All the Stages of a New Mom’s Panic Attacks

Having a new baby in your arms is so amazing and heartwarming. There’s nothing like that precious newborn face right in front of you for the very first time. It feels like your heart literally grew a million times its size. Your baby’s face is perfect, even if it’s a little “squeezed” after his or her time in that very tight birth canal. You couldn’t imagine a lovelier image than the one of your new child.

However, holding your newborn is also like having the music stop and holding the “hot potato.”

It’s like you’re holding a potential time bomb, guaranteed to poop, ooze and cry, and produce other sorts of liquids and sound effects like you’ve never seen or heard. The sounds that come from a newborn baby are not from this world. Your fear that you are about to mess up another human’s life is both terrifying and a tiny bit accurate.

It’s a whole new kind of anxiety that the new baby in your arms brings. Here are the various panic attacks (complete with stages) that will grip your soul while in the throes of new motherhood. Buckle up, baby. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

1. What Did I Do Wrong Now?

You are absolutely sure you did something wrong. Whether it was a noise that woke the baby, to a diaper change that turned your bubba into a screaming mess, it must be your fault.

Read More: All the Stages of a New Mom’s Panic Attacks

Just Breathe …

Laura

 

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5 Embarrassing Things That Happen to Your Body During Pregnancy

Everyone talks about all the same parts of pregnancy: feeling the baby move, morning sickness, swollen feet, ultrasound pics, gender-reveal parties or peeing in the middle of the night.

But no one tells you about the embarrassing parts: the giant moles that will grow on you, the hemorrhoids, the mood-changing labia.

Yup, you read that right, and no, I’m not smoking anything funny.

Here are the things that only your very close girlfriends might reveal to you and that pregnancy books will only display in the back of the book (or in small letters).

1. Hemorrhoids the size of a prune or, worse, a golf ball

I remember the day I felt that hemorrhoid. I thought that a part of my colon was dangling from my rear end. That, or I had another anus or a tail. I was pretty sure I was going to die or have a tail for the rest of my life. I’m not talking about a cute, fake Playboy bunny tail — I’m talking about the tail of my intestines.

Read More: 5 Embarrassing Things That Happen to Your Body During Pregnancy

It Can Be SO Gross!

Laura

10 New Year’s Resolutions Every Working Mom 40 and Over Needs to Make

There comes a time in your life when certain behaviors, thoughts or expectations of yourself are no longer valid. At some point, we all tell ourselves, “I’m getting too old for this garbage.”

Forty is that age.

I remember thinking 40-year-olds were pretty much crypt-keepers when I was a kid, but our 40s are different than our mothers’ 40s. I’m not sure what exactly my mom thought when she hit 4-0, but I know for so many of my friends, we found ourselves wondering: What’s next? What haven’t I done yet that I’ve been wanting to do? What and who in my life needs to go at this point? What do I still have to figure out?

In other words, it’s the “I’m going for it” decade. Our forward motion is propelled by the confidence we gained from growing ourselves in our 20s and 30s. With that said, the New Year is almost here. What should we feisty 40-something working moms embrace as our New Year resolutions to make 2019 a kick-ass-and-take-names type of year? Here’s what I suggest:

Read More: 10 New Year’s Resolutions Every Working Mom 40 and Over Needs to Make

Resolving,

Laura

Saying Goodbye to The Parents We Knew As We Watch Them Age

When we were little, we couldn’t fathom our parents aging. We imagined them living forever, just as they were at that time. We couldn’t imagine them getting older or sick, retiring or even for some parents, remarrying. We envisioned them as timeless and in many ways, invincible.

But that isn’t life. As we age, so do our parents. No one is more powerful than time; it slips through our hands faster than we can consider the moment. And in many ways, watching our parents age is tough and heartbreaking. But in other ways, there are many things that are enjoyable about “growing up” with our parents.

When I became a mother, I could finally grasp what my mother had gone through with my three sisters and me. I could finally understand her working mom guilt. Her cranky moments and desires to float away behind a book without a kid to bug her from its captivating narrative. Her undying support of my love of the arts, whether I was in a play, a show, colorguard, band, dance or what have you. All the hours she spent driving to competitions hours away, listening to teenagers and music she probably despised … I can relate as I sit on a floor playing dolls with my daughter. As I drive her from soccer or to dance, watching her become a little being right in front of my eyes.

Read More: Saying Goodbye to The Parents We Knew As We Watch Them Age

Circle of Life,

Laura

6 Things I Want My Daughter to Remember About Me, Even After I’m Gone

We always want our children to think the best of us — just as much as they want us to think the best of them. Have you ever sat down and thought about what exactly you want your kids to remember most about you when it’s all said and done? The reality is this — so much of how we are can become how our children are. They absorb so much of us, from our behaviors and habits to our likes and dislikes, even when we don’t realize they’re watching and listening.

As a single mom raising an only child, I really feel the weight of all I do. Worrying about caring for her and having the entire financial burden on my shoulders sometimes makes me think I’m going to break, but I don’t. I keep carrying on and doing my thing. And that’s just one of the things I want her to remember about me: that I never give up, no matter how hard life gets. I take the punches like a big girl, and I dish it right back, fighting and appreciating the little things in life.

Here are the six big things I want my daughter to always remember about me.

