The 7 Stages of Breastfeeding No One Warns You About

You’ve decided to breastfeed even before the baby arrives, and so there you are shopping for nursing bras. Everything seems so exciting. You’ve “estimated your size” and feel you’ll have plenty of room once your milk comes in. Life is swell.

Then the baby comes.

After the baby gets here, your milk arrives shortly thereafter — unless it takes a hot minute, which can happen — and then everything is totally different than you imagined.

Here are the seven stages of breastfeeding — the good, the bad, and the ugly — that no one else will tell you about.

The ‘oh crap, my nursing bras are too small!’ stage

You thought you sized correctly but you didn’t, and the bras don’t fit. You can barely squeeze a nipple in that vaguely ’80s bra with unnecessary flowers and other grandmotherly details.

contain yourself in the Band-Aids — I mean, the nursing bras — you bought.

Read More: The 7 Stages of Breastfeeding No One Warns You About

Milk Does a Body Good,

Laura

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What 3-Year-Olds Think They Can Do Vs. What They Actually Do

I can spot a 3-year-old from a mile away.

The blatant defiance. The haughty confidence. The absolute adorableness, despite those two horrendous flaws. The look of pure stress and frustration on a parent’s face. The tactful negotiations that ensue over even the smallest situations like, “Who’s going to press the elevator button?”

Clearly, the PR campaign for the Terrible Twos was false and simply serving as a distraction and deterrent from you realizing that the Threes are a hell of a lot worse, for there is no one more infuriating, stubborn, or adorable than a 3-year-old. The cojones these children have and their pure drive is almost inspiring — and definitely crazy.

Here are just five things 3-year-olds think they can do versus what they can actually do:

Drive a Car vs. Cut Off Your Toe With a Little Tikes Vehicle

When my daughter was 3, she told me vehemently, “I’m going to get in the car and drive to where I wanna go!”

I laughed (which she did not like) and said, “You go ahead and try,” knowing reaching the pedals wasn’t even a remote possibility. Of course, I didn’t give her the keys.

Read More: What 3-Year-Olds Think They Can Do Vs. What They Actually Do

Good Luck!

Laura

What Your Married Friends Think Dating After Divorce Is Like VS. What It’s Really Like

Married life is great if you’re happy but of course, it’s not the same type of love as when you first met. So, it’s not unusual for your married friends to be curious and eager to chat about your dating life simply because it’s interesting (or so they think) and exciting compared to a date night with their partners.

There is definitely a clear difference in the conversations around dating when I talk with a divorced person vs. a married person. The divorced person already knows or has a gist of the reality you face whereas the married person has ideas about it that are either rooted in fantasy or perhaps, horror!

At the end of it all, your married friends want to see you happy and loved—whether it’s self-love from you or coupled love with someone else. Truly, at the bottom of all their curious and nosy questions, there is a love that radiates to you hoping for your happiness. Remember—these were the people who most likely saw you at your very worst in your marriage: unhappy and brokenhearted.

Read More: What Your Married Friends Think Dating After Divorce Is Like VS. What It’s Really Like

Reality Check,

Laura

A Day in the Life of My DDDDs

6 AM: Morning arrives much earlier than I would like. (Thank you, adulthood.) While my soul is crushed that the alarm has sounded and I have, in short order, exceeded the maximum number of snooze hits, there is one delightfully happy part of me: my boobs.

My boobs greet the morning with unadulterated joy. Why are my boobs so happy, you may ask? Because freedom. Unlike the rest of me, they awaken in an unguarded state of leisure.

6:15 AM: I hit the shower. My chest continues flying free. Life is good as a braless 30DDDD/30F UK/30G EU (damn, bra sizes are complicated) woman in the morning.

But as every woman knows, she’s only as good as her best-fitting over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder. As great as freedom feels, it’s time to secure the girls in a bra that will help them live their best life as I go out and live mine.

Read More: A Day in the Life of My DDDDs

Best Boobs Forward,

Laura

5 Embarrassing Things That Happen to Your Body During Pregnancy

Everyone talks about all the same parts of pregnancy: feeling the baby move, morning sickness, swollen feet, ultrasound pics, gender-reveal parties or peeing in the middle of the night.

But no one tells you about the embarrassing parts: the giant moles that will grow on you, the hemorrhoids, the mood-changing labia.

Yup, you read that right, and no, I’m not smoking anything funny.

Here are the things that only your very close girlfriends might reveal to you and that pregnancy books will only display in the back of the book (or in small letters).

1. Hemorrhoids the size of a prune or, worse, a golf ball

I remember the day I felt that hemorrhoid. I thought that a part of my colon was dangling from my rear end. That, or I had another anus or a tail. I was pretty sure I was going to die or have a tail for the rest of my life. I’m not talking about a cute, fake Playboy bunny tail — I’m talking about the tail of my intestines.

