8 Ways to Shut Down Questions About When Baby No. 2 Is Coming

Don’t you love how people are utterly offended and horrified by the fact that your kid is an only child? I mean, what could possibly be worse than not having a sibling?

Because having siblings is always easy. Your brother is never publicly intoxicated and your sister is completely normal, sane and never yanked your hair like she was pulling weeds, right? Siblings always get along, too! I mean everyone knows that!

Yeah, what sort of demon leaves his or her child to be a lone soul in the world without a sibling around to kick that kid’s ass?

Apparently, having an only child makes other parents consider us parents of only kids, slackers. It’s like we’re all competing in this major parenting Olympics and if you only have one kid, you’re cheating at life and therefore, getting by way too damn easy.

Read More: 8 Ways to Shut Down Questions About When Baby No. 2 Is Coming

None of Their Beeswax,

Laura

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What You Thought Motherhood Would Be Like vs. What It’s Actually Like

The funniest thing in the world just might be someone without kids sharing their “wisdom” on how they will be upon becoming a parent. It’s amazing how awesome and well-behaved both you and your kids are in your own little fantasy world of how you’ll parent when you’re not actually a parent, isn’t it?

You think motherhood is going to be one way and that you’ll always get big fat A-pluses on all your motherhood “assignments,” but then reality gives you a beat down like nobody’s business.

BIRTH

Expectation:

You thought you’d go all natural with childbirth.

Reality:

Meanwhile, that birth hurt like a mutha and the anesthesiologist became your BFF. Epidurals FTW.

Read More: What You Thought Motherhood Would Be Like vs. What It’s Actually Like

Reality is a B*tch,

Laura

6 Things Your Work Husband Will Do for You That Your Real Husband Won’t

While you love your husband dearly and wouldn’t trade him for a hottie with six-pack abs, there’s something extra-special about your work husband.

Your what?

Your work husband. You know. Your male work BFF. The man around the office who you are not hooking up with (oh, no-no-no, ladies), but who makes your life at work infinitely better?

Sure, he might not make your heart skip a beat quite like your Original & Official Husband (OOH), but he is pretty damn great, and you sort of wish that Double O-H would take a few hints from your work husband counterpart, like:

1. Notice Your Haircuts

He might not know a highlight from a lowlight, but an observant work husband can tell your hair is different from the second you set foot into the office. It’s not that he’s a better guy than your real-life husband, but that he’s got to keep you cheery or life at the office will suck much more for him. Plus, amongst the drab corporate life, what else does he have to notice besides a billion memos and emails?

Read More: 6 Things Your Work Husband Will Do for You That Your Real Husband Won’t

He’s a Good Egg!

Laura

6 Things I’d Rather Do Than Be Pregnant Again

Pregnancy, for me at least, was hard and sucked. I was hospitalized, sick the majority of the time and barely ate the whole time. It was definitely nothing like the TV shows and movies told me it would be. And you know, those TV pregnancies went by in two episodes. They were quick. Sitcom labor looked like it hurt just a little—about as painful as a splinter removal or ripping off a Band-Aid.

Needless to say, the media lied.

Whenever I get the stomach flu or bad heartburn or anything related to my stomach, I have flashbacks to pregnancy. Puking in a pink bucket. Eating ice cubes for meals. And suddenly wanting my life to end that very minute.

So, thanks, but no thanks. There won’t be a “second act.” One and done. Period.

Here are 6 things I would rather do than be pregnant again!

1. Walk Down the Street Naked

I would rather walk in my nice, quiet neighborhood nude and have people point and say, “Where are her meds?” and show everyone my everything than be pregnant for even one friggin’ day!

Read More: 6 Things I’d Rather Do Than Be Pregnant Again

The State of Wellness

Being well. Eating organic. Avoiding GMO’s. Making sure you’re part of a Crossfit “box.” Never using anything that has toxins on your skin. Doing yoga at least twice a week. Having a life coach.

If you are not taking your wellness seriously…you are ill! Incredibly ill. 

And a failure as a human being, completely, don’t you know?

Being well isn’t just feeling healthy and happy these days. It’s a full on business, complete with Kool-Aid sold to you at sometimes, exorbitant prices, with the goal of you being the most fit, green, and organic human being on the Earth. Forget keeping up with the Joneses; these days, it’s “out-rawing” your neighbor and making sure your home is so Feng Shui’d out that you are the most “well” person on the planet. These days it’s ensuring you can out “burpee” and bench press your fellow citizen and then brag that you haven’t ate a cooked piece of meat or used a skincare product with the word “paraben” on the label in order to know that indeed:

You. Are. Well!

