt as if the dating had become a chore.
For most people, casual conversation with a “mostly” stranger like the dates you have online are difficult. For me, I could talk to anyone…really. The janitor. The CEO. The three-year old child. The eighty-year old guy with Dementia on the subway. Conversing with dates was a breeze.
I met interesting people…and not so interesting people. Some were a little crazy while others were perfectly fine.
None gave me a tingle or spark. None made me say, let’s take this to the next level.
And hey, when you are divorced and dating, we all know how tough that can be.
Juggling your schedules around the kids…if you’ve both got them or you or your date is a parent.
Trusting someone after perhaps some intense trust fails from an ex.
Revealing parts of yourself and being vulnerable after watching a marriage fail.
Dating after divorce is an intricate dance, and one that I had committed to carrying out, from the beginning intro the final curtsy, but before summer had even dropped its hot humid temperatures on the East Coast, I was just done.
Not bitter. Not jaded.
Just bored.
Read More: My Summer of Zero Dates
A Little Break,
Laura
Dating after divorce. Ah. When my ex and I first separated, it felt exciting to date and also, a bit like dodging bullets. While it wasn’t a whole new world — I had obviously dated before — it was still a new playing field and I came into dating differently this time, than I had before marriage.
Heed these expert dating tips offered to you by myself and Jason McClain — speaker, mentor, and life coach — before you go off into the wild yonder of dating after divorce. It’s better to have some wise advice under your belt in order to avoid unnecessary strife and heartache.
1. Get Out Those Old Ugly Feelings:
Jason McClain, urges you to reach out before dating and spend time with a good counselor or best friend to air out your feelings. Does either individual believe you are ready to date again? Ask for an honest answer.
From my perspective, there is nothing worse than sitting on a date with someone who is still angry, hurting, or messed-up over a former spouse. It’s very off-putting and instantly feels like the person needs therapy, and not romance.
Read More: 10 Expert Dating Tips After Divorce
Are You Ready?
Laura
You’re separated from your soon-to-be-former spouse, and now you’re wondering: is it acceptable for me to date?
I wish I had an easy yes or no answer for you, but each situation is different. Some people may be available to date easily, and others? Not so much. There is one thing I can say with absolute certainty on the subject and that is this: whether you are divorcing with kids, without kids, or have been married a long time or simply a few years, no one is ready to be serious with ANYONE right after a separation.
Sure, you could be ready to have fun, have sex, and casually date, but you are no one’s Mrs. Right until you have taken time to assess yourself, your failed marriage, and where you are going in life. Not to mention, you need to heal. You may feel completely over someone, but the fact is it takes time to unravel yourself from a marriage.
Here are some indicators/rules you can go by to determine whether you are ready to casually date vs. whether you are not ready to casually date.
Read More: Do NOT Date Before the Divorce Is Finalized Until You Consider These Important Factors
It’s Not the Smartest Move,
Laura
Watch out!
Love with caution.
Dating after divorce is tough territory and it needs to be done right and it can be, as long as you use common sense, date when you are truly ready, and avoid getting your heart invested with the wrong people.
Here are 5 toxic people you will meet in your love journey. Please be sure to avoid them at all costs. Thank me later.
1. The Hornball with Charm
This usually pertains to women dating after divorce.
The Hornball is sowing every single one of his oats as quickly and as often as he can.
He is injured emotionally from his divorce, or is a lifelong bachelor that can’t help but “taste the variety.”
He is vicious and you are vulnerable. Watch out!
Read More: The 5 Toxic People You Will Meet While Dating After Divorce
You’ve Been Warned,
