What Its Like to Be a Reluctant Dater

I took a break this year– about 5.5 months from dating altogether. I needed a break from the swiping, chatting and searching. It wasn’t getting me far and I wasn’t having fun. I enjoyed a nice peaceful summer at the beach and I don’t regret it.

Now, I’d like to date but I find myself reluctant on many levels and I wonder if I will ever have someone pull me out of this reluctancy.

To start, I married the wrong person– and I am reminded of this periodically even after all this time. The good news is I’m divorced. Happily. Separated almost six years and divorced almost four years.

So why still the hesitancy?

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6 Things You Must Do to Be a Good Partner

It doesn’t matter if you’re young or old, gay or straight or bi or any other orientation. It doesn’t matter if you are never married, married twice or newly divorced.

If you want to get love from someone, you have to give back of yourself.

Relationships shouldn’t be one-sided; they are reciprocal arrangements where both people get to exist happily according to each other’s various needs.

These are the 6 key things you must have and give to be a good partner.

Let’s get started:

1. Must be giving: you cannot take constantly or be selfish. However, in each relationship there are times where one person can be more selfish than the other and vice versa. This is “okay” as long as it is balanced in the long run and both parties feel validated.

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The Recipe for a Great Relationship

The recipe of a good partner is a mix of connection, chemistry, dedication and direction.

Connection— the feeling of closeness, comfort and unity.

Chemistry– the feeling of passion and desire.

Dedication– the act of continuous care, collaboration and work.

Direction– is the act of taking your connection, chemistry and dedication for each other forward.

Without a good dose of all of these ingredients combined, your relationship will lack.

Can you imagine a partner with chemistry but has no dedication or direction? What about a partner that has dedication with no chemistry?

To really have love take off, you need the right mix, but which ingredient is more important than the other?

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That Moment When You Realize You Deserve More

There is no moment more magical than the moment where you realize you deserve more. Better. The best.

The only moment more magical would be meeting someone you love and cherish. The first time you set eyes on that person.

But the moment when you realize that you’re getting shortchanged and deserve better is a pivotal moment.

Because two things can happen in that moment:

1- You commit to demanding better for yourself OR

2- You recognize you deserve better, but keep living the same damn way.

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Life Tip: Women Want to Hear How You Feel

Men ask me for advice rather frequently about the ladies. And one of the biggest things I always say is to tell her how you feel.
Every woman and person is different, but there are quite a few of us who really love to get that verbal affirmation from our partner. If you’ve ever looked into the 5 love languages, then you know what I mean. If you haven’t– verbal affirmation is a love style; people who have this preference enjoy hearing their partners express their feelings, getting praise or  hearing expressions of love from their mates.

For me, this is one of my strong love styles.

So, if you are a man who can’t or won’t express how he feels and you meet a woman who needs this, you are in deep, deep poop.

Here is why:

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6 Lessons I Learned About Love Thanks To Eighties Music Videos

I watched an abnormally amount of MTV as a child so I suppose it’s rather cool that I ended up an MTV personality back in the day. But, what I really learned from all those logged hours of RUN DMC videos, 120 Minutes, Head Bangers Ball, and Yo! MTV Raps goes beyond my love of music and straight to lessons I learned about love via the music video. I’m not saying that these lessons or “key points” were always the sanest tips on love, but that I was an impressionable young mind getting interesting impressions, to say the least!

Grab Your Love Interest’s Attention By Any Means Necessary

Okay, so writhing and doing a split on one or two cars— the split between the two vehicles is even more creative—seems a little out there, no? But Tawny Kitaen certainly made a point in Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again,” video: if you want to catch your love’s eye, you better stop traffic. Literally. Being a wallflower won’t get you anywhere, for the most part, in love.

Read More: 6 Lessons I Learned About Love Thanks To Eighties Music Videos

Rock On,

Laura

The Most Important Thing to Look For in a Partner as a Single Man or Woman

As you’re swiping, scoping or chatting with potential partners, I bet the first two things that strike you are:

  • The person’s looks
  • The person’s attitude

After you’ve assessed those two basic things, you drill down into the nitty gritty– especially if you’re a single parent dating:

  • Do they have kids? If yes, do they see them often. If no, do they want kids?
  • Were they married? Do they want to get married again?
  • What do they do for work?
  • What’s the person’s lifestyle like?
  • What are the person’s goals for the next year or so?
  • Where do they live? Is it far from you? Do they live on their own or with other people?

All of these things give you an idea of whether you’ll want to date them– or not. And truly, they are all important factors but after it’s all said and done and you’ve found someone who fits the bill on all of the previously mentioned factors– consider this one single most important thing you should look for in a partner:

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Everyone Deserves Someone Who Chooses Them, Each And Every Single Day

One of the reasons I am single is that I haven’t met someone who I would choose and who would choose me,  to be with, each and every morning.

Really, being in a relationship means waking up and deciding— “Yeah man, I’ll be with you for another day because it makes me happy and I can’t imagine not being with you. “

We all deserve that person who chooses to be with us when he or she wakes up. Who turns to us and thinks, “You make my life pretty damn good, you know that?”

We don’t need someone who kinda sorta likes us. We don’t need someone who is with us because he or she is afraid of being alone, bored, lonely, needy or looking for a financial meal ticket or source of stability.

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You– Yes, YOU– Deserve Someone Who Is 100% Sold On You

Ambivalent desire can truly drive you crazy. One minute the person wants you– and the next minute … not so much.

You could probably go nuts trying to understand why someone is so on the fence about you, but it wouldn’t be worth it.

Someone who really cares about you will be firm in his or her convictions or at the very least, trying to overcome whatever is causing his or her ambivalence.

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Why Does My Partner Go From Hot to Cold & Back Again?

There is nothing more frustrating than having a partner rescind his or her warmth and love. Especially if in return, you get a cold front.

It’s like having a relationship with someone who exists in a room: the door opens and so does your partner and then, the door closes … and so does the access to your partner.

I’ve been down this road before where a love interest or partner would shut me out and let me in … I know how painful it can be to deal with. I know the questions that run in your mind and that maybe keep you up at night. I also know what it’s like to walk away from that person. At times, my ex-husband could be very cold.

Here are a few reasons that could explain your partner’s mood changes from cold to hot, and hot to cold.

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