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Posts Tagged ‘divorce advice’

Why You Should Never Be Ashamed of Getting a Divorce

In divorce, divorce advice on August 9, 2017 at 2:31 am

When I randomly look through articles I have written on divorce or read through comments on social media posts of these same articles, there’s always at least one or two “shamers” trolling the pieces. Usually these shamers quote biblical accounts or talk about how these people must be weak or awful, terrible parents (if divorced with kids) or quitters. How back in the day, “people stayed married.” It’s funny. These random strangers seem to think they know everything about a complete stranger’s divorce and life from one article. The ones who quote religion are acting as a “god” of sorts, passing judgments on people they’ve never met and never will.

You, the divorced or the person about to get divorced may also get shamers from your community. Family. Friends. Neighbors. Acquaintances. “Another one bites the dust. Another one quits.” You can see it on their faces, hear it in their words.

Well, as someone three years out and happy, I can tell you: pay these shamers no mind.

#1 Who Made These Folks The Boss Of Your Life?

Really, who gets to tell you what to do or how to feel about your life? Why would you let anyone tell you how to feel about your marriage, your divorce, or anything, period?

No one is the boss of you. Just you. And if someone pulls in religion, remind this person of free will. You have the right to leave someone. You have the right to move on. Unless these people are paying your bills and wiping your tush, who are they? Pay no mind!

Read More: Why You Should Never Be Ashamed of Getting a Divorce

No Shame In My Game!

Laura

7 Small Silver Linings of Going Through a Divorce

In divorce, divorce advice on August 9, 2017 at 2:29 am

When you’re going through a divorce, it can be hard at times to see all the positives that are coming from breaking off a dead and done marriage. You might find yourself sulking in your own self-pity too much. You might find yourself looking at the glass as not only half-empty, but dead damn empty.

Quit it! It’s OK to be sad. It’s not OK to persist in misery. Whether you wanted the divorce or you didn’t, let’s turn the page and view this as a new start. Here are seven small silver linings of going through a divorce that you’re apt to feel a lot happier and more positive about your new future if you always remember.

#1 A Fresh Start

Do you remember how good it felt when you started something new? New school year? New relationship? New job? New workout? New whatever? Sure, you felt anxious, too. But there was also positivity. Hope. Excitement.

Going through a divorce means at the end, there’s a fresh new start. Cherish that. Cherish it and run with it and I promise you you will feel great joy in your new life.

Read More: 7 Small Silver Linings of Going Through a Divorce

Find The Bright Side,

Laura

The Number 1 Hardest Thing About Divorce and Hint, It is Not The Finances

In divorce, divorce advice on July 22, 2017 at 1:54 am

Let’s face it. Financial stress can be a key factor in delaying divorce. People are afraid to split due to financial woes. People are delaying the divorce because someone doesn’t want to sign the papers over a low alimony number…whatever the case may be, finances are indeed a real hardship and pain in the butt when it comes to divorce. But the reality is even with that over a divorcing couple’s heads, it’s not the hardest thing about divorce.

And trust me, I know. I did not walk away from my marriage financially comfortable. I hustle. I work hard. There are definitely some incredibly tense times that I don’t sleep worrying about money.

But even still, the hardest thing about divorce is not dividing the property, paying off debts and starting up again on your own.

The hardest thing is having faith that you will be okay again. The hardest thing is telling you that as you’re walking away from someone you may have known for years and years and years…that you will rebuild. That you will find love. That you will be okay.

This is something I struggled with greatly during my separation from my former husband. I wondered if all of the “newness” and uncertainty would be worth it. I wondered if one day, this struggle both emotionally and financially would pay off. I wondered if I would be “okay” again.

So many people sit in bad marriages and situations because the devil they know is easier to deal with than the devil they don’t—will I be ok? Will I move on? Will I find love again? — in so many ways. It’s what my friend Sid calls “Sitting in sh*t.” So many of us sit in the sh*t because the idea of getting ourselves up and cleaning ourselves off seems so much worse than the agony of sitting in smelly, rotten feces—metaphorically speaking.

It’s that question that lingers in the backs of our heads as we move forward and untangle our lives from our former partners that can stall us from either calling it completely quits or from really moving on and embracing a new life after divorce.

It’s that doubt and that silent nagging voice that makes us wonder, even when we know full well that there is NO way in hell we could have stayed married to our former spouses if we will really truly be okay.

