Stop Thinking of Yourself as a Bride, and Start Thinking of Yourself as a Wife

It’s very easy to get caught up in the magic of a wedding. Very easy to get caught up in the fantasy that getting married will make your life complete, finally. It’s very easy to compare yourself to your married friends and think, “Single life sucks. Why can’t I find someone?”

Except for that’s not reality. That’s just you envisioning yourself as a bride, and not a wife.

Read More: Stop Thinking of Yourself as a Bride, and Start Thinking of Yourself as a Wife

It Takes Work to be a Good Wife,

Laura

The 4 Real Stages of the Crazy Woman, I mean, Menstrual Cycle; Be afraid. Be Very Afraid!

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Look, there are plenty of sane women. There are also women who don’t PMS. Women who do charity work. Who wear chastity belts.

Who are saints.

Then there are the rest of us.

And since women are crazy because men are sometimes, ahem, stupid, I thought I would delineate the stages of the menstrual cycle for the lazyman, I mean, the layman.

#1 All is well

Let’s call this day 1 of the cycle. Period is done.

The woman is happy. Her vagina is free of tampons, and her crotch is free of maxi pads. There’s nothing going down down there, and praise be! That’s all we ask. A  little peace and quiet in the netherlands of our “netherlands.”

Our skin is clear. Our boobs aren’t sore. And we haven’t ate everyone out of the house or held up a CVS or Duane Reade at gunpoint for Peanut Butter cups.

Not yet at least.

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Excuse me. I think I just had an orgasm. What was I saying?

Oh yeah. stage #2

#2 High-energy

Right before ovulation, things start to get cooking. We’re peppy, and hey guys, we even like you. We might ask you to go steady, or to fu*k off, but chances are we will be nice if we tell you to go south. We exercise, command attention, and are super-efficient. Life is better than good–it’s awesome.

#3 A Love Bomb is about to Drop

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This is right at ovulation or a 1-3 days before.

We. Are. Horny. Very.

This is the time to make babies, or make peace, depending on bad you pissed off your lady. This is the peak opportune time to ask her to do something naughty in bed.

Some women may speak in tongues during orgasms. Others may just simply make you agree to spend loads of money you didn’t really want to, but you don’t care. You got some. We like you. We want you around, and we make your life easy.

Our skin may break out–damn, that sucks—but otherwise, we are symptom free, minus a few cramps indicating that “Damn son, an egg is about to drop!”

If you don’t want a baby, watch out!

#4 Run For Cover, or Prepare for potential Death

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This is right before our period…the stage called PMS, and the actual PERIOD. Yup, blood and all.

We become bloated. Some of us have sore boobs. We may cramp. We may break out as if we are a goddamned teenager again. We may eat you out of the house. We may decide to hold up 7-11 for a slushie and a chocolate bar, forgetting we’ve got the cash to pay for it in our wallets. Besides, we didn’t ask to go through this. Nature gave us this crap. We deserve whatever we want.

Men, you will do EVERYTHING wrong, unless you aren’t stupid, and we will hate your clothes, words, face, soul, job, mother, and heart.

We will cry when you forget the DVR the Golden GIrls because don’t you know it, it was the episode in which Sophia was in the hospital. Damn you!

We will get mad when you forget (see a theme here?) what our confirmation/Hebrew name is! You terrible pathetic jerkoff! How dare you forget my confirmation name that goes like: Mary Margaret Theresa Marie.

How dare you get it in the wrong order?

Watch as your precious items are burned.

Football, unless she’s a fan, will be banned.

If you even whisper, “Touchdown,” prepare for your death.

Right until when it is all over, and we’re back to stage 1.

The impressions in this blog are of the author, a sane and smart woman. Well, one of those is true.

If you are an angel all month long, please ignore this.

If you love getting your period, screw you.

If you don’t understand this is humor, you are stupid.

Love,

Me

**images by Photobucket

Men are Simple.

Lately I see a lot of women in my life questioning the men in their lives, and often with good cause. Men say women are complicated, and dare I say it, I agree, although we must be careful to not pigeonhole people by gender. Some women are simple and some men are complicated dudes We women are socialized to be so nice and polite, yet when our feelings conflict with these socialized norms, we experience conflict, and don’t often say what we think.

Consider the common phrases like “Whatever,” or ” It doesn’t matter,” when you can damn well tell that it sure as hell does matter. I know many women who are sometimes afraid to say what they think, so there is a disconnect between action and emotion that men then have to interpret. They tell you, “whatever,” when what they really mean is, “I am so upset right now!” There are a billion Facebook memes about this female communication strategy that rarely works, if you ask me, but then again, I am a direct woman. Ask and you shall receive the blatant truth.

Men–in my experience and of course, not all men will fall into this category as we are all individuals with varied characteristics,–are simple folk.

I see friends and family–and myself at times, questioning male behavior, but to me, the basic primitive communication skills of the average male is pretty cut and dry.

So instead of paying the big bucks to read some book about men, here are my general tips. You can thank me later or send me money…or a cleaning guy who also strips. That would certainly be handy.

1- If he likes you, he will call you. Or text you.

Men hunt for what they want. If they want you, they will contact you. They want to secure their desired object.

Moral of story? If he doesn’t contact you, he doesn’t like you.

Exception: if he only contacts you late at night when he is drunk, he only likes your vagina.

2- He is not being coy. He isn’t into you.

If a guy says it is over or he doesn’t want a relationship than there is no way you will convince him otherwise. It doesn’t matter if you have five vaginas, or twenty hands. It’s done or it wasn’t about to begin in the first place.  He isn’t struggling to express himself woman, he told you exactly what he means.

The caveman was simple and direct. If he says it, he probably means it.

Exception: if he is mentally ill, he may want a relationship with you still, but be wary of a dude on heavy meds.

3-Guys solve problems.

Guys like to solve problems. Listening to you ramble about a fight with your girlfriend is not exactly a fun time for an XY. He likes to solve problems rather than commiserate over them. Accept this and you will learn to appreciate the various solutions a gentleman will offer you. It’s a sign of care that he wants to help, even if you want him to shut up and listen.

4- Men are visual–mostly.

When a man is confused, draw a picture. If he is mad at you, wear something x-rated. Plead your case well, but do it in a visual manner.

Exception: if he is color blind, watch the color choices in your “attire.” If he is blind, don’t draw him a picture. Scream in his ear.

5- I have no freaking clue about men. I wrote this list up to prove how little I know about men. Men of the world are all laughing at me and my diatribes. I have now led women to destruction, and no one will ever date or love or marry again.

Whatever. It doesn’t matter anyway.

For Your Daughter

If a man is not good enough for your daughter, he is not good enough for you.

Remember this mantra when you are dating, married, or single with just a wee vibrator and Haagen-Daas to get you through the night.

We women rationalize and excuse too much, and expect too little.

Consider this the next time you spend any significant time with a partner.

I will be back darlings for more delicious dish on life and what have you. I’ve been busy, but haven’t forgotten you all.