5 Thoughts Every Mom Has at Kindergarten Orientation

I just went to the first half of my daughter’s kindergarten orientation. As I walked into the school, it felt so huge compared to her preschool. I couldn’t believe that after three years of being in preschool day in and day out for most of the time, very long days, she would now call another place “home.”

That saying that “babies don’t keep” is so true. It seemed like just yesterday she was refusing to nap without her mama, curled up on my chest, asleep at the breast. And now there she is, running down the elementary school hallways in which she will meet “the big scary world for the first time.”

As we register those children for kindergarten, there are a few thoughts every mom has before we put our little one on the bus for that very first time.

Read More: 5 Thoughts Every Mom Has at Kindergarten Orientation

It’s the Next Step,

Laura

How to Piss Off People With Your Parenting

For some reason, the whole world loves to comment on parents. We’re never doing a “good enough job” or somehow, we made a mistake and crap — didn’t we all know we aren’t supposed to make mistakes?! Especially mothers.

They rake mothers against the coals and by “they” I mean, the public. Gorilla incident anyone?

So instead of trying to deny our parenthood or apologize every single damn time our kids make a noise or a scene in public because, you know kids are supposed to be seen and not heard, why not piss people off more, with our parenting? This is, apparently, the early 19th century or so and kids aren’t supposed to be kids. They’re supposed to be silent, mature adults and moms and dads are supposed to be perfect parents, 24/7. Since that’s not possible and we know that because we are moms, let’s show the public how it’s done:

Read More: How to Piss Off People With Your Parenting

Make Them Mad,

Laura

10 Thoughts You Have When Up in the Middle of the Night With a Newborn

There you are, in the darkest of nights with your tiny newborn staring up at you. You believe that most accurately you just saw this little face about two hours ago, but heck . . . at this stage of the game, every hour and day seems to blur by in a whirl of burp clothes, diapers, and your baby’s face. You are so tired, you probably answer to any and all names someone might call you, and you have impressed yourself by surviving on the little sleep that you have. You begin to find any minutes of shut-eye a luxury, and most often, you find yourself wondering where your baby ends and you begin.

1. Really? Again?

You could have sworn your newborn just woke up seconds ago. How is it that he’s already awake and crying? Maybe that’s another sound you hear. Oh, wait. Nope, that’s definitely the baby. You were hoping it was the family cat but unfortunately your cat doesn’t sound like that.

Doesn’t this baby realize that a mother without sleep is a dangerous human being? Oh well. You grab that cute little guy and you thank him for being so adorable, otherwise he might be out of luck!

Read More: 10 Thoughts You Have When Up in the Middle of the Night With a Newborn

It Has to be The Cat, Right?

Laura

How to Successfully Co-Sleep With Your Child

Does your child hover at your bed like he or she is an alien looking to infest a foreign planet? Does your child stand by your bedroom door at night with a placard saying, “Hell no, I won’t sleep…in my own bed!” or “Equal rights for kids: GIVE US YOUR BED?”

If you answered yes, you’re ready for a night of co-sleeping with your kiddo. Here are some tips to make it through. Use at your discretion.

1. Don’t sleep at all. Lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Try to move or change positions and bam! —you realize moving is impossible because your child has taken up most of the bed. Learn to close your eyes and fake sleep, lest your child catches you awake in the middle of the night and wants to ask for a snack, drink of water or perhaps, more of your dwindling energies and resources. Whatever you do—shut those eyes!

Read More: How to Successfully Co-Sleep With Your Child

Hope You’re Not Tired!

Laura

My Kid Is Too Young to Go to Your Kid’s Makeup Parties

I’m conflicted.

I am a walking contradiction.

I own probably seven shades of the “perfect red” lipstick/gloss. I know of almost every beauty trend that women over 30 can pull off without looking foolish. From cleansing oils and the latest trends in exfoliation — Korean rice enyzmes, anyone? — I love beauty!

As a child, I devoured my oldest sister’s drawers, picking through and trying out her lipsticks. Wet n’ Wild. Brucci. CoverGirl. Maybelline. From jingles to brand names regarding makeup, I knew them all. Besides, I grew up with four other women, and there was plenty of makeup to be had. Yet when I hear about all the makeup parties and clearly gendered “girls’ parties” that kids have these days, I feel conflicted.

