Stop Thinking of Yourself as a Bride, and Start Thinking of Yourself as a Wife

It’s very easy to get caught up in the magic of a wedding. Very easy to get caught up in the fantasy that getting married will make your life complete, finally. It’s very easy to compare yourself to your married friends and think, “Single life sucks. Why can’t I find someone?”

Except for that’s not reality. That’s just you envisioning yourself as a bride, and not a wife.

Read More: Stop Thinking of Yourself as a Bride, and Start Thinking of Yourself as a Wife

It Takes Work to be a Good Wife,

Laura

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The 4 Real Stages of the Crazy Woman, I mean, Menstrual Cycle; Be afraid. Be Very Afraid!

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Look, there are plenty of sane women. There are also women who don’t PMS. Women who do charity work. Who wear chastity belts.

Who are saints.

Then there are the rest of us.

And since women are crazy because men are sometimes, ahem, stupid, I thought I would delineate the stages of the menstrual cycle for the lazyman, I mean, the layman.

#1 All is well

Let’s call this day 1 of the cycle. Period is done.

The woman is happy. Her vagina is free of tampons, and her crotch is free of maxi pads. There’s nothing going down down there, and praise be! That’s all we ask. A  little peace and quiet in the netherlands of our “netherlands.”

Our skin is clear. Our boobs aren’t sore. And we haven’t ate everyone out of the house or held up a CVS or Duane Reade at gunpoint for Peanut Butter cups.

Not yet at least.

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Excuse me. I think I just had an orgasm. What was I saying?

Oh yeah. stage #2

#2 High-energy

Right before ovulation, things start to get cooking. We’re peppy, and hey guys, we even like you. We might ask you to go steady, or to fu*k off, but chances are we will be nice if we tell you to go south. We exercise, command attention, and are super-efficient. Life is better than good–it’s awesome.

#3 A Love Bomb is about to Drop

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This is right at ovulation or a 1-3 days before.

We. Are. Horny. Very.

This is the time to make babies, or make peace, depending on bad you pissed off your lady. This is the peak opportune time to ask her to do something naughty in bed.

Some women may speak in tongues during orgasms. Others may just simply make you agree to spend loads of money you didn’t really want to, but you don’t care. You got some. We like you. We want you around, and we make your life easy.

Our skin may break out–damn, that sucks—but otherwise, we are symptom free, minus a few cramps indicating that “Damn son, an egg is about to drop!”

If you don’t want a baby, watch out!

#4 Run For Cover, or Prepare for potential Death

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This is right before our period…the stage called PMS, and the actual PERIOD. Yup, blood and all.

We become bloated. Some of us have sore boobs. We may cramp. We may break out as if we are a goddamned teenager again. We may eat you out of the house. We may decide to hold up 7-11 for a slushie and a chocolate bar, forgetting we’ve got the cash to pay for it in our wallets. Besides, we didn’t ask to go through this. Nature gave us this crap. We deserve whatever we want.

Men, you will do EVERYTHING wrong, unless you aren’t stupid, and we will hate your clothes, words, face, soul, job, mother, and heart.

We will cry when you forget the DVR the Golden GIrls because don’t you know it, it was the episode in which Sophia was in the hospital. Damn you!

We will get mad when you forget (see a theme here?) what our confirmation/Hebrew name is! You terrible pathetic jerkoff! How dare you forget my confirmation name that goes like: Mary Margaret Theresa Marie.

How dare you get it in the wrong order?

Watch as your precious items are burned.

Football, unless she’s a fan, will be banned.

If you even whisper, “Touchdown,” prepare for your death.

Right until when it is all over, and we’re back to stage 1.

The impressions in this blog are of the author, a sane and smart woman. Well, one of those is true.

If you are an angel all month long, please ignore this.

If you love getting your period, screw you.

If you don’t understand this is humor, you are stupid.

Love,

Me

**images by Photobucket

Men are Simple.

Lately I see a lot of women in my life questioning the men in their lives, and often with good cause. Men say women are complicated, and dare I say it, I agree, although we must be careful to not pigeonhole people by gender. Some women are simple and some men are complicated dudes We women are socialized to be so nice and polite, yet when our feelings conflict with these socialized norms, we experience conflict, and don’t often say what we think.

Consider the common phrases like “Whatever,” or ” It doesn’t matter,” when you can damn well tell that it sure as hell does matter. I know many women who are sometimes afraid to say what they think, so there is a disconnect between action and emotion that men then have to interpret. They tell you, “whatever,” when what they really mean is, “I am so upset right now!” There are a billion Facebook memes about this female communication strategy that rarely works, if you ask me, but then again, I am a direct woman. Ask and you shall receive the blatant truth.

Men–in my experience and of course, not all men will fall into this category as we are all individuals with varied characteristics,–are simple folk.

I see friends and family–and myself at times, questioning male behavior, but to me, the basic primitive communication skills of the average male is pretty cut and dry.

So instead of paying the big bucks to read some book about men, here are my general tips. You can thank me later or send me money…or a cleaning guy who also strips. That would certainly be handy.

1- If he likes you, he will call you. Or text you.

Men hunt for what they want. If they want you, they will contact you. They want to secure their desired object.

Moral of story? If he doesn’t contact you, he doesn’t like you.

Exception: if he only contacts you late at night when he is drunk, he only likes your vagina.

2- He is not being coy. He isn’t into you.

If a guy says it is over or he doesn’t want a relationship than there is no way you will convince him otherwise. It doesn’t matter if you have five vaginas, or twenty hands. It’s done or it wasn’t about to begin in the first place.  He isn’t struggling to express himself woman, he told you exactly what he means.