Read More: 6 Things I Want My Daughter to Remember About Me, Even After I’m Gone

Love Is Never-Ending,

Laura

8 Ways to Shut Down Questions About When Baby No. 2 Is Coming

Don’t you love how people are utterly offended and horrified by the fact that your kid is an only child? I mean, what could possibly be worse than not having a sibling?

Because having siblings is always easy. Your brother is never publicly intoxicated and your sister is completely normal, sane and never yanked your hair like she was pulling weeds, right? Siblings always get along, too! I mean everyone knows that!

Yeah, what sort of demon leaves his or her child to be a lone soul in the world without a sibling around to kick that kid’s ass?

Apparently, having an only child makes other parents consider us parents of only kids, slackers. It’s like we’re all competing in this major parenting Olympics and if you only have one kid, you’re cheating at life and therefore, getting by way too damn easy.

Read More: 8 Ways to Shut Down Questions About When Baby No. 2 Is Coming

None of Their Beeswax,

Laura

What You Thought Motherhood Would Be Like vs. What It’s Actually Like

The funniest thing in the world just might be someone without kids sharing their “wisdom” on how they will be upon becoming a parent. It’s amazing how awesome and well-behaved both you and your kids are in your own little fantasy world of how you’ll parent when you’re not actually a parent, isn’t it?

You think motherhood is going to be one way and that you’ll always get big fat A-pluses on all your motherhood “assignments,” but then reality gives you a beat down like nobody’s business.

BIRTH

Expectation:

You thought you’d go all natural with childbirth.

Reality:

Meanwhile, that birth hurt like a mutha and the anesthesiologist became your BFF. Epidurals FTW.

Read More: What You Thought Motherhood Would Be Like vs. What It’s Actually Like

Reality is a B*tch,

Laura

Hard Truths About Motherhood (And Yet, It’s All Still Worth It)

Motherhood is a wonderful privilege but sometimes, it’s also a gritty and thankless job. No one tells you that when you’re pregnant and expecting though. If you did tell an expectant mom that bit of truth, you’d be acting like a party pooper, or a ball buster… and that’s not a good way to be around a hormonal pregnant lady. Unless you feel like getting your eyes stabbed with a fork… a fork dripping with chocolate cake or some other pregnancy craving.

Wink.

The truth is if parenting were easy, we’d all have fifty million children. We’d all be little reproductive machines, but parenting isn’t a walk in the park. Motherhood is beautiful and also a hot mess. But that’s okay because it’s still really worth it.

Yes—even when your child draws on your walls, pukes on you, or slams the door in your face in some teenage rage—it’s still worth it.

1. GET PAID IN PUKE & BOOGERS… WITH NO AWARDS

Here’s a dose of reality for you: you’ll never receive “The Best Mom of the Year” Award because there are no awards ceremonies for moms. At least not official ones.

Read More: Hard Truths About Motherhood (And Yet, It’s All Still Worth It)

Really– It’s Worth it!

Laura

7 Types of Moms You’ll Meet in Mom Group

You’ve just had a baby or, finally, you’re deciding to mingle with mommies no matter how old your child is. So you decide to join a mom group. Because where else can you meet a large group of women in one shot who most likely have kids your age, live near you and are experiencing some of the same things you are as a mom?

Truly, joining a mom’s group when my daughter was a wee babe was a great way to get my nursing, post-C section butt out of the door and among other adult humans. It was a great experience for me that I cherish. But still, I’ve come to learn that in every mom’s group on earth, you are bound to meet these mommy types.

1. The Organic Band-Aid Mom

This mom wouldn’t put a drop of anything on her kid without guaranteeing that it was made from something organic and completely GMO-free, even if it meant losing her house to buy that most expensive and rare diaper cream made from only the purest of the purest (insert ingredient no one has ever heard about yet).

She’ll frown at your choice of just about everything and she’ll narrow her eyes upon hearing you used bug spray on your kid last year. She might even worry about your own personal grooming and health choices to such a degree that you can be guaranteed she’ll be emailing you “suggestions,” most of which you won’t be able to afford unless you get your baby or toddler to work in a third world sweatshop.

Read More: 7 Types of Moms You’ll Meet in Mom Group

No Organic Band-Aids Here…

Laura

7 Reasons You Should Give Zero F*cks If Your Kid Isn’t Potty Trained Yet

So your kid isn’t potty trained yet? To hell with you! What kind of mother are you anyway?

Kidding.

Really, everyone learns to use the bathroom in his or her own time and we all know there are some adults that still “miss” the toilet, so is this really a tragedy? Does it really matter if your kid pees in a pull-up or in the super special Star Wars undies you bought for them? The answer to all these is a resounding NO.

Here are just seven reasons you should care less if your kid still isn’t potty-trained:

1. They Won’t Wear a Diaper to the Prom

Eventually, your child will get it. He won’t be begging you to change his diaper or wipe his butt as he rides off with a girl who looks older than you and like she might have an R-rated Instagram account.

2. Underwear Isn’t All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Really. Have you ever had your kid complain about a wedgie? Diapers are comfy, cushy and soft. Underwear rides up butts. You’ll just love when your kid pulls at their undies in public and another human laughs at your child—or worse—your kid insists these are the “worst underwear” ever.

Yes, that is an ACTUAL thing that children do to their parents in order to torture them. My daughter constantly tells me her undies are too tight or too loose. Meanwhile, they look perfectly fine to me. Argh!

Read More: 7 Reasons You Should Give Zero F*cks If Your Kid Isn’t Potty Trained Yet

Chillax,

Laura