Don’t get me wrong. I love running, the gym, ballet and eating healthy, but you won’t catch me going vegan or meditating every second. Although truth be told, a little meditation would be good for me! The fact is being well and healthy is very important but we can’t have a life coach for every move we make and we can’t squat and burpee our way down every single hallway and through every event in our life. We can’t always keep calm and Zen, mantra-ing our way through the day with a side of Yoga and essential oil. Sometimes, you need a little caffeine, curse words, chocolate and a complete meltdown on your couch.

Read More: The State of Wellness

A Little Caffeinated & A Little Zen, Too

Laura

7 Types of Moms You’ll Meet in Mom Group

You’ve just had a baby or, finally, you’re deciding to mingle with mommies no matter how old your child is. So you decide to join a mom group. Because where else can you meet a large group of women in one shot who most likely have kids your age, live near you and are experiencing some of the same things you are as a mom?

Truly, joining a mom’s group when my daughter was a wee babe was a great way to get my nursing, post-C section butt out of the door and among other adult humans. It was a great experience for me that I cherish. But still, I’ve come to learn that in every mom’s group on earth, you are bound to meet these mommy types.

1. The Organic Band-Aid Mom

This mom wouldn’t put a drop of anything on her kid without guaranteeing that it was made from something organic and completely GMO-free, even if it meant losing her house to buy that most expensive and rare diaper cream made from only the purest of the purest (insert ingredient no one has ever heard about yet).

She’ll frown at your choice of just about everything and she’ll narrow her eyes upon hearing you used bug spray on your kid last year. She might even worry about your own personal grooming and health choices to such a degree that you can be guaranteed she’ll be emailing you “suggestions,” most of which you won’t be able to afford unless you get your baby or toddler to work in a third world sweatshop.

Read More: 7 Types of Moms You’ll Meet in Mom Group

No Organic Band-Aids Here…

Laura

7 Reasons You Should Give Zero F*cks If Your Kid Isn’t Potty Trained Yet

So your kid isn’t potty trained yet? To hell with you! What kind of mother are you anyway?

Kidding.

Really, everyone learns to use the bathroom in his or her own time and we all know there are some adults that still “miss” the toilet, so is this really a tragedy? Does it really matter if your kid pees in a pull-up or in the super special Star Wars undies you bought for them? The answer to all these is a resounding NO.

Here are just seven reasons you should care less if your kid still isn’t potty-trained:

1. They Won’t Wear a Diaper to the Prom

Eventually, your child will get it. He won’t be begging you to change his diaper or wipe his butt as he rides off with a girl who looks older than you and like she might have an R-rated Instagram account.

2. Underwear Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Really. Have you ever had your kid complain about a wedgie? Diapers are comfy, cushy and soft. Underwear rides up butts. You’ll just love when your kid pulls at their undies in public and another human laughs at your child—or worse—your kid insists these are the “worst underwear” ever.

Yes, that is an ACTUAL thing that children do to their parents in order to torture them. My daughter constantly tells me her undies are too tight or too loose. Meanwhile, they look perfectly fine to me. Argh!

Read More: 7 Reasons You Should Give Zero F*cks If Your Kid Isn’t Potty Trained Yet

Chillax,

Laura

8 Ways to Justify Living in Your Yoga Pants

Yoga pants.

Some might say it’s the staple item of male excitement.

Some might say it’s the staple item of female fitness.

The majority of moms would say it’s the wardrobe necessity of choice.

Actually, make that THE wardrobe, period.

For all the teasing a mom’s partner will give her about her varied outfits of black yoga pants, black yoga pants, and black yoga pants, these partners don’t understand the pure vitality and life comfort a pair of yoga pants brings. The pure sight of clean yoga pants in a mother’s burgeoning clean laundry pile of is a sight almost as welcome as a child silently sleeping.

Almost.

So ladies, don’t let people’s negativity around your yoga pants ruin a perfectly great relationship. Think about it, is there any other relationship in which you receive such ease and comfort? Is there any other relationship in which you receive no stress or aggravation? Nope! Even your family cat or dog can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

So screw the haters, here are just eight reasons to justify all that yoga pant wearing (not that we need reasons…):

Read More: 8 Ways to Justify Living in Your Yoga Pants

DO IT!

Laura

How to Use Wine in the Bedroom

You’ve met a very discerning man or a scintillating lady of taste. You’ve been on your very best behavior. You mentioned your stint in the Peace Corps twice and then once more because they were rustling their napkin the first time and chewing loudly the second. You dropped mention of all your charity works and in between describing all the joys you have brought to the less fortunate, you remembered to flash your abs, flex your arms, or push out your chest and bat your eyelids. The mating dance is officially complete, and it’s finally that time: the Sexy Time. 

But all your grad school accomplishments and your fancy office and your good deeds won’t get your new amour in bed quite like a great bottle of wine will. Here’s how to use wine in the bedroom:

Read More: How to Use Wine in the Bedroom

Va-va Voom!

Laura