Read More: My Kid Is Too Young to Go to Your Kid’s Makeup Parties

Conflicted,

Laura

9 Red-Flag Signs You Should Definitely NOT Have Kids

Not everyone needs to be a parent. Let’s face it: there are some people who just don’t belong in charge of a little person. If you don’t want kids and know that, good for you. There’s no requirement that states you have to reproduce, unless of course you’re a firm believe in the bible.

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure it’s a requirement of Christianity to at least try to begat kids if you’re able. Either way, there are some folks who need to steer clear of making babies. Here are a few signs you’re better off not being a parent.

  1. The world ends and starts with you.

When you have a child, your own personal agenda tends to go by the wayside, because when kids are little they simply cannot care for themselves without the guidance of you, the adult.

Read More: 9 Red-Flag Signs You Should Definitely NOT Have Kids

Kids Aren’t For Everyone. and That’s OK!

Laura

How to Tell Your Kids You’re Getting a Divorce

Telling your children you and your partner are getting a divorce is probably one of the hardest conversations you’ll ever have in a lifetime, hands down.

Unless your kids are dying to have the two of you split up due to stressful family arguments, most likely your children will be very sad. However, there’s no way around it: you can’t hide a divorce from the kids, but when you tell them, you and your partner can make the process easier by considering these few aspects and tips!

Practice Ahead of Time

This is not the time to “wing it.” You and your partner need to sit down and discuss how you two are going to break the news to the kiddos. Obviously you cannot plan every last breath and syllable, but the two of you can go over the main components of your message to the kids. The absolute worst thing to do would be:

Read More: How to Tell Your Kids You’re Getting a Divorce

Put Them First,

Laura

8 Signs You’re the Worst Mother Ever

1. You’ve said “no” to your threenager 

Threenager (n): A tiny person of three years of age who is moody, unpredictable, demanding and similar to its older peer, the teenager.

Your threenager believes that marshmallows and puffs are the dinner of champions but you as the mother put the kibosh on the sweet treats for dinner and instead, provide a meal that encompasses all four of the food groups. Survey Says? You’re the meanest most awful mom to ever exist, according to your threenager, that is.

2. You can’t Pinterest if your life depended on it, and according to your kid, it does

Your child wants you to make Star Wars-themed cupcakes for the class party.

“Can’t you make Yoda-looking cupcakes like Sophia’s mom?”

Read More: 8 Signs You’re the Worst Mother Ever

Congrats!

Laura

4 Mistakes Every Mom Makes With the First Child

It’s your first child . . . ahh! Everyone, break out the hand sanitizer before you come within two feet of my kid.

Remember that stage? Remember wishing you could put your baby in a bubble? Remember attempting to build said bubble? As a mom of an only, I watch parents with their second and third children and I see a clear difference between how they handle the kids and how I handled my first. The fact is the first child is in many ways, the guinea pig and the showstopper of our parenthood. By that I mean we are testing out everything as we gain our motherhood legs. We’ve never been mothers before and despite what people told us, it isn’t quite what we had thought. It’s better and sometimes, it’s worse than had we imagined. The first child grows with us. The first child learns lessons because we didn’t know better. The first child has our attention, 24/7. We focus on them and we put on our “very best parenting hats” because let’s face it: the more kids, the more tired you are. I am the youngest of four girls. I stand by that statement. As long as I was breathing, all was right with the world.

To all the first children out there, you got the best of us as parents and in some ways, the worst of our learning curve. We apologize in advance, but it’s just life, kiddo.

Read More: 4 Mistakes Every Mom Makes With the First Child

We’re Learning With Our First Kid,

Laura

Your Only Child Is Not Your Therapist

Having my only child is a great blessing for me, considering it was hard enough to get her here to meet me. I grew up in a home of four girls, me being the youngest, and life was colorful, loud, and chaotic until my three older sisters left the home — and me — behind when I was 12 years old. The three of them went off into the world, and essentially, I was like an only child at home. Still, having an only was sort of different to me because my daughter’s childhood and home life are so vastly different from my own, but I have found the only-child relationship between me and my daughter to be amazing. The closeness, the one-on-one interactions, and the ability to give her the focus and attention she needs is wonderful. The bond the two of us share will be irreplaceable for life. But as she gets older, I see there will be precautions I will need to take as a parent in order to avoid putting too much on those sturdy girl shoulders.

Read More: Your Only Child Is Not Your Therapist

Be Careful What You Say,

Laura