 

Read More: The Number 1 Hardest Thing About Divorce and Hint, It is Not The Finances

You Will Be Ok,

Laura

10 Ways to Show Appreciation to Your Ex For Being a Good Dad This Fathers Day

In divorce, divorce advice, single dad on June 16, 2017 at 2:53 pm

Father’s Day is almost here, but you’re not living with the father of your child/children anymore. If your kids are older, they can certainly figure out a way to tell dad how much they love him, but for those of you with younger children…isn’t it up to you to do something?

Sure, a stepmother or new partner may hold the helm with these duties, but as mom of those children, if you’ve got an ex who is an active and good dad, you should step up and do something. You don’t have to drop cash on him or go all out like you used to because you’re not his wife…but they’re still his kids. If your ex is a good father, step up and show him your appreciation. It could be so much worse. Even if you’re still feeling the sting over the divorce, think of the many divorced parents who watch as the dad walks out on the kids’ lives. If your ex is in it for the long haul, show him how important he is on Father’s Day with these ideas.

1- Plan a Breakfast

If the kids are dying to make him breakfast, ask if he wouldn’t mind if you help the littles make breakfast for him. If his new partner is not happy with the idea, try inviting the new partner too.

What will an hour together hurt?

If the two of you can’t get along but he’s still an awesome dad, give the kids money and let them treat him to breakfast!

Read More: 10 Ways to Show Appreciation to Your Ex For Being a Good Dad This Fathers Day

Be Grateful If He’s Good,

Laura

Are You Harboring Resentment Against Your Ex?

In divorce, divorce advice on June 8, 2017 at 8:15 pm

One of the hardest things to do during or after a divorce, is let go of any resentment you might have towards a jerky ex.

I get it. You hate her. You hate him. He’s a piece of dog poo. She’s a mess. Your skin crawls when you hear his or her voice…your blood pressure rises with every single email or text from this human being.

Welcome to divorce. Wink.

If you loved your ex still, most likely you wouldn’t be divorced! This doesn’t mean that everyone who gets divorced hates his or her ex as some people remain friendly afterwards, but it’s not unusual to have a bit of dislike for your former partner.

Especially if your ex is a bad coparent, an absent coparent, financially wrecked you, doesn’t pay support, milks you for every cent…or many other numerous reasons. It’s very easy if you’re struggling to rebuild yourself after divorce with or without kids, to not feel a little pissed at the person who is doing you wrong, essentially.

However, anger is an emotion that while it seems to go one way, is an emotion that is both directed…and swallowed. What the heck does that mean? I’m asking myself that now.

It means that when you’re angry, the other party feels your anger, but so do you. They say that depression is anger turned inwards, right? Well if you’re angry at someone else, you’re bound to feel it. Dare I say it, you’re probably consumed with anger! It’s not exactly a very fleeting feeling…being angry at someone. But all that resentment you have towards your ex—is it really making this person a better person? Or is it just wasting your energy?

Read More: Are You Harboring Resentment Against Your Ex?

Let It Go,

Laura

8 Tips to Help You with Finances When Facing Divorce

In divorce advice on January 19, 2017 at 2:44 am

Getting a divorce is a marathon—not a sprint and if you know you’re going down the divorce road, prepping your finances is a smart way to handle what’s about to come your way. Finances can be the hardest obstacle of them all in divorce. It’s one thing to go through the various emotions of divorce—grief, anger, happiness, relief and sadness, but quite another to be potentially facing a perilous financial situation.

Here are some tips to help you financially prep for divorce:

1- Assess your accounts and debts—joint and sole:

Here’s one piece of scary news—you better hope your spouse doesn’t have debt secretly wracked up because as the spouse, you can be held responsible. This is something out of your control, but what you can do is assess all the joint and sole accounts and debts. Get a handle on what the two of you stand to have to pay off—and what the two of you will potentially be fighting for, or splitting.

And if you don’t have your own account…

Read more: 8 Tips to Help You with Finances When Facing Divorce

Run With Purpose,

Laura

How to Deal with an Absent Parent and Help Your Children

In divorce on January 5, 2017 at 3:32 am

There are many reasons why a parent may be absent from a child’s life. In divorce, usually a parent is simply sharing custody time with another parent, rather than being absent; however, sometimes with divorce, one parent will “lessen” his or her commitment to the child/children or worse, become completely absent.