Read More: 5 Embarrassing Things That Happen to Your Body During Pregnancy

It Can Be SO Gross!

Laura

When Life Gives You Lemons, Tell Life F U And Laugh

Life loves to hand out lemons. Whether you’re rich or poor, young or old, male or female or whatever you choose to identify as, I can guarantee you that life will send some lemons your way, for sure.

And let’s be real: when you’ve gone through a divorce you sort of feel as if you took the whole friggin’ lemon in your mouth and drank sour juice for months on end. Even in the best of divorce situations, we’ve all had a bit of sour taste in our mouth and it’s easy to be depressed and discouraged with puckered lips to boot.

With a show of hands, how many of you have simply felt like you couldn’t handle another thing life handed you? How many of you have felt like it’s never going to get better? Like life is raining little tiny sh*t balls all over you? Feeling like you’re walking around the corner, getting slimed by your worst enemies every day?

Read More: When Life Gives You Lemons, Tell Life F U And Laugh

Adjust Your Crown & Keep Walking,

Laura

8 Ways to Shut Down Questions About When Baby No. 2 Is Coming

Don’t you love how people are utterly offended and horrified by the fact that your kid is an only child? I mean, what could possibly be worse than not having a sibling?

Because having siblings is always easy. Your brother is never publicly intoxicated and your sister is completely normal, sane and never yanked your hair like she was pulling weeds, right? Siblings always get along, too! I mean everyone knows that!

Yeah, what sort of demon leaves his or her child to be a lone soul in the world without a sibling around to kick that kid’s ass?

Apparently, having an only child makes other parents consider us parents of only kids, slackers. It’s like we’re all competing in this major parenting Olympics and if you only have one kid, you’re cheating at life and therefore, getting by way too damn easy.

Read More: 8 Ways to Shut Down Questions About When Baby No. 2 Is Coming

None of Their Beeswax,

Laura

What You Thought Motherhood Would Be Like vs. What It’s Actually Like

The funniest thing in the world just might be someone without kids sharing their “wisdom” on how they will be upon becoming a parent. It’s amazing how awesome and well-behaved both you and your kids are in your own little fantasy world of how you’ll parent when you’re not actually a parent, isn’t it?

You think motherhood is going to be one way and that you’ll always get big fat A-pluses on all your motherhood “assignments,” but then reality gives you a beat down like nobody’s business.

BIRTH

Expectation:

You thought you’d go all natural with childbirth.

Reality:

Meanwhile, that birth hurt like a mutha and the anesthesiologist became your BFF. Epidurals FTW.

Read More: What You Thought Motherhood Would Be Like vs. What It’s Actually Like

Reality is a B*tch,

Laura

6 Things Your Work Husband Will Do for You That Your Real Husband Won’t

While you love your husband dearly and wouldn’t trade him for a hottie with six-pack abs, there’s something extra-special about your work husband.

Your what?

Your work husband. You know. Your male work BFF. The man around the office who you are not hooking up with (oh, no-no-no, ladies), but who makes your life at work infinitely better?

Sure, he might not make your heart skip a beat quite like your Original & Official Husband (OOH), but he is pretty damn great, and you sort of wish that Double O-H would take a few hints from your work husband counterpart, like:

1. Notice Your Haircuts

He might not know a highlight from a lowlight, but an observant work husband can tell your hair is different from the second you set foot into the office. It’s not that he’s a better guy than your real-life husband, but that he’s got to keep you cheery or life at the office will suck much more for him. Plus, amongst the drab corporate life, what else does he have to notice besides a billion memos and emails?

Read More: 6 Things Your Work Husband Will Do for You That Your Real Husband Won’t

He’s a Good Egg!

Laura

6 Things I’d Rather Do Than Be Pregnant Again

Pregnancy, for me at least, was hard and sucked. I was hospitalized, sick the majority of the time and barely ate the whole time. It was definitely nothing like the TV shows and movies told me it would be. And you know, those TV pregnancies went by in two episodes. They were quick. Sitcom labor looked like it hurt just a little—about as painful as a splinter removal or ripping off a Band-Aid.

Needless to say, the media lied.

Whenever I get the stomach flu or bad heartburn or anything related to my stomach, I have flashbacks to pregnancy. Puking in a pink bucket. Eating ice cubes for meals. And suddenly wanting my life to end that very minute.

So, thanks, but no thanks. There won’t be a “second act.” One and done. Period.

Here are 6 things I would rather do than be pregnant again!

1. Walk Down the Street Naked

I would rather walk in my nice, quiet neighborhood nude and have people point and say, “Where are her meds?” and show everyone my everything than be pregnant for even one friggin’ day!

Read More: 6 Things I’d Rather Do Than Be Pregnant Again