The caveman was simple and direct. If he says it, he probably means it.

Exception: if he is mentally ill, he may want a relationship with you still, but be wary of a dude on heavy meds.

3-Guys solve problems.

Guys like to solve problems. Listening to you ramble about a fight with your girlfriend is not exactly a fun time for an XY. He likes to solve problems rather than commiserate over them. Accept this and you will learn to appreciate the various solutions a gentleman will offer you. It’s a sign of care that he wants to help, even if you want him to shut up and listen.

4- Men are visual–mostly.

When a man is confused, draw a picture. If he is mad at you, wear something x-rated. Plead your case well, but do it in a visual manner.

Exception: if he is color blind, watch the color choices in your “attire.” If he is blind, don’t draw him a picture. Scream in his ear.

5- I have no freaking clue about men. I wrote this list up to prove how little I know about men. Men of the world are all laughing at me and my diatribes. I have now led women to destruction, and no one will ever date or love or marry again.

Whatever. It doesn’t matter anyway.

It’s Hug A Sexy Nice Guy Day: Don’t Date Douchebags

I recognize this may be an unfair post as there are plenty of chicks who suck, but this time I am writing to address the issues with the men folk. Don’t worry my male followers: I will write a counterpiece about avoiding female freaks as well. I wouldn’t want to upset any of you precious things.

If you are single and dating, there are a few guys you should stay clear away from. It saddens me to have to write this, but some people don’t know a jerk even if he’s got a gun in your back, so I figured that since the internet is so full of useful information, why shouldn’t I help folks out by creating large stereotypes of men to avoid in a list format?

#1 Owes Child Support

If your dude owes child support, he is a twat. There is no excuse on earth why a man should not pay his child support. It is his kid. Whether he wants the child or not, he did the deed, so he’s got to back himself up. Unless he is terminally ill or mentally impaired to a severe degree, he better pay his child support.

Do you want to be his Baby Momma and watch when he doesn’t pay your sorry butt?

Plenty of men dodge child support. Each and every one of them is a douche. Unless a DNA test convicts you of such responsibilities, you better pay the piper Peter.

#2 Cocky Guy

Everyone knows Cocky Guy. He always shows off the newest recent addition to his muscular system.

“Look at this…I’m really cut.”

Cocky Guy likes to brag about all the wonderful things he is doing,  because of course, he’s so fantastic.

Cocky Guy is often good-looking and smart enough to try and pull this garbage, however don’t get caught in his handsome trap. He’s better off with a full-view mirror of himself and his hand.

We all know what he can do with that hand.

Wave Bye-Bye to Cocky Dude.

#3  I’m just Living with my Mother for now…

Some guys deserve to live with their mothers without harassment. If he’s in college, a recent graduate, ill, or caring for his mom, or legitimately saving for a house, then it’s okay for him to shack up with his mom. Besides, the economy is killer lately. However, there are some men who live with their mothers…for forever. They don’t do laundry, they’ve never cooked a meal, and their mothers probably wipe their butts and tie their shoes for them.

His mother will mostly likely have an unhealthy attraction to her son, and will walk around in a mumu and cap on her head all day, following her son around with food requests.

She will most likely call her son a pet name, and will hate you upon sight. She will tie her son up in his bed at night so he doesn’t leave, and cry if he asks to pee alone.

Okay, so some of that is true. You decide what.

If a guy doesn’t want to move out because he lives above his means or has decided that hard work sucks or he will miss his mumsy too much, you need to leave town fast otherwise you will end up tying his shoes and wiping his pee-pee too, sweetheart.

#4 Closeted ( A special section for my gay friends)

If a guy is closeted, you ought to run screaming. Do you really want to sleep with someone who cries afterwards? Or walks by you and denies he knows you?

I’m not saying he needs to be singing Judy Garland or wearing a pink feather boa, but he should be comfortable and aware of his own sexuality. You are with yours, so why do you need to coax someone out of his shell? The best arrangement here is to be his friend until he has accepted himself.

** Ladies, if you suspect a guy is gay, you need to realize that your equipment won’t cut it. After awhile, he is going to be unhappy, and unless you feel like wearing a strap-on, he won’t fall for you. Become his friend and enjoy that!

#5 Arrogant Prick

We all know Arrogant Prick. He is different from Cocky Guy; Cocky Guy is usually more bold, foolish, and vain. Arrogant Prick is quietly mean and disdainful of everyone who doesn’t measure up to his insane standards. Apparently, we all lost the memo that he’s God, and the rest of us are just the bitches doing his dirty work.

Arrogant Prick will always point out your friends’ and family’s flaws, all the while silently tsk-tsking you. He has ideas about what you should do, be, and look like, and all of this will run contrary to your own desires about how you should live. He is a pompous ass and most likely small in the pants. In which case, you should doubly run.

I thank you all for taking the time to read with me on this serious matter. Too many women and men fall for scumbags when they could be giving a nice guy a chance. Let’s all do our part to severely beat these jerks, and champion the men with dignity, class, and respect.

Hug a sexy nice guy today in honor of “Hug a Sexy Nice Guy” day.

They need love too.

Kisses,

Me

For Your Daughter

If a man is not good enough for your daughter, he is not good enough for you.

Remember this mantra when you are dating, married, or single with just a wee vibrator and Haagen-Daas to get you through the night.

We women rationalize and excuse too much, and expect too little.

Consider this the next time you spend any significant time with a partner.

I will be back darlings for more delicious dish on life and what have you. I’ve been busy, but haven’t forgotten you all.