There are many reasons for a divorced parent’s absence, although most of them aren’t good reasons but simply, filthy excuses.

Some of the good reasons may be work-related, like work travel or perhaps military service or sickness.

Some of the bad “reasons?” A new relationship or abandoning the “old” kids for a new family are two lame excuses that sadly, happen more commonly in divorce than people think. And then there are actual chemical or mental health issues that affect a parent’s ability to be a parent like, drug addiction, gambling or other mental health related issues.

If your child is missing an absent parent due to military service or work travel, it’s easier to write off why to yourself and your kids why mom or dad isn’t around. But when it comes to more complicated reasons or plain old terrible excuses, it can be difficult to express to your child what’s going on.

How do you explain an absent parent to a child?

Read More:How to Deal with an Absent Parent and Help Your Children

It’s Hard,

Laura

How to Build Your Strength To Leave

In divorce, divorce advice on October 26, 2016 at 5:54 pm

Hands down the greatest fear involving divorce is the fear of the unknown. It’s the fear of walking away from something you have known for years, maybe even for decades, simply to walk out into the great unknown. If you’re divorcing with kids, the second greatest fear is “How will my kids cope?” but before you can even consider how you will get your kids through the ordeal, you have to commit to making the choice to leave.

I wish I had magic that could tell you that making this choice will be crystal clear and vivid. Indeed, it may. There are some people who after much fretting, getting the feeling and vision that the only choice for survival is to leave, right away! This vision/emotion will carry someone through the whole divorce process.

And then of course, there are many people who fall into the “grey” area. They may know leaving is the best choice, but as they make the call, they struggle internally with whether or not it’s really the right thing. The good news in all of this is no matter what, I can tell you that even if you leave a marriage feeling uncertain and fearful, eventually, you will see that you made the right choice.

That crystal clear vision WILL come.

Read More: How to Build Your Strength To Leave

You Can Do It,

Laura

How To Tell Your Friends & Family You’re Getting a Divorce

In divorce, divorce advice, Uncategorized on October 11, 2016 at 1:29 am

You and your soon-to-be ex-spouse have decided to get a divorce and at first, the two of you were not ready to tell anyone. However now, it’s time to separate and really step out into the world as two separated distinct beings. How do you go about telling your friends and family? Is there a method or a way to go about it to try and break the news in a way that allows you to both keep your sanities and privacy?

There is no definite rulebook as to how to tell everyone, but there are some smart ways to go about the matter that will incur you and your former spouse, les stress.

Who NEEDS to Know

Before you start breaking the news, decide who really needs to know. In the early stages of separation, you are most likely going to feel vulnerable, scared and unsure. You and your former spouse can have a conversation over whom you both feel “needs” to know about the divorce, but understand that your partner’s view and comfort level may be different than yours. So when deciding to tell people, choose people in the beginning that you feel comfortable seeing you at your potential worst. The early stages are often the hardest.

 

Read More: How to Tell Your Friends & Family You’re Getting a Divorce

It’s Going to Be O.k.,

Laura

For All The Broken Divorced Guys Out There

In divorce, divorce advice on July 31, 2016 at 2:11 am

You are like Oz: the man behind the curtain is much smaller and vulnerable than he appears to be.

I see you everywhere, broken hearted divorced guys. You come up as my matches through online dating. You are my friends. You are the guys who talk to me and get close, only to retreat away. You are the men who comment under my articles, an anger seething in even the mildest words.

You are broken hearted but you won’t say so.

You’ll use words like “angry” or “over her” or “not ready,” but not once will you admit it: You are broken hearted. Your spirits are down. Your heart is broken. You wonder if you will ever be whole again.

You wonder if you will ever find the person you were before all of this began. You won’t say a word to anyone. Why call friends and burden them? Why go through the blow-by-blow of your disintegrated and dead marriage with family? Do they need to hear your heart’s worst pains?

No, you tell yourself. A real man goes this alone. And besides, you don’t want to be known as the “sad” guy. You don’t want pity or someone’s “I’m sorries.” Instead, you want to feel like a man again. You want to feel human. You want to wash yourself clean of this experience and magically, voila, be a new person again.

Except that doesn’t happen. Not to anyone. It comes in time, but to you, it’s taking too long. Why does it need to be never-ending?

Read More: For All The Broken Divorced Guys Out There

It Gets Better